Dark intrusive thoughts *possible TW

[GoodbyeKat]

I had MH issues this time around since June last year. I take Mirtazapine and Propranolol. Work has been so busy, covering for covid absences. Non stop for last 3 weeks. DCs have a had problems, every day type of shit. I’m completely worn out.

This week it all came to a head. I sat at the train station and had a thought about suicide. If I walked in front of the train would the pain be more than I feel now, would the impact hurt, would death be instant.
The last time I had this feeling was in 2017 when I was at Uni and that and personal issues were all too much. Only that time I walked to the edge of the platform and as the train went past my toes on my left foot were over the platform if I’d taken a bigger step I may not be here today.
This time I was sitting on the seat at the platform and I didn’t even dare stand up. I have 2 DCs , adult and child. I have a close friend who I’ve spoken to and told them this.

Are you having any treatment? You need to speak to your GP. If you feel in immediate danger you can go to A and E.

My username is a play on the Hello kitty character.. not as is Kat the girls name. Although it does seem ironic considering my OP

Your original post reads like you have intent OP. That is impossible for us to know obviously as we sit on this forum, but I felt a chill as I read what you wrote about your younger experience and the repeat now. Take yourself seriously. Can you get therapy to try and dig into what is going on for you? I echo the above poster, if you are thinking of returning to the platform and putting your toe near the edge you need to seek medical help immediately. This is your life OP. Your one, precious life.

Hi @GoodbyeKat
I had similar thoughts about cars when crossing the road when I was depressed, I told my psychiatrist and he increased my Venlafaxine which really helped.

I think you do need to speak to a doctor asap about an increase or change in meds.

Get signed off if possible and stay away from the train station until the meds kick in.

Let us know how you get on x

Sorry things are hard Kat. It is interesting that you describe these as intrusive thoughts. When thoughts pop up automatically/intrusively like this (rather than as part of a reflective process during which you think about how you authentically want to respond to your difficulties and unhappiness), there can be a number of origins, some of which are more protective than others.
For me, it is almost like a way of venting, giving expression to how awful I feel -- a bit like smacking yourself in the head as an expression of anger with yourself. Or alternatively it is sometimes a kind of peacefu lfantay, that reminds me that - should i choose to - I can escape.
But for other people it can be very different. More like a voice that tells them to do something that they definitely do not want to do.

I just wondered which it was for you, since one type is more destructive and dangerous than the other (although both are ultimately harmful I think.