The decision about whether or not to have kids and depression

[Sannnyyy]

This is a topic which comes up on Mumsnet a lot, but I feel like I need to get it out because it's making me feel so depressed.

I’m approaching my late 30s, and I’ve never really wanted kids, never felt maternal etc, but when I was younger I think I just assumed I’d want them by the time I was in my 30s. However, here I am, and still don’t feel any broodiness. I have a million reasons (I’m an introvert, need my own space, very low self-esteem, pretty lazy, afraid of the risks etc) but ultimately I just don’t look at a life with children and think – yes, that’s what I’d like my life to be. I have nieces and nephews who I enjoy spending time with, but they don’t make me want my own (I know niblings aren’t comparable, but they’re the closest I have).

I’ve literally gone around and around in my head for the last few years on this decision though. I’m so aware that I actually have no idea what having kids is like, and maybe I’d absolutely love it. It makes me feel really anxious and depressed that I might be missing out on what is a huge human experience. I haven’t felt very fulfilled or particularly happy in my life over the last few years either, so kids do feel like the next natural step. I also feel sad about not having family around when I’m my parents’ age, as I’m very close to my own family.

My husband wasn’t bothered either way until a couple of years ago when all his friends started having kids. We got together very young, and when we got married we said ‘maybe one day’ to the kids question, but it was so hypothetical because no one we knew was in that place. Now I’m very aware that he would prefer to have children than not, and I feel a lot of guilt about it.

I’ve had counselling for this, but it didn’t help me. I think ultimately I want to come to some kind of peace with not having children and feel confident in that decision, but it’s so hard when society tells you that it’s the most fulfilling thing you can do, and if you don’t have them you’re missing out on a huge part of life. I also feel so 'left behind' with everyone else starting families, and I know my husband feels the same.

I feel like this is having a huge impact on my mental health and almost stopping me moving on. Can anyone relate?

Having kids is one of the biggest decisions you'll ever have to make. It's really bloody tough and if your not in a place where you want them, then don't do it.
Doing it just do you have family when your old isn't a good enough reason, although I totally get your viewpoint in that.

Society is changing and it's way more acceptable for women to not have/want babies. It's absolutely fine. My DD has told me she never wants children. She's only 18 so I'm aware this may not always be the case, I'm really proud of her for feeling like she doesn't have to conform to an outdated notion that she has to have kids.

You do what's right for you.

@purpleboy thank you for your reply - that's exactly what I needed to read today

Don't have kids because you feel like you should, everyone else is, or because you want to feel fulfilled. There are no guarantees with kids, so you should only have them if it's what you truly want.

I didn't want children when I was young, especially as I didn't have great mental health. I got together with my partner when we were both 19 and I did like the idea of children with him so we said maybe one day. We didn't get round to it until our late thirties. We have a little girl now and while I love her to bits and wouldn't be without her, it's been really hard for me. Last year was the worst of my life so far and I've been through some pretty terrible times before that. Parenting has been tough and I feel like I probably shouldn't have had her. But at the same time I know that if I hadn't I would have most likely been more unhappy. It's very difficult to judge because you only know the life you're in - if I hadn't had a child I would have been sad but I would have had no idea how difficult raising a child can be either. Sorry... I'm probably not being helpful! All I can say is to repeat previous posters - only have children if you really, really want to. Ignore what society and people around you say. It's okay not to have children.

OP, the feeling I get from reading your post is that you are seeking “permission” or reassurance that it is ok to choose not to have children.
You don’t need that validation from a bunch of strangers- you are the only person who knows what is best for you, and it sounds like you already know the answer. Of course it is fine not to have children - many more women are choosing this nowadays.
Having a child because of social pressure or a fear of missing out would be a potential disaster. You can’t hand them back if you realise they were a mistake, and you risk harming them as well as your own mental health, if they sense they are unwanted.
Given the overpopulation and environmental damage of our planet, your choice can be viewed as altruistic.

Don't have a baby expecting them to fill whatever voids there are in your life. That is grossly unfair to the child and will lead to heartache.

I never wanted children, and have never felt broody. I didn't have children and don't have any regrets, in fact I never give it a second thought until I see threads like this.

When society tells you that it’s the most fulfilling thing you can do. That might be true for people who want children, but its also one of the hardest things you will ever do, just read the threads on here.

It's OK not to have children.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I know deep down that I don't want children, and yes - I probably am trying to seek permission for feeling like this.

I think it doesn't help that the two people I'm closest to in my life have repeatedly questioned me. My husband keeps telling me what a great mum I would make (which may be true, but I might not be a happy mum), and I feel so guilty because I know he'd like to be a dad. And my own mum has questioned me and said that she doesn't want me to regret not having any, and how can I know I don't want children. I don't 100% know that I wouldn't enjoy being a parent, but isn't it a massive risk to take when it's not something you feel like you want to do!

It’s the wrong approach in my opinion (your mum’s), very of the generation though!
How do you know you don’t want children? Well, you only should have them if you do know you want them. For many people it’s the “I always imagined my life with children”, but how much of that is expectations? When we visualise our future, society norms play a big part on it. If the moment for that idea to become a reality approaches and you’re not wanting it, I don’t think you should let ideas take over your life.

Agreed, yes my mum even said that in her day having kids was just what you did - there wasn't much of a decision to be made. I think societal norms play a huge role.

Hello OP. Reading your post was like going back in time. That was me a few years ago, although as a single person, not partnered in any way. All the friends I thought might not have kids had them, I spiralled mentally, thinking I needed to find a good man & maybe have just one baby. I found the man, who had children already & although he would totally have been up for having another, I realised it had taken the pressure off to please him, and I really settled into what I wanted. I always said I never wanted kids, but the forces around you, make you feel left behind & maybe a bit lonely, for all the reasons you mentioned. I'm also a thriving introvert & as much as I LOVE my DSCs to bits I wear down so quickly, it's painful. I sort of dread stays of more than a few days, not because they're not amazing, just I'm not up to it. I know having your own is different, but still. I love being kind & understanding with friends & those around me & I know I'm just a better version of me when I'm not worn to a shred. I think it is harder making huge life changes when you're post mid 30s. Your life is more set. I'm completely happy mid 40s & have so many things I want to do - work, ideas, partner, friends. It's a different course, but it's mine. And I chose it!
Good luck my friend xxx

Hi @KittyRedSocks thank you - you're so right, it makes you feel left behind and lonely. I'm so glad you're happy now though - I hope I can get to that place soon as well!