I Hate Myself

[ButtonBound]

I hate myself.
Always have.
Always will.

I'm not smart. I'm not funny. I'm not pretty. I've never accomplished anything. Nothing to be proud of. I'm weird. I'm awkward. Not good at anything. Don't have any friends. Never had a boyfriend. Never been hit on. Never been kissed. Never had sex. I'm 40. I'm a shitty person.

Buttons.

Can I come and sit next to you on the "shitty person" bench, Button?

I feel the same about myself most days. It's not great to wake up to, is it?

So the way I see it, the only way is up. You can change most of that. You can start with doing something that you'd feel proud of. Raise some money to help someone else, do something for someone else - small task, big task whatever. . Make your presence valuable by doing something that helps someone - volunteer in some way. You will then have something to feel good about, something to be proud of. You will have accomplished something. Your self esteem will raise. Focus on what you CAN do, what qualities and abilities you DO have and not those you don't. Maybe by focussing on how you can bring something to the world and to other people you might like yourself more, then you'll probably find you are also more attractive to other people as your confidence begins to peek out and you won't be the shitty person you believe yourself to be? I don't think for a second you are likely ugly, or weird, or shitty or whatever else you think of yourself, I think you are just in a bad head space with a very negative mindset well established. But that can change. It's not easy. I don't have it sussed, but hell I'm trying and I feel better for doing so. And hey, the kissing and the sex - there's a first time for everything - and maybe it will be worth the wait!!! Hang in there. You are enough, you can change life for the better, just stop thinking about it and start. Small steps, teenie steps and build. Best of luck Button. I bet you could make friends in a heartbeat if you let them in.

Have always felt this way or is it more recent? Have you spoken to your GP or looked into self help or private therapy?

I'm so sorry you haven't found your niche :( You are not a shitty person. You went to school when schools were more like sausage factories and didn't care about people who were neurodiverse.

Could it be possible you have a neuro- condition that makes socialising/being human difficult?

It really is true that people have a habit of taking us at our own estimation of ourselves.

So the only way out is to fake it till we make it.

Easier said than done, I know.

Sorry you're struggling so much Button. Have you sought help from your GP?

@SmellyWellyWoo and @CorrBlimeyGG ... I have felt this way for a while, years. I deal with it as best I can. I can be quite alright and just as quickly not. I've been in work, having a chat with someone and by the time I get back to my desk I'm going over everything thinking 'why did I say that' and tears will roll down my cheeks because I'm so bloody stupid. I haven't sought help from a GP. I've read self-help books, but I can't make it work.

@duvetdayforeveryone - I have occasionally wondered if that may be the case. I wasn't a terribly social child but it really didn't bother me. I'd say I was pretty happy spending my time imagining that I was dating my favourite actor!

@FMLpassthegin - all good advice. I do like it when someone asks me to help them with something, especially something creative. I love doing that for them. I've wanted to volunteer but lack of confidence and feeling like an idiot always saying the wrong things puts me off.

Like I say, I have days where I just get on with it and days when I look at others and feel like my parents must wish they had them for a daughter instead of me.

Someone a bit more normal.

@PerkingFaintly - please join me, tho I think I'd win the prize for shittiest person. I recently made a very very poor decision, went down a rabbit hole and it certainly hasn't helped the way I feel about myself. I deserve to feel this way.

to keep us entertained on the bench.

You're holding down a job, so I doubt your workplace thinks you're "so bloody stupid".

Are you being perfectionist, and then not meeting your standards of perfection? (Because of course no one can meet such standards.)

BTW, the overthinking and constant self-judging sound a lot like depression – the sort that anti-depressant medication can make a big difference to.

My experience was that ADs helped my brain function more clearly, and not just chase round on the hamster wheel. They were life-changing for me.

Self-help books may be useful for some people some of the time, but:
a) they can also contain a lot of codswallop, and
b) it sounds like, at the moment, they've just become another task you feel you're failing at.

I'd definitely recommend going to the GP.

I really think that you should go and see your GP, @ButtonBound, but I'm telling you straight that there are millions of people out there who really are shit, cruel people who deliberately hurt others, but they will never, ever think that of themselves. In their minds, they are great. You're not one of them. I could say that you shouldn't hate yourself as you do but I know you will need help to realise that and to find what you want in life. for you and all good wishes.

I would second maybe doing the online testing to see if you could perhaps be neurodiverse. It seems you are very hard on yourself and maybe not realising are self sabotaging as you aren't comfortable in your own skin??? I say this as I have had ocd negative thoughts all my life and always seem to self destruct Since my dd was diagnosed autistic 6 years ago and researching , joining groups etc I have realised that I am too ND. It hasn't cured me but helped me understand where I went with different paths in my life and also given me a break from my self loathing and Started to heal in a way. It may not be this but imagine it could possibly be something you need help overcoming. Is there anyone you can reach out to?

@ButtonBound I still like to day dream I like to serve as an engineer on the Enterprise :)

You haven't had sex and don't have friends because of your belief system. You think you are ugly and worthless so you send a clear 'keep away' to folk around you. You will do this even if you are not aware of it. I will take a bet you see yourself very differently than everyone else does and I will also take a bet you are better looking and more intelligent than you realise, I am not been funny but the ugliest most thick person could go out tonight and find someone to have sex with. Your issue is how how you see yourself. You desperately need to start building your self worth. There are some good tips on this board,

This

@ButtonBound sorry to hear how you're feeling. I've struggled with low self esteem for years.
Do you have friends or family who are supportive?
I think volunteering would be a really good idea but I understand your fears.
I agree with another poster that you should speak to your GP regarding how you're feeling.
We are all unique, please be kind to yourself, I know life can feel so challenging at times but with support and time we can move forward towards brighter days