AIBU to feel there's no hope left :-(

[Dyingtobefree]

Apologise for the length of this x

I've struggled with various issues over the last 20 odd years and due to those issues I've lost myself and my life. I've been caught up in too many one sided relationships that have completely broken and destroyed my confidence as well as affecting my mental health to the point of having to have immediate psychiatric help.

I feel lost. No hope. No life. Been made to feel utterly worthless. I have friends but they have their own lives and although I will listen for hours to their problems I never share mine and when I have shared how low I was feeling on the rare occasion to those who I thought 'cared' I was shot down and told I couldn't be around their kids because it was too risky. I've never hurt anyone in my life, at that point I knew sharing was a no no, so I keep it all internalised.

I desperately need something before it's too late.

I am utterly sad.

I've been in therapy on and off since I was 16 (over 3 decades). I'm actively in therapy now, but it doesn't stop the pain of years of being made to feel so shit. Speaking to a therapist is great and everything because I know how lucky I am to have that outlet but being alone and knowing that I can't/couldn't express myself to those who mattered really f'd me up.

I've been in relationships where I've been cheated on, lied to, beaten, verbally, mentally, physically and emotionally abused. I've just never had any luck. I've never experienced unconditional love.

I don't get out at all due to my illnesses so I basically sit home alone all day, every day sad and lonely.

I lost (who I thought) was the love of my life last year after a very turbulent relationship. It was very obvious in the end he never loved me and I was tired of fighting for someone who didn't ever love me back.

Now I am just exhausted of fighting for everything. I'm so poor I sit freezing every day. I barely have £20 a week for food. I'm losing weight (when I'm already small). My life is an absolute shit show and I can't see a way out - only one which is becoming the more attractive option by the minute.

Sorry to go on, just needed to get this out.

There is hope. I'm here and listening, because you are worth listening to, and I can tell you needed to get all that off your chest! You're not alone, keep talking to us here - there is always a listening ear

@Xiaoxiong

Thank you.

Well tell me about yourself, can you tell me what you do enjoy? Do you like to read, or listen to podcasts? Crochet, craft? Chat to people on the internet? Listen to music? What's your favourite flower? Do you have a particular spot in your house you like to sit?

How do you access therapy, is it over zoom? I'm so glad you're having therapy by the way! Do you feel like you're making any progress?

I'm really sorry to hear of the ups and downs of your relationships over the years and your recent breakup. It must feel like a kick in the teeth if it's destroyed your confidence to that extent.

Can you tell us more about your illnesses that keep you indoors? Are you getting the medical support you need?

Sorry for the 20 questions! But I'd like to listen to you more!

for you.
I've been where you are. Only just starting to pull myself up from it to be honest.

I found talking as much as possible to be helpful. Do you have friends who will listen to you? Do you have family members who can help you right now?
Can a neighbour come over for a bit? Is there anyone who can run a couple of errands for you and join you for a cuppa for example?
Can you ask for a food bank referral if you're struggling for food money?
Please call the Samaritans or someone else if you're in a dark place.
I've spoken to them before and they literally saved me. The person I talked to was fantastic.

Things can and do get better. I promise. Hang in there.
I'll be thinking of you today.

@Xiaoxiong

Thank you for replying x

Well tell me about yourself, can you tell me what you do enjoy?

I use to enjoy things. Like reading, painting, gardening (spring/summer) but since my mental health has been in the bin I've lost all enthusiasm for anything that use to remotely bring me joy. My therapist has me reading a chapter a day to get me back into reading.

Do you like to read, or listen to podcasts? Crochet, craft?

I listen to audiobooks and do a lot of guided meditations. Podcasts not so much.

Chat to people on the internet? Listen to music? What's your favourite flower? Do you have a particular spot in your house you like to sit?

I have lots of people who I chat to causally, but again, it's nothing full on, I don't want to burden anyone. I love ALL flowers. My garden is my safe space (weather permitting). I sit upstairs in my room. I hate sitting in the lounge alone, I feel so lonely down there. I frequently have Alexa playing Buddhist meditation music or chilled jazz. I like emo rap (which is weird for a mid 40s woman).

How do you access therapy, is it over zoom? I'm so glad you're having therapy by the way! Do you feel like you're making any progress?

Yes, it's currently over zoom. This therapy is to do with the PTSD I'm dealing with after my sons suicide attempt last year. Been struggling to come to terms with that. Last year was horrible. All things are spoken about though during my sessions ...

I'm really sorry to hear of the ups and downs of your relationships over the years and your recent breakup. It must feel like a kick in the teeth if it's destroyed your confidence to that extent.

Really did. I loved him completely and utterly. I won't ever get over it.

Can you tell us more about your illnesses that keep you indoors? Are you getting the medical support you need?

Since 1998 I have suffered with severe agoraphobia, panic disorder, monophobia, depression, GAD, zero self esteem, self harm and eating disorders (ED since I was 12 and bullied for being fat and ugly). The abuse and the feelings of being not good enough just compounds everything. I was also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in late 2019 due to the childhood physical abuse and trauma I experienced . Thats been a joy to get my head around. It's a lot to deal with on top of everything else. My only support is my elderly mum who also has a husband with dementia, so I don't see her as often as I use to, she is the only person I trust to leave the house with.

@Cerridwen83

Thank you.

I do have neighbours but they're old and definitely don't want me going in crying! I do help them out a lot in the summer with their garden which I know they appreciate and I enjoy helping them.

I wouldn't ever burden anyone with my issues IRL because I know it's too much. I am the helper not the one who asks for help. My BFF has no idea how I'm struggling ...

Thanks again for taking the time to reply x

Sounds an utterly awful situation to be in OP. Are there groups you can access who have people who share your illness, and who will be happy to share their experiences/solutions with you? There will be many people in your situation who would probably equally be glad to have someone to offload to sometimes. It seems that’s what is lacking in your life at the moment - someone to just listen and not judge, who can help you get a better mindset of what you need to do to pull yourself out of this black hole you’re in. There are always solutions, but it’s very hard to see them or even think when you’re in such a low place. I’ve had low periods in my life, and have managed to drag myself out of them eventually. I hope someone comes along soon who has had a similar past experience as you, and that they might be able to give some advice. and big hugs.

Well you're not burdening us! So chat away. I'm currently sitting at my kitchen table with a vase of red roses and daffodils next to me - yay for cut price flowers on Feb 15th!! I also don't like sitting in the living room on my own, I think because it feels like a room that should have more than one person in it. At least a bedroom or a kitchen I'm often in there on my own so it doesn't feel as weird!

In my garden at the moment I have geraniums and camellias in bloom (already!!), daffs coming up, snowdrops, crocuses and I think some tulips as a gift from myself last year! I love bulbs, I find them such a sign of hope when the weather is really at its gloomiest you see life and colour emerging.

I'm so sorry about your son's suicide attempt, I have two sons and I know that would have destroyed me too. I'm so glad you've got a therapist to help you and I can imagine it's a very long road ahead on top of your other health issues. How's he doing now?

What are you reading at the moment with your one chapter a day? I've just finished a book and looking for something new!

I didn't want to read and run. All I can offer is that my BFF was feeling as you are now then I would want to know and I would be there for her in whatever ways she needed. Helpers sometimes need to ask for help. I say that from personal experience - I am definitely a 'helper' and find it hard to ask for help, but whenever I have done I have always been surprised by how much my friends are there to help.

So, sending virtual hugs and will repeat what others have said - call the Samaritans when you feel really low, they will listen to you for as long as you need them to.

@Livelovebehappy

I've tried the route of specialised mental health groups, I even attended one years ago, but for me, it was something that I never really felt entirely comfortable with. It's not because I am shy, it's again more to the point of being 'too much' for most people. I've since been told that so many times. It's soul destroying to know that because of who you are you're too much to cope with. I know I have good qualities though. I know I'm kind, loving, supportive, I help however I can within my limitations... I'm a good listener and I put up with a lot more than I really should, but I do it because I feel guilt of being ill... I accept it because of the trouble I cause others. I was excluded from my sisters (and her family's) life for 18 months, wasn't allowed in her house because I was so ill mentally I had to move in with my mum and she didn't like that, so she literally cut me off.

No one really understands me and there's not been a moment when I've not been judged in some way and that really really cripples me.

@Swarskid2184

I love my BFF dearly and I accept her completely, but unfortunately she has no patience for mental illness. She 'doesn't get it' (her words). It's crazy because she's now got a partner with mental issues and she's really struggling to know what to say and how to say it, so
I'm basically coaching her how to be around him.

@Xiaoxiong

My camellia has currently one single flower and I've got ONE snowdrop (use to have a border full), no idea where the others have disappeared to. I still have loads of viola in flower ... I planted them from seeds. I am a seed hoarder. Any flower I can collect from I will. I learnt last year how to collect petunia seeds so I have hundreds waiting to be planted. I even went to my neighbours and asked to collect some of her petunia seeds cause she had the pretty pink and white striped ones. Hanging baskets will hopefully be cheaper this year.

Yeah. My son. The love of my life. Had no idea the day he left my house that was his intention. I second guess and question literally everything now and that is what I'm trying to manage. Even now, nearly 10 months on, if he takes too long going to Tesco or a hear a siren I freak out. It's bloody horrible. How is my son doing now!? He 'says' he's fine but I question that, cause he was 'fine' the day he walked out to kill himself. He's on medication so I hope it's helping x

I'm currently reading Being Ram Dass, it's an autobiography. He was a spiritual guru. I read one of his other books a couple of years ago and loved it. Ironically my ex bought me this book and I've not been able to even look at it since we split up until very recently .... I still struggle with maintaining concentration though, whereas before I was reading a book every few days.
I read a lot of spiritual and self help. Eckhart Tolle, Dr Wayne Dyer, Dr Joe Dispenza ... I have roughly 40/50 books of those genre and I've read probably 95% of them.

No wonder you're struggling so much, I hope your son is feeling better now? Do you have a good relationship with him?

It sounds like you need a "buddy" or professional to actively get out of the house as being actually able to get out will do you the world of good. Exposure is generally the only thing that works. You could start really small. Are there any cafès or shops where you could buy a coffee and then maybe a sit-down at a local park? Nature can be very soothing. I found Magnesium therapy to be enormously helpful with my GAD. I can expand if you're interested.

I came over from AIBU to find your thread, and I’m so sorry you’re feeling so horrible.

I can relate to the feeling of not wanting to sit in the living room because it feels too lonely.

💐💐