Hi everyone,
I’m at a stage where I really know I need some help. Since having my toddler, I’ve completely lost focus and motivation. More than ever. I’ve got depression and anxiety but the more I read about adhd the more I wonder if it is that. Lockdown really ruined my routine not that I ever had one but I remember feeling more productive.
Up til now I’ve been extremely lazy, I want to cook and tidy but I just look into space for hours. I remember being day dreamer as a child but somehow did fine at school, although not the smartest, just got on with it, enjoyed school (probably as it was an escape from home life, enjoyed homework as I had nothing better to do at home) but now I just cannot adult at all. I managed to get my ‘dream’ part time job ie a job I feel I can cope with but again as predicted I’m getting burnt out where I’m having to cut down my work even more. But I can’t afford to do that and I’m so worried I’ll f this up, like I f up all the amazing opportunities I have been offered work/uni wise but always managed to mess everything up. I realise I’m in a financially vulnerable position as everything is in my ‘partner’s’ name and I know I need to start sorting myself out for the long run. That’s another thread. I want to save up but it’s such a fight it really doesn’t come easy to hold down a job. My work ethic is good but I burn out easily and then a cycle of failure. Why can’t I do this? Everyone else is managing.
So what I’m saying is I can’t let my mental health issues ruin my work as I desperately need to improve my earning potential and be on a salary where I am self sufficient and not feeling trapped.
I’ve had the most f’d up childhood and everything else no wonder I have issues but I don’t know, I feel I need to be diagnosed with something so I can be kinder to myself. I’m not convinced I’m NT. I had developmental delays as do my children, with the younger one being assessed for asd.
There are things I do/don’t do that I can’t speak about, just not things women do (stereotypes obv). My partner does a lot of the house work and childcare as I just can’t do anything these days, he’s not an amazing man, he just knows if he doesn’t do it, it won’t get done. Worst thing is he loves cleaning and hates mess so makes me feel even worse even though he’s not saying it. I actually get really angry inside when he is constantly picking up my toddlers toys and I just feel so stupid and lazy and inadequate. But honestly he does more than his fair share but I guess my mental load is huge but then he has bills mortgage etc to deal with. as I literally can’t do much. Maybe I know he will do it deep down so i am constantly in survival mode just using minimal energy. I just about get up for work and then I’m tired for the rest of the day. I can’t focus on anything. I know lockdown made it so much worse.
I’m just wondering how I can get assessed for adhd/asd etc I’m guessing it would have to be private? Would the nhs take private diagnosis seriously? Maybe I’m feeling dubious about going privately as I’m worried I’d be paying for a diagnosis. I just want some answers as to why I’m such a shit human. Absolutely shit at everything. I was academic at school but screwed up uni due to zero focus. I was the only person in my year to fail. Good uni good course. I wasn’t a party animal. Just really had time management. Like I’d cook some pasta and by the time I’d eaten etc I’d be too tired to study. I’d be in Tesco and then be too tired to study. Just wanted to sleep. I’ve come a long way despite abusive child hood, toxic relationship and general all round toxicity all round but I’m so tired of trying to fix myself on my own.
I tried cbt but couldn’t cope with all the ‘homework’ I was being given. I just didn’t have the discipline so I stopped it as I felt like a failure again.
I guess I’m just wanting support and maybe advice. Part of me wants a diagnosis so I feel better about myself, and also if I have a label I can’t tell my work so they don’t be too hard on my if I make a mistake. Not very likely as I’m so conscious of making mistakes I actually spend hours doing 5 min tasks as I don’t want to make any mistakes. I want to start antidepressants but I’m wondering also if adhd medication may be more suitable for my challenges. Is there an overlap with the symptoms they treat? In the end I just want to be a sane mother, be healthy for my children, I have anger issues which is what motivated me to try cbt but like I mentioned it was asking too much from me so now I’m wanting to try meds as I really need it.
Sorry if I don’t make sense. I’m just done tbh.