Hi everyone, I'm relatively new to this forum and it's been really nice to be here. It's helping me deal with my issues. I got some bad messages criticizing my English language (not a native speaker) but the majority here has been amazing with me, so thank you!
I have a serious problem that has worsened recently. I grew up with a mom that had a lot of anxiety issues and several phobias. I remember her crying whenever I had a fever, she would take me to the doctor in panic for every stupid thing. I live in constant fear of getting sick and dying. When I was 18 I moved out, went to college, and met great people and those were some of the best years of my life. But... then I had a son and he was constantly ill, almost died at the age of 2 (status epilepticus) and after that my life has been hell. These last 10 years have been a constant worry. Even when he stopped being sick and became strong and happy and healthy I couldn't stop worrying. He's almost 13 y/o now and I'm still worried about him. It sounds ridiculous and I am ashamed of writing this here but maybe if I write it down it will help... so, I worry about his digestive "problems", Several doctors have checked him because he has some issues with loose stools and mucus sometimes but all the tests were fine. A very good specialist told us he is fine but my brain doesn't want to believe it. I wake up every morning wondering if he will be sick today. When he's in school I keep the phone close to me all the time, worried that the teacher will call to tell me he's sick. When we travel I don't enjoy it like the rest of the families, I've been to amazing places all around the world but all I could think of was, will he get sick here? What if he gets sick?. The same happens when we go on a trip or meet friends. If he goes to pee more often than usual I panic, imagining all the worst possible scenarios (kidney infection). If he wakes up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night I immediately wake up and run to his room to ask if he is OK. He is annoyed, of course, says he just needed to pee and that I'm crazy. I mean, I sometimes took him to the doctor but he was totally fine. My brain is convinced that something is wrong, but doctors tell me there's nothing wrong but I can't calm down.
In December I decided to see my GP and talk to her about my problems. She said I have burnout (I work a lot) and also heavy anxiety. She prescribed mirtazapine and therapy but I can't afford a therapist at the moment, so I tried the pills. They helped me, yes, but I felt numb. I just slept and ate. I had no feelings, couldn't cry, laugh, I was literally numb. I won a lot of weight and decided I would try to fix the mess in my head by myself and quit the medication.
I am aware of my problem, I know that all my worries make no sense and I know what people think of me - that I am nuts. When I talk to other moms and I see them so relaxed even when the kids have a fever I wonder, how do they do it??? My husband thinks I'm fine, I mean, on the outside nobody can see how I really feel because I'm very good at hiding it, but then I do crazy things like calling a doctor because I think my son is very sick, and the doctor looks at me as if I was nuts and asks, why did you bring him here if he is fine?.
It's never been so bad before, although there are no reasons for me to worry. I want to have a normal life, my kid is big now and I can work full time again and enjoy my hobbies and live a more free life but... I'm trapped in this anxiety that ruins everything. Even a short trip to the nearest town is hell for me...
Thanks for listening/reading. I believe this will end someday but in the meanwhile, I would be very grateful if you gave me some advice.