Hi
I've come to this chat board as I don't really know where else to go at the moment without burdening others who already have enough on their plates.
Essentially, I'm a married woman close to the 40 mark, I have no kids and I'm studying a full-time NHS course at university. I'm diagnosed complex post traumatic stress disorder due to childhood neglect and abuse.
Before going to uni, I was working full-time and I've just not been able to feel like I've fully settled in there since starting. I'm struggling with feeling like I'm liked, even though I have met a couple of people I hang out with, as well as imposter syndrome. I'm seeing a psychologist for this and trying to ease the social anxiety but I'm not seeing her until next week.
On top of this, my husband's dad has been admitted to hospital this week due an infection from cancer treatment. His parents live away so he's travelled up to help his elderly mum. I've been on my own for 3 days now. His dad's thankfully improved but I don't know when my husband will be coming home.
My hubby has his own issues and is also seeing a psychologist. It has been hard for me lately with him as he's not been himself. We only mainly have each other as we live away from other family members and he works from home. He has no friends. All in all I feel very isolated.
I travel to uni twice a week but haven't been since 2 Fridays ago. Last week, I couldn't go as I had dental treatment and then we had the storms which blocked the train lines. I'm just feeling so anxious about going in tomorrow. I've put weight on since starting there and I can't get in to a routine. I can sit all day at home in my pyjamas and not bath for a couple of days whereas when I was working I'd shower every morning and put my makeup on. I've had no placement days this semester and it's all been lecture after lecture, so I don't feel useful to anyone.
I, however, do love what I study and I've been getting good grades. When I worked, I was held in high esteem and was a key team player and it's like I've had to go back to being a child at school again, which I hated as I was bullied and it's bringing all them old feelings back. I was really looking forward to starting but nothing it seems is ever plain sailing in my life.
I also don't know whether anyone on here knows about limerence? A few years ago, I developed limerent feelings for another man. I only found out about this concept last year and I know it has a heavy link to trauma and low self-esteem, but since I have read up on it, I feel like my body's been drained of the energy and happiness that came with the feeling, which has contributed to weight gain and diminished sex drive. My psychologist isn't keen on exploring this with me, so I'm on my own with it. I'd be keen to hear from anyone who's experienced it.
Thanks for reading my post. Just needed to vent and get things off my chest.