Life long anxiety has left me feeling like drowning

[Fairytoast]

My mental health has been poor on/off since childhood.
I had issues from the age of 5 or 6 (hyperactive, anxious, insomnia, OCD, obsessions etc. I could never settle mentally or physically as a child). Other than giving me Phenergan to get me to sleep, my parents never addressed this. It’s not their fault, it was the 70’s very few people put their kids in therapy back then. I often wonder if I had ADHD and still do?
I am 49 now and things have been nosediving for years and feel that I am holding on by the skin of my teeth. My anxiety is so overwhelming but I feel like I am being gas lighted whenever I reach out for help. When I reach out and tell people that I feel I am going to go crazy/have a breakdown etc, the reply is always ‘Pfff, that’s not going to happen, you’ve always been like this, you’ve been this way since childhood’.

Like many, I haven’t been able to physically see any GP at my practice for 2 years because of the pandemic. I have had endless 5 minute, rushed telephone consultations which get me nowhere.
I feel so anxious and agitated, I feel like I am going to explode.
Then I have a whole host of physical issues which exacerbates my anxiety and so a vicious cycle begins and never stops.
Then I fall into a massive depression.

I have these awful physical distresses, for example,

Every day I have digestive distress:- burping, gurgling, bloating, gas, acid, pain in stomach, diarrhoea, sometimes constipation. Constant activity in my guts despite trying all medicines prescribed. I have had IBS for 24 years which has become so much worse the last 5 years and I’ve had so many tests yet I am constantly convinced I have something serious, this obviously perpetuates the anxiety.

I have awful heavy periods which have made me very anaemic. My gp allowed me to limp along struggling with iron supplements which wrecked my guts now ing my levels were really low so now I have a ferritin of 3 and HB 9.7. I need a uterine ablation but can’t have it until my iron is higher so had to have an iron infusion last week which have made me feel unwell so these have been put off until my bloods are checked in 3 weeks time, so the ablation won’t be able to go ahead!

I try all I can to feel well/to get better. I don’t drink or smoke. I exercise and keep my weight down. I am careful what I eat because of the digestive issues. I go to bed at 10.30pm (although have broken sleep and awful dreams), I listen to meditation/hypnotherapy every day/evening. I have had endless counselling, CBT sessions and even EMDR (mostly all paid privately) but still this insidious anxiety will not leave, it just creeps in every day and steels my joy and it’s affecting my marriage, my kids lives, my job, my everything. Most people wouldn’t know as like many I put on my ‘mask’ so all seems ok. People don’t want to hear about my crap, they have their own problems.
My mind will not shut off, ever. It is poison to me. It won’t rest, ever.
I just want to be free of it.

Has anyone been here. Where I am right now? How did you get help? Did you ever feel better? What got you better?

I feel like I can not hold my head above the water for much longer.

Have you tried medication for anxiety? SSRIs can be very effective

Where I am, you can self-refer to the local well-being service. After a bad service with one of my DC, I was sceptical when I referred myself recently, but they've actually been very helpful.
I'm going to get a CBT based therapy and have agreed to peer support (where someone with a similar experience calls to see how I am doing).
It might be worth looking to see if that's available for you.

I am sorry you feel this way. Have you been diagnosed with IBS? The brain/gut connection is very, very strong - and often physical symptoms such as digestive disturbances can cause anxiety - and vice Versa- and it is a very hard link to break.
I would insist on seeing a GP in person to ask about controlling your digestive issues and heavy periods.
And ask for a full hormone check.
Peri menopause can be responsible for a lot of these symptoms - especially the anxiety .
It might be that HRT can help you - but speak to the GP about what options there are. I hope you feel better and can get some help with managing these symptoms which sound horrendous

Also have you tried a good probiotic? Symprove is expensive but very good - I feel my anxiety lessens when I take it

Holly60 I have tried several but they all exacerbate my symptoms so I feel worse. I know I need to push through that but the heightened anxiety scares me.
Sideswiped have have had quite a bit of CBT through my local mental health services but it hasn’t had much impact. I would love something like a peer support service though, I will see if I can find anything kike that locally, thanks.
Sunnysideup999 I do have an IBS diagnosis but the gastroenterologist says there is little he can do for me. I am also under gynae and awaiting an ablation but I can’t have that performed until my iron levels are up. My gp is useless, I’ve asked about peri so many times but they say as I’m heaving periods I’m not yet there!! I’m going to have to see a menopause specialist privately. I will have a look at Symprove thanks.

Like many, I haven’t been able to physically see any GP at my practice for 2 years because of the pandemic. I have had endless 5 minute, rushed telephone consultations which get me nowhere.
I feel so anxious and agitated, I feel like I am going to explode

I’ve just started a thread in mental health about not being able to see GP.

You have my every sympathy. Feeling shit is bad enough, and dealing with triage and phone appointments just make it worse ime. You need proper f2f when struggling with mental health.

Could you get someone to phone if for you and ask for an appt?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow so frustrating isn’t it? I am one of these people who likes eye contact and I usually like to hand a list of my symptoms as well, you can’t do that via a phone appointment. I’ve tried to contact them but they will still only actually see people for physical stuff 🙄

I absolutely understand. I think all mental health appointments should be f2f.

Body language is 75% of conversation. How can you see that on a phone?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow, Ive just looked at your thread. Sorry you are having the same problems, it just adds to our anxiety when the first point of contact is so distant. My actual GP left during the first lockdown so I’ve had endless telephone conversations with GPs I have never met. I had a GP from the age of 8-35 u til she retired, I trusted her with my life, she would even talk to my if I saw her in the street and ask how I was. I would not know my GP now from Adam!

Write a letter to your GP stating you need a face to face appointment. For our surgery it's the only way to get one, they don't like the idea of being liable for missing something the patient has written evidence of telling them.

Have you looked into ADHD and its different presentations? It may not be that, but you've taken many steps to address what you've put down to a mental health condition, so maybe time to consider neurodiverse conditions?

CorrBlimeyGG That’s a really good idea, it hadn’t crossed my mind to write, thank you. I will definitely do that. I have done several online ADHD tests and I can tick so many boxes with this condition, it wasn’t even something I had considered until I recently saw something on social media and thought, crikey that’s me! I haven’t mentioned it to anyone as I am scared I won’t be taken seriously.

I am not a fan of diagnosing people through the internet, but there are quite a few things described in your post that are often associated with ADHD and/or autism.

You may find this list helpful.
the-art-of-autism.com/females-and-aspergers-a-checklist/

Getting a diagnosis obviously doesn’t change much, but it can help to point you in the direction of where to look for ways to help you manage. The neurodiversity community is very active on Twitter and sharing a lot of advice there, so that may be worth a look if you find you recognise a lot of what’s on this list. If nothing else, it may help you feel less alone

Thanks for that Crazzzycat I don’t like labels personally but I have felt all of my life that what I have is something more than anxiety and have never been able to put my finger on it until I recently started seeing these posts online about adults living with undiagnosed ADHD, I may be completely off but it’s the first time I can tick so many boxes.

It’s often underdiagnosed in females too.

Hi Fairytoast
As this post is so long ago, I don’t know if you’ll see my reply or if you still have ongoing issues but I couldn’t read your post and scroll by without commenting.
Your symptoms sound very much like PANS PANDAS (an immune dysfunction that causes neuropsychiatric symptoms, usually starting in childhood but if not treated can continue into adulthood). There is an amazing FB group run by the PANS PSNDAS UK charity that has extremely knowledgable and very helpful parents and tons of information, I would suggest you join it, gain as much info as you can and decide if you think this could be something to rule out.
wishing you all the best, life sounds as if it’s such a struggle and no help from doctors. I hope you find some support and solutions.
📸 Look at this post on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/share/niQyGoRf56r7FPvN/?mibextid=K35XfP

Yes you’ve got adhd. I’m officially diagnosed with Asperger’s/GAD/depression/OCD and self-diagnosed with inattentive adhd. I feel that same sense of agitation and anxiety along with depression. I’ve always been anxious but I didn’t start suffering with depression until my late thirties. Like you, I sensed that my anxiety wasn’t quite the same as other people’s. My youngest DS had very classic Asperger’s (I know it’s not called that anymore) and it still took me years to realise that he’d inherited it from me. Well I didn’t realise - an acquaintance with ASD more or less told me!

I also have awful digestive issues….started as reflux and has developed into intolerances to many foods. There’s a correlation between my digestive flare-ups and depression but it can be difficult to work out which comes first.