Feeling like life is over. Struggling hard

[Romandancing]

I have brought this situation on myself I know.
I had an affair - yes it’s terrible and I probably deserve everything I get. I cannot excuse it, only to say that my marriage had been not great for a long time but the right thing to do would have been to leave first.

I ended the affair in July. DH found out about it in November. He was of course angry but he said that our marriage had been rocky for a while and he had to take some responsibility for that.
Surprisingly he was still happy for me to go out and see my friends. I didn’t expect that.

I discovered last week he had put a tracker on my car. He has also been through all my emails - some of which were to my therapist and I feel like he’s read my diary - because he managed to get into my iCloud.
I’m 99% he’s put something on my phone that listens to my calls.
I cannot decide if I’m being paranoid. I feel on edge all the time. I can completely understand why he’d do these things but it’s making me feel anxious in the extreme.
He doesn’t know that I know about the tracker.
He’s been open about going through my emails because he asked my directly about some of the things I’d sent to my therapist.
We have a dc which is the main reason I didn’t leave - although I take responsibility totally for the affair obviously.
But this is a really hard way in which to live. I do know it’s my own fault and I can understand why DH is doing what he’s doing. It’s just making me feel on edge. For example I was meeting my best friend yesterday and at the last minute we changed the restaurant we were going to. He called me as I pulled up at the changed destination to ask what was happening and where I was.
As I said I do understand why he’s doing this and have only myself to blame but I’m really struggling. It’s making me suicidal.
Please be gentle with replies.

Unfortunately it has made him really paranoid but that doesn't excuse this type of behaviour it isn't normal and he probably doesn't even realise that he's probably feeling very insecure. If you are staying together then maybe couples counseling. The affair might have had more of an impact on him than you think. Hope you can both work it out x

You're clearly very unhappy in the relationship and there's no justification for him hounding you like this. Trust is gone. It's over - you need to make plans to split up. How were things before your affair?

They were pretty rubbish, hence why I had an affair. I know it doesn’t excuse the affair and I’m not justifying it at all.
But yeah - pretty rubbish.

Sounds like you need to move on lovely x

🌷you can't live your life being tracked like this. It would be healthiest if you split. I do feel for you.

Tbh it sounds like you want out. Affair and then getting all worked up over this. I wouldn’t care if my dh needed to do this after having an affair to feel secure, as I have nothing to hide. Of course he is going to be paranoid and need reassurance. Anyway, trust is broken, you both probably need therapy together to get over it if you do.

I don’t want him to know where I am all the time. He told me I was to stop seeing my therapist and I would prefer to keep seeing them. It’s helpful to me. But he will now know if I go.

There is no excuse for what he’s doing. It’s completely outrageous. Aren’t you angry? You should be.
I think your marriage is over. You e made a mistake, that doesn’t justify being kept under surveillance and having private correspondence ransacked.

No I’m not angry - I feel like I deserve it so I cannot really complain. I was angry when I found the tracker, initially. Then I thought I’ve no right to be angry and now I just feel anxious and defeated.
He doesn’t want me to see my therapist because he thinks they encourage me to leave the marriage. They don’t - they don’t give an opinion either way.

Take the tracker off your car and put it in the bin. His behaviour is controlling and abusive. He doesn't get to decide you can't leave the relationship if you are unhappy. I think I would confide in friends what has happened and consider speaking to the police.

If the relationship isn't good, what does he get out of keeping you in it? Is it that he doesn't want to lose face or is it because he won't be able to keep manipulating you? Maybe both and more.

You need help - can you speak to your GP about your suicidal thoughts?

@Romandancing

No I’m not angry - I feel like I deserve it so I cannot really complain. I was angry when I found the tracker, initially. Then I thought I’ve no right to be angry and now I just feel anxious and defeated. He doesn’t want me to see my therapist because he thinks they encourage me to leave the marriage. They don’t - they don’t give an opinion either way.

You don’t deserve this, no. Of course you don’t.

My friends were outraged on my behalf, but they are bound to be on my ‘side.’

It sounds like you need to start looking at how to leave this relationship. It's not even about who is to blame now, it all just sounds toxic.

Why in earth do you think you don't have a right to be angry? What you did was wrong but I what world does that justify him being awful back to you?? This is not how good marriages work. Would you encourage a child to start bullying a friend who had wronged them? No you would tell them to either forgive thw friend or end the friendship. Why are you putting up with this? You are a nervous wreak and he clearly can't be happy either. You are poorly suited and need to leave each other.

Just because you had an affair does not give him the right to track your every move or be possessive. The affair has probably made him really insecure which is understandable but still doesn't justify his behaviour.
Have you sat down with him and told him you are unhappy? Do you want to pursue this marriage? If not it's kinder to him to be honest as well as kinder to yourself x

He has no right to track you or prevent you from seeing a therapist. He's being controlling and this will probably continue. He will use the affair as justification forevermore. It's no way for you to live.