Feeling like I've lost 'me'

[Hanflower311]

I know I'm probably not the first person to feel like this, but I need an outlet and this forum is all I have.

I'm having one of 'those' days. My 4 month old has slept like trash for the past 3-4 weeks at night and as of today she is napping terribly as well (4x 30 mins is her norm and that's bad enough, today we have had 2x 20 mins and 1 fail). She's teething as well which is causing stress all round.

I already know I have PND, I've spoken to a well-being therapist and am attending webinars. Most days I try to take control of things and I think I do quite well but today I just don't have the energy.

I feel like I've lost everything that makes me, me. My career, my body, my time to do anything I enjoy. Im resentful of my partner who still works and has his nights. I hate not having any real breaks and feeling like Groundhog Day 24/7.

My partner helps with the housework and cooking, he is brilliant. But he isn't great with the baby on his own. Yesterday I went out for an hour to run errands and he ended up calling me to come home as the baby was having a meltdown (she just needed a bottle and a poo but cried so hard she threw up and he got scared).

My mum has her 4 hours a week but I feel like I just get home from dropping her off and I basically have to go and get her again. And she's always overtired when she gets home so it feels like more trouble than it's worth.

Sorry for the rant. I just feel so low and needed to get things off my chest :(

Oh op, it's ok, we all feel like this and that's without the pnd! Your baby is so young so your hormones are still all out of whack...aside from the obvious sleep deprivation, which is a form of torture I might add! I had pnd which was undiagnosed for over a year, you've done the right thing seeking help early on. You're in the thick of it right now but it does get easier I promise you

Sleep should get significantly better as you approach 1 year (many times sooner than that). There is light at the end of the tunnel! In the meantime, can your partner do some nights so you can get more sleep? What happens at the weekend?

Thank you both for your replies.
My partner used to help with the nights when she was small. We stopped because he is dreadful when his sleep is disturbed and I am able to cope with it a lot better than him (believe it or not). It's partly my fault but I've gotten to the point where I don't entirely trust that he can manage with her because on more than one occasion he hasn't been able to cope. And the disappointment of that is worse than the disappointment of feeling like I'm doing everything where she is concerned, so most of the time I just put up with it. It's not as simple as week/weekend because he works most weekends and sometimes up to 7 days in a row plus he works evenings doing a second job on a flexible basis to bring in some extra money for us to buy a house.

I know things will improve and certainly when I go back to work I will have some of 'me' back, but I just feel so stuck, and then I feel guilty for not always appreciating this finite time with her. I love her entirely and she deserves for me to enjoy this time and give her my best self but it's so hard to do all the time

I feel for you op, my dp was god awful when dd was small, he has a lot of mental health issues which were the main reason but really he just didn't know what the hell to do with a baby. No excuses, he was crap and it was so bloody hard. It's relentless and tiring and emotional and honestly where you are right now, the 4 month ish stage, is awful because you've no been sleepless for 4 months apart from anything else. As far as I can tell you're mostly single parenting it with a newborn so please don't be hard on yourself. Your baby is loved, fed and cared for. You feel the guilt because you are a good mum!! You cannot enjoy every moment with your child, it's not possible, it doesn't mean you're a bad mother and it doesn't mean you don't deserve the kids, it means you're normal ...and tired

I'm late to this, OP, but just want to give your weary hand a squeeze.

Wonderful tho it is to have a new baby, the isolation and sleep deprivation are really tough. The most useful advice I was given from a GM of eight - was "When the baby sleeps, you sleep." That is, just grab whatever napping time you can get when baby nods off, even if it happens two hours after your night sleep (if you get any). Forget trying to keep "normal" hours; just sleep when you can. It certainly saved my sanity.

The other thing that helped was accepting that caring for my baby would be my full-time job for a while, that it would probably make me an unsociable weirdo, and that the rest of the world could go to hell. I didn't have family nearby, so just had to suck up the isolation, but I began to enjoy the tranquil routine of napping, playing, reading and going for walks. You will get your career and social life and free time back eventually ... just not right now, in these labour-intensive early months.

Good luck, and I hope you can catch up on your sleep.