I’ve just told DH to go to the doctors for depression

[DearCake]

He’s so negative all the time. He’s really uptight about things like mess the kids make. He can never relax. It’s impossible to have a decent conversation with him. He puts nothing in to any friendships or other relationships and then is genuinely surprised when he gets nothing out. It takes him FOREVER to do anything big. He veers between super hesitant and sticks his head in the sand.

Over the weekend he made a minor inconvenience into a really big deal. I called him out on it and asked what he hoped to gain from being so negative. He found it excruciating to think it through. Said he doesn’t realise he does it. Doesn’t think before he opens his mouth.

He seems to live in the past a bit. Back to our 20s when we were footloose and fancy free. I don’t think his parents ever equipped him for adult life and now he doesn’t know how to be an adult and therefore is all out of sorts. We’ve had many many rows over the years about how the grown up stuff is left to me, though for a lot of time I just did it and therefore he never had to. So I know I’m to blame there and it’s been painful over the last few years to withdraw from that and push more adult stuff to him. It’s like he thinks he’s not allowed to be an adult or doesn’t have the first clue how. He’s honestly lost.

He’s definitely definitely not having an affair but our sex life is pretty non existent, which is more on me tbh. I think I’m resentful of having to prop him up, hardly sexy to feel like you’re with a manchild right? I don’t think he can see this link. That his uprightness and negativity mixed with years of hesitating or not engaging fully as an adult has made me resentful and intolerant, which are hardly ingredients for a rampant sex life as if we were in the honeymoon period.

I’m at the end of my tether. I’ve told him he needs to book an appointment with the doctor and tell her he’s depressed and get help to get out of this hole in the first place and then learn to live as an early 40s man and accept that he is capable of being an adult.

He’s such a kind lovely soul underneath whatever this layer of grump is. He’s currently sulking in the kitchen about my offensive suggestion that he goes to the docs. Maybe I was harsh but honestly something drastic needs to change.

Don’t know why I’m posting really, but needed to get it off my chest and not easy to talk to people IRL about this.

Brill you are encouraging him to go to seek help and it must be tough on you too, but as a sufferer myself, it's utterly utterly horrendous.

Just remember to be kind too whilst you do all the practical things and put the practical solutions in place.

I get your under it. You've had enough.

And that's tough on both of you.

But your post does come across as a little bit cold in my honest opinion. And I say that as someone with very precarious mental health.

Hope your husband gets the support he needs and things improve for you both. 💕

Why don't you go with him to give the dr some background too. People with low level depression usually don't realize they have it which makes it hard to spot and treat.

Living with someone with poor mental health is really hard. OP, you sound all done in. Do you have your own support?

If he’s sulking because you’ve said ‘doctor’ I’m inclined to stress that you are not obliged to stay in this (or any) relationship.

I agree with PP who says you sound a bit cold. Your post is very ‘I told him to do this, and I told him to do that’. How would you feel in his shoes?
He sounds utterly demoralised , and you sound like his teacher or parent.
It’s very frustrating living with someone who has depression. It’s even more frustrating when you are doing all the life admin.
Rather than telling him to do things, it might be more helpful if you both go for couples counselling. Try to work out where you ve gone wrong as a couple and look at how you both contribute to that.

You don’t sound like you love him anymore and perhaps his depression is a response to that in part.

Try encouraging him and supporting him and get counselling for you both as a couple.

By the way, blaming his parents for the way he is seems a bit harsh too.

Low level depression sounds right actually.

I probably do sound a bit cold but we keep talking about it and he says he wants to do something about, and then does nothing. Then says he doesn’t know how or what to do. So I try to make suggestions, which he never does. And you know what, I’m sick of being the one to find or initiate a solution for everything in our life. So yesterday I lost my ability to go gently gently and said that today he has to make an appointment.

He always reacts defensively and cannot reflect and accept that how he’s acting might be a problem. It’s part of the “don’t realise I’m doing it”. Head firmly in the sand. As usual. The truth hurts and he does everything he can to avoid it.

So I’m forcing him to face it. Not only because I’m sick of it, but because I genuinely believe this is beyond him and that he can’t crawl out of this alone, and that if I don’t force him, I know we’ll have the same conversation in 3 weeks time and that nothing will have changed. Repeat repeat repeat. Unless I leave. And 20 years in, I don’t want to throw it away.

I fully understand what you're going through as we went through the same (and then found out one of the underlying causes was DH's then-undiagnosed ADHD).

I don't think you're cold or that you don't love him, you sound at the end of your tether.

You don't love his state of mind and It will drag you down too if your DH doesn't address it.

I got to the point where I gave my DH an ultimatum - see the GP or I'd be investigating divorce. He had short-term antidepressants which he didn't get on with and counselling, which helped a lot.

Like your DH, he has a good heart and once he realised he'd lose me if he didn't do something, he was able to take action. Sometimes it has to be tough love.

But, it was on'y when we worked out he probably had ADHD and a had a private diagnosis and private, tailored counselling that things turned a corner and he's back to the person I married.

To be honest it's selfish of him not to get help - although I appreciate that depression means he can't see that for himself.

Best wishes, you can both come through this but you both need support.

Lots of men ignore the building blocks for good mental health. If you can, persuade him to read this book (or download the ebook):
onlineshop.oxfam.org.uk/the-stress-solution-the-four-steps-to-reset-your-body-mind-relationships-and-purpose/product/HD_300696884

Thanks @Adhdwife. This is exactly where I’m at, that it’s actually selfish now. And that if he won’t do anything about it, then I will have to. Which I don’t want either.

Having had therapy in the past myself I know how wonderful it can be. This has been one of my suggestions too. But he’s not done anything about it. The only way that would start is if I arrange a session for him. And I think it needs to come from him. I can’t keep doing everything, surely?

I agree that we probably need couples counseling too, but I think he needs a leg up first and to get in a better place.

And I do blame his parents. They are nice enough but never had any expectations of him, never encouraged him to do well, avoided confrontation at all costs, swept everything under the carpet, so therefore I think he’s got no ability to strive or try or push himself, or to self reflect and move forward. The message was head down, keep quiet, want little, stay out the way and let everyone else play at life. He’s massively underachieved (he’s wonderful at his job, it’s actually heartbreaking to see him waste his talents) and has no confidence and is unsure and hesitant in everything. I’ve had to nudge, push or prod him for every key step in our lives. Of course that’s the role of a wife too, to support and encourage, but at times it’s been that I’ve had to equip him too. That was their job, to either equip him or help him realise that he needs to equip himself.

You don't sound 'cold' at all. You sound a bit numb.

Starting to feel numb towards one's OH is a symptom of being burned out in a family setting of unhappy parent/child & parent/parent relationships. There's a thead on the Teenagers Board at the moment where it is a central theme. One poster talks of feeling like a human shock-absorber for everyone else in the family.

If you don't mind me asking, OP, how old are your DC? Do you and he have different ways of parenting and how much conflict is that causing? Is it just 'mess' that he gets stressed over, or is it a lot more than that?

I went through this a couple of years ago.

It built up and up and up to the point everything just exploded over Christmas and the whole family copped for it and ended up in tears.

His moods, silences, aggressive language, everything just made the atmosphere at home unbearable.

He had previously made half arsed attempts to do something about it but it was all for show, he wasn't actually doing anything productive. He had this thing about not wanting to take anti depressants, like it was for people much more severely affected than him, and to be fair to him any mental health support services he was sign posted to were utterly shit. But he just buried his head in the sand and carried on dragging everyone down.

I told him in no uncertain terms he was to go to the doctor and sort himself out or he wouldn't have a family anymore.

He agreed he didn't feel right in his head anymore, and went to the GP. He agreed to try anti depressants and also made an effort to contact a counsellor through his works medical insurance scheme.

He doesn't speak to the therapist anymore, but he still takes medication. The therapy sessions he had really helped him to unpick everything that was going on in his head and help him to process why he was feeling the way he was and how to cope and we manage it so it no longer took over his life.

He's like a different person and our family feels happy again, I have no regrets about being hard on him because it really was getting to the point that I was going to walk any never look back.

@DearCake I hear you. My husband is very similar to yours. I probably also sounded cold to people at times. The natural consequence of having the same conversation eleven million times whilst continuing to work and be responsible for around 85% of thinking, organising and doing for the family. Mind did eventually get treatment and has recently retired early due to ongoing depression/burnout. It is absolutely soul destroying to live with. In my mind im definitely staying until youngest leaves for uni and once I am retired myself will think carefully how I want my retirement to look.

DCs are 8 and 10.

I think we’re on the same page mostly with parenting. But he’s very uptight about mess. I wouldn’t say he’s stressed necessarily, more that he’s negative. Mumbles a lot, can be a bit of a martyr. He doesn’t really get cross vocally, it’s more in his body language. He can’t vocalize things easily, but you can feel his uprightness a mile off.

@chiiipsandsalad I’m really pleased things turned around for you and your DH, and gives me hope.

This morning he’s chatting away pretending to be positive and upbeat, and I’ve told him that the doctors appointment will come up every day, and be the elephant in the room until he does something about it.

@Hamsterfan thanks for understanding. I have also wondered what life would be like when the DC have grown up… I hope things are salvageable for you.

I’m sorry if I sounded unsupportive. I do know what it’s I have been there and still am.
If I were you I’d find a counsellor for him, and book an appointment. Then drive him there.
Maybe do the same for the doctor. He may need you to take charge until he can get himself to a place where he can function better.
Depression is completely debilitating.
I don’t believe ADs work in isolation. The underlying causes need to be addressed.

No it’s ok @OneSwallow, I do feel a bit cold tbh! I’m very over it all and feeling frustrated.

Perhaps making it happen for him is the right thing to do. That he’s finding it too much so me hoping he’ll muster up the ability now, when he’s never had it before, is not realistic.

My DP sounds very similar. His attitude to mess sucks the joy out of everything, to the point I wonder what effect it will have on DCs. I'm always on edge about spillages and accidents and 'not looking after things'. He is depressed but it is never ending and whatever medication he's on doesn't seem to do much. He sleeps badly and most of the time he is quite unable to function with regards to family matters.

I do feel cold towards him. It feels as if we're all constantly prioritising his needs but it never makes anything better. Like pp I wonder what I'll do when DCs have flown the nest.

Sorry to see this @Shoobydooer.

It makes me wonder why and how there’s so many men like this. It’s so unhealthy all round. It’s a society thing I think.

@DearCake The pandemic has made things much worse for everyone.
I think men are suffering mentally because many of their social networks through work have disappeared if they work from home.

They also internalise their fears and worries and that comes out as moods, anger, irritation. Which is not fair to their partners and kids.

I agree with the comment earlier, if I were you I'd make those appointments and take him to them and tell him in no uncertain terms his family life depends on it.

His upbringing sounds a lot like my DH's - a low aspiration family who didn't encourage emotional resilience or self esteem - the two go together.

It is 100% possible to work through this - the counselling (after the ADHD diagnosis) transformed my DH. Your DH needs to find the root causes and unpick those.

Have you watched Couples Therapy on iPlayer by the way? Maybe watch it together - it really brought home to me how much our upbringings affect our attitudes but how we don't have to stick to the blueprint our useless parents gave us.

Thanks again @Adhdwife. You articulate the in-laws much better than I did!

I will look out for Couples Therapy. It sure if we can get iplayer here but will check it out. Therapy helped me realize I don’t have to be the same as my parents. He is adamant that he doesn’t want to be like his dad. Yet saying it isn’t really enough, is it?

He’s gone to the doctors to make an appointment. He could’ve done it online but won’t use the online system (that would be too much like a thing an adult would do).