Can i just use this as a safe place to talk *with a trigger warning I don't want to upset anyone else

[TinyTroubleMaker]

This might end up a longish post.

I'm feeling suicidal, and desperate, and otherwise stuck. Just in a very dark place.

I should say at the outset, this isn't new in itself. So, not just a sign of menopause etc. I grew up in difficult circumstances, believe I developed complex ptsd. Tried to seek help, therapy, anything on the NHS except pills, over and over for 20 years to no avail. I know people are likely to say 'you must go and get help' but my GP, mental health services etc have repeatedly shrugged. I'm in my own unless I turn up as immediately suicidal. I can't do that and don't want to as it would negatively affect my daughter. And I don't believe that if you turn up in that way, it gets you useful support.

I'm on my own, now, in life. I was in a bad place when I had my daughter ten years ago. I got pregnant from a fling, was so traumatised I think, that I more or less froze for 9 months. Had her, have raised her just about. I have this weird life where by day I hold down a reasonably professional job. I pretend I'm OK all the time, in and out of work. To work colleagues and acquaintances - people who don't care about me beyond a point where we interact. At home I've been entirely alone for years, more than ten years. Looking after my daughter alone and very depressed I've done my best. Haven't had anyone I'd call a friend. Haven't been able to go out anywhere without childcare, or anyone to spend time with if I did so I've been in the house after tea time, no hobbies or nights out. Or even ability to go for a walk by myself. I could get a babysitter, but it seems like a waste of money as I'm not clear where id then go. I feel like I don't have an identity, a personality, at least not a positive one. I don't have any value.

Most of me just doesn't want to be here. It's showing up in the way I am at work by now, people can see odd behaviours. The only security I have in life is the money it brings me so that's terrifying. I feel I'm coming apart at the seams, I don't know how much longer I can do it. Really I'm just alive for my daughter, because she has noone else. She is truly wonderful, I don't want to damage her which I know I would if I ended my life. But that's it, that's the only thing that I'm in life for. And sometimes I wonder whether I will reach a point, in say 10 or 20 years, where I think on balance she'll be fine without me, or I've acted in anger towards her and maybe she doesn't want to know me - and then ill feel free to do it. But that feels like a long way off, a lot of time to be in pain before I can go.

I have parts of days or even a few days every now and then, where things don't seem quite so bad. But it doesn't last, it just feels like magical thinking.

I'm aware of all this and the cptsd realisation came from reading and watching people talk about psychology - Pete walker, bessel van der kolk, YouTube people like the crappy childhood fairy and Dr ramani, and a number of others. I try to do things like journal, it helps but at the end of the day one of the biggest problems is I'm so alone. I've had a few fledgling friendships but then people tend to see behaviours in me that mean they retreat. Or wise people keep a distance from me to start with. I struggle with the rejection. I feel a failure for not putting lots of people around my daughter. She has friends at school and is really good with her peers, but other parents make it clear I'm not welcome and they don't want to spend time with me. We have no family, she has never met her father as he didn't want to know.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for posting on here. I just don't have anywhere else to say these things. It's been years, again probably more than ten by now, since I had a proper conversation with anyone, about anything. In that respect it doesn't matter whether I'm happy, sad, whatever I'm feeling or thinking. Noone knows, noone cares. I don't blame anyone, I know noone owes me anything. I'm just so incredibly sad. I walk past other people every day who have lives, relationships with other human beings. I'm so lonely, so full of pain.

Back when I was younger I probably did have a few opportunities at happiness - in my early twenties. There was a guy who thought the world of me. I think I thought I was better than him, at the time. Maybe that was my chance, but I left him to start a career somewhere else. The career then and now, is the reason I'm not needing anyone to support me physically, financially. But it's the only time I can remember receiving genuine love and care. I can't say it's anyone else's fault I threw that away. I was quite determined back then, to stand on my own two feet after my childhood, where I'd been at the mercy of adults and their messed up relationships.

There, that's it. It just feels very bleak. I also feel like I'm whining, very needy and self centred. I know noone is going to swoop down and help me, and I'm an expert in making the wrong, worst decisions if they did. I don't trust myself, quite the opposite.

Glad you've reached out, as from what you've said, it's not surprising you feel so sad.
It can be lonely bringing up a child on your own, even when you adore them, as you so clearly do and she will adore you too!
Please hold on, one day at a time, you sound like you have so much going for you, even if you don't see it at times.
Try and do some small thing for yourself everyday, there is some joy in life waiting for you inside, you are important and don't forget it. Take good care xx

It's no wonder you're feeling as you do, you've been through so much on your own

When you talk about your DD it reminds me of that saying '...to one person you are the world' it might not feel like it now but you have been an incredible role model to her and set an amazing example, you really should be proud of that.

I'm really no expert but I feel like you need some real life support, I have lonely periods in life and find just a small friendly chat with someone makes such a difference to my mood, but sometimes I have to take myself out of my comfort zone to do that. I'm sure others with more experience, better advice and ideas will be along soon but I couldn't not reply when I read your post.

A nice babysitter once a week or once a fortnight, and a choir or a group or an exercise class - it almost doesn’t matter what it is, just something to do things differently. With others there and a fun or at least different-to-the-norm activity. Do it in a ‘going through the motions’ way if you have to but start doing things a little differently.

There’s something online called an anomalous challenge where for thirty days you do something different every day and that can include walking a slightly different way to work or - whatever, big or small.

I am sending you a lot of love and positive vibes What happened to nice loving man? Where is he now?

Tinytrouble thank you so much for reaching out. I am so emotional reading what you have written because some of it resonates it with so many times I have experienced.

It is such a head fuck when you have to survive for many years without living. It is so hard. Honestly though it does end it does get better.

I have made a promise to myself when I am suicidal to call a suicide hotline from now on. I would love to be a person who doesn’t have this need but that isn’t the way my life has gone. There are times when I simply cannot share with friends because it is beyond their capabilities. I suspect you are in a similar situation. The issues are beyond the stuff other people can handle. That is ok though there are people our there who can handle it. I know it is hard when you feel you cannot express stuff to others but there genuinely are people our there who can listen. Here there are people and there are helplines to help too.

You are worthy you are important and you deserve to find peace please don’t give up on yourself you deserve a good life. You didn’t deserve the shit you were handed.

Dear OP, I'm sorry, your situation sounds really hard. I don't think you're self-centred or that you caused your predicament by rejecting your past boyfriend. Your priorities were different then, that's all. Please do not blame yourself.

Can you afford private counselling? If you find someone you click with, it can be very helpful. It helped me out of a suicidal hole.

Also, do find a babysitter and go out, even if all you do is walk round your town centre feeling weird. Well, spoken as someone who finds walking clears her head..

what I mean is that it may be helpful if you can just feel yourself as an individual, as distinct from a mother. Even if at first that means you feel more clearly how miserable you are, it also gives you a chance to discover what may make you less miserable.

At any rate, you need to find a way to help yourself for your daughter's sake. In a couple short years she will be looking to you for ways to grow into a contented woman, and if you can only model misery for her, it will be trouble for both of you. She may already sense more than she lets on.

Sorry this is all a bit pat and simple and spoken as if I had some sort of authority which I don't. But I genuinely think that if you care for your daughter (and clearly you do) you can and have got to help yourself/get help, even if it is bloody hard, even if you've got no idea where to start.

There has to be something that makes you feel alive. A piece of music, a photograph, a smell, a memory. Something. I'll light a candle for you - no religious meaning implied, just a gesture.

I would echo what @ThreeLocusts has said, please give therapy another, long term, go. The thoughts and feelings you are having are all incredibly understandable and your life reads about like you are the living dead, sorry if that sounds bleak but that was the impression I had as I read your post. The interesting thing that you wrote was that you appear to want someone to step in and rescue you when you are in crisis, as though no one is taking you seriously enough. I hope I have paraphrased that well enough. I can really relate to that if that is the case, and again, this is something you really need to take to a therapeutic space as in essence we need to connect back with ourselves and rescue ourselves. No one can do this work for us. You have managed a life of financial stability and security for yourself and your daughter but emotional stability and security seem to be lacking. I wonder if you are projecting as well when you talk about how other parent's perceive you, and if you give up before relationships can be formed. It is tough out there but we need to be resilient enough to take risks or else we can become socially isolated, as you have discovered. Please reach out and form a strong alliance with a therapist, go for it, what do you have to lose? Take care OP and stay safe. I'm sure you know but you must reach out immediately if you have plans to harm yourself that you intend to carry out

Also, I love Bessel Van De Kolk, he is fab. Have you listened to any Gabor Mate as well? He talks alot about trauma and is so warm.

OP, you sound like a really strong person, to have come through your trauma, built a career, raised your child.
No wonder you feel so alone.

It's easy to see other people and imagine they are all much happier than you, leading more fulfilled lives. Sometimes they are just as miserable.

You've mentioned behaviours that people at work and parents of your dc's friends pick up on. Are these coping strategies that you want to change? If you did, then I think seeking therapy or coaching could be helpful.

Have you been involved in volunteering before? As a single parent with a full-time job, I imagine time is an issue, but as your daughter gets older and more independent you may find yourself more able to volunteer time to a cause. Something like a food bank, where you would meet other people regularly, have a role to fulfill. Doing something practical and something focused on others could help you be less conscious of your own (perceived) shortcomings. And other volunteers tend to be welcoming and accepting people.

Hi I've been debating whether or not to come back on here.

First of all thank you. I've read your posts and really appreciate you posting them, anyone on the internet doesn't owe anything to a complete stranger but you've done more for me in replying than anyone I pass by in real life. I was in a horrible place when I wrote the first post.

I'm back at work after the weekend but needing to pretend I'm completely ok - working remotely on calls keeping my voice steady then just bursting into tears when I come off them, going back and forth like that. It's like leading a double life. I wonder if other people are living like this and they are as good at hiding it and acting. Or is it just me 'surviving without living' and putting on a show. I especially hate Mondays. Everyone else has had a life with other adults to talk to over the weekend and they want to engage in cheery small talk, and I always feel obliged to respond saying what a happy time I've had (they aren't looking for any other response) but its hard. Despite all of that, reading your replies again I feel like I have some support and it is something, and I'm really grateful.

The bit that stuck out was you appear to want someone to step in and rescue you when you are in crisis. Yes probably and that would make sense given some of my history. I don't have any actual people around me so I don't get feedback on how I'm behaving but it seems true. If you can point to any decent resources on this bit I'll use them.

Can I afford private counselling - probably. I'm a bit tight with money which has been useful as a single parent, a saver rather than a spender. But I could probably find it. I was cheated once before, a private therapist got me to pay £150 to sign up to her agency promising I would be allocated someone suitable, then that never happened - she just said the deposit was non refundable and she didn't have anyone I could see. I felt cheated and naive. And worse - I had shared quite a lot with her in the initial appointment about why I wanted to find a therapist. But I recognise that's not the experience everyone has had.

You have achieved a lot OP, you have nurtured and protected your DC for ten years. You are showing her how to survive and thrive. You've held a job down and your coping with issues from childhood that sound like they have scarred and traumatised. You can get past this though. Loneliness can end. Can you call a local helpline and get free help. Perhaps volunteering with your daughter in a charity group would help meet new faces. You're not alone and lots of others feel the same but hide it too. Your life can improve, be kind to yourself in the meantime. Always friends right here too. X

Tiny sorry about you experiences with that therapist. It is worth persevering on that front though. The scale of what you are dealing with is best handled by a professional.

I genuinely hope things get better soon. You deserve so much better. It really isn’t fair.

Hi Tiny, so pleased you’ve posted and reached out about how you are feeling.
I too have gone through lonely phases in life. I don’t have a big family and have very few friends (certainly no best friend), more colleagues and acquaintances. I know what effect this can have on us in life.
You sound a good mum but lack support and understanding from others, so please do look at getting a new therapist. You deserve it.

Thanks for coming back. You had an awful experience with that therapist but I think it’s a great idea to find a decent one and let them help support your recovery. Most therapists do not work like that unscrupulous one and do not take a big deposit. Good luck finding someone who suits you