Depression or just the mundane life of a mum?

[Whatislife990]

Bit of back story, I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old.
Relocated 2 hours from family a year ago, and although I love it where we are now, and would never go back, I'm quite isolated.
My partner works 49 hour weeks so it's just me with the kids most the time.
(I work 23 hours a week, one night, one weekend shift)

Ever since I had my second, I've not been 100 % tbh but been trying to get through.
Comes in waves, few weeks of being down, not wanting to get out anywhere.
I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning most days, when little one naps, I end up in bed too.
My appetite has gone completely.
I'm so emotional, and haven't stopped crying today.

I find the days so long and mundane, same thing every day, drop eldest at nursery, back home, few hours play time, lunch, nap, pick eldest up, and wait for other half to get home.
And then some weeks are OK, I force myself out to playgroups etc.
How do I know the difference between just feeling this mundane parenting feeling or if I need some antidepressants.
I've been on them before years ago and I got a lot lot worse before getting any better and of course that's what puts me off going back on them.
I cant afford to get any worse when I've two young children that need me to function properly.

The crying is the bit which makes me think depression. How are you sleeping OP?

I'd say try making some positive changes to give you a boost but if you're feeling so demotivated that you can't do that then I think anti depressants are great for giving you that boost so that you can make positive changes. And then ween off them.

Positive changes could be doing some yoga at nap time. Walking more. Reading in the evenings instead of screen time. Commiting to a regular baby group so you can build up relationships with the other mums.

Also you don't need to go on the same anti depressants as last time.

To be honest, I just want to sleep all the time, so sleeping isn't a problem.

The slightest things hit me, I'd been doing ok, still not much motivation, then yetarrday my 3.year old had a bad day at school, hurt a few children, and ive come crashing down again.
Feel like im falling as a mum with him.

I know exactly what I should be doing, making small changes, I just can't face people. I go to pick up early so I don't have to see other parents, and drop off last minute so I'm in and out the school.

Do you have enjoyable times, when the kids are asleep and you and your partner having a bit of time together do you feel happy? Or does it all seem unending dreariness, can you plan and look forward to things even if it’s just going to play group. Is there light at the end of the tunnel, thinking forward to when your kids are a bit older, or has the light been switched off. Have all your coping strategies been exhausted and just don’t work anymore?

Seems 100 % dreariness at the moment.
I. Usuqlly jsut go to bed soon as kids are in bed too.
I don't even want to spend time. With my partner either.
But in a few days I usually perk up, like a light bulb and I force myself out.
This is the pattern that's been for about a year now.

Okay then it does sound like you need a little assistance, maybe not necessarily anti depressants. Does your GP practice offer a counselling service, mine offers 8 sessions, but there is a waiting list. Have you checked out online resources like the NHS website which has a lot of information on depression or the website MInd . Have you considered trying mindfulness it’s not woo and can really help with feeling in the moment rather than constantly worrying about the bigger picture. I’m not against anti-depressants and have been in them myself at odd times during my life, but as you probably know they are not a magic cure there are other things you should try even if you are on anti-depressants. It does sound as if you are reacting to the pressures around you looking after the kids and working part time especially working a night shift then having to flip back is a nightmare for you. Tablets are not going to fix those pressures so maybe a big chat is needed with your partner as well.

@Blueberryflavour I feel the same about anti depressants.
I've had cbt before, and didn't find it very helpful. I can't pin point why I'm like this, so it didn't prove to help me really.
And im not sure if counselling is the same really.
My life is good, 2 healthy children, good career, a good partner.
We don't struggle for money. I think that's what makes it worse, there's no reason to feel like this.

I don’t know you but all the things you see as a positives can also be seen as challenges. 2 healthy children, that’s great but a 3 yr old and a 1 year old that’s a lot of work. A career that you like great but it sounds like you are looking after your young children all week, then working a night shift and a weekend shift. I’m guessing your partner works during the week then looks after the children when you are working?. So both of you working 6 days a week with disturbed sleep? Trying to fit in a little family time and household chores with what little time you have available on the 7th day, no time for yourselves.No family support either. Money is okay but you are both having to work hard for it. I’m not saying it’s a bad life but definitely stressful I think there are plenty of reasons you might feel down. It’s allowed. What would you say to a friend who confided in you that they were struggling? Would you say “ you’ve got nothing to be depressed about, just get on with it” or would you say “ that sounds tough it’s hard when the children are so little is there anything that you could change to make it a bit easier just now?” You know #bekind that’s everywhere at the moment it’s time to #be kind to yourself.

Thank you @Blueberryflavour you're 100% right in terms of things being challenging.
I do a night in the week because it fits with my partners work, and he's around to have them, but mostly I don't have anyone to have the children after a night shift.
I can't get my 1 year old into nursery until June, and my eldest doesn't go on a Wednesday, and I mostly get given Tuesday nights 😢
(my mums driving 2 hours tomorrow to come for the day so I can sleep, but that doesn't always happen as she works too)

I've just self referred for counselling anyway so I'll take that as a positive step for today.

I’m probably ages with your mum and I’m glad she’s coming to help, even for a day, I work to but try and help my grown up kids and their families at the weekends and have even been known to take a days holiday to help out. Confide in your mum, we’ve all been there. If your mum is supportive and would help with the children, is it possible for you to take a weekend off work and go home for a few days to rest and be looked after. Your partner could come up for the weekend or even stay home and rest himself when not at work. Also can you insist on a different night to work, so that you can pick a night before a nursery day?
That’s a great first step self-referring for counselling.

Parenthood is like a prison sentence. It’s not depression, it’s just a normal response to being trapped in drudgery and having no life.

@Blueberryflavour that's lovely, you sound like my mum! She will do anything to help, but I don't like to put on her too much, so I don't ask.
I already feel bad she's coming tomorrow to help out. It's a long journey for a few hours.

I can ask, I did request tues days off, but because she's already accommodating my weekends, as Oh works every other Saturday so she's juggling that on the rota, she didn't agree to the non Tuesday nights. Which is a pain, I've just got to make it through to June, then my little girl can go to nursery, hoping to Juggle it so they both in after a night and at least I'll get some sleep 9-2!

I could have written your post @Whatislife990 and am in a very similar situation. I asked myself the same and our routines are scarily similar so I find the days mundane and monotonous but I couldn’t cope with the misery and lack of appetite so started AD’s in December although kids dose as I also don’t get on well with them. They’ve helped take the edge off as I was slipping down so I’m eating fairly normally now and seeing little chinks of joy and hope. Might be worth speaking to GP

Can I suggest you look into exactly what SSRIs are and how they act? Just so you know what they do and whether they are likely to have an impact how you are feeling?

Are you able at all to get out and do a hobby? For me it was theatre, I joined a group. I had to do something to get out of the house and away and have me time. Would your partner facilitate this?

Sounds hormonal. Make a mood diary or use the clue app to record your cycles and moods. It's probably PMD, antidepressants or some form of contraceptive pill will help

I did start the gym but that soon finished, jsut feels like there's never any time for me.
By the time OH comes in, we've had dinner, got kids to bed, I'm exhausted and want to go to bed myself.
Because I work one day at the weekend the day we do have together, we spend it having family time.