Feeling suicidal due to child birth

[Daydreamer56]

I gave birth 4 years ago and have never enjoyed sex again. I didn’t even know this was possible, I also have chronic pain since. I was only 26 when I got pregnant, I cant believe my sex life is over in my 20’s.

I just found out I have muscle avulsion and there is nothing any can do about it. So I am never going to have an orgasm again. Why don’t people tell you this before you give birth?

Now I just don’t see the point in my life

Please speak to some medical professionals in the morning about how you are feeling everything seems worse in the quiet of the night. Sending love OP xx

Definitely advocate for yourself and make sure to get referrred to specialists xxx

Hi @Daydreamer56
I’m nearly 50 and now I’m studying nursing so many of my friends are speaking out about the birth traumas that they have been suffering in silence with for years and years. Please don’t be fobbed off with “There’s nothing we can do.” There almost always is. I’m in Aus, so I found the UK equivalent to the people I have referred my friends to. You should get some informed and empathetic advice from the link below.

www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/#

My doctor said do counselling and take antidepressants.

Tbh I don’t want to take antidepressants for the rest of my life and I can’t imagine living in a world where I don’t enjoy sex.

Ask your GP to refer you to a proper specialist post natal physio therapist. And yourself if you can afford it invest in 1-2-1 pilates sessions with a qualified post partum pilates instructor experienced in working with injuries. It may not be able to be 'fixed' with surgery but the situation can be improved. Pilates is specially designed to strengthen functioning muscles after injury/damage to surrounding ones.

I would worry that anti depressants can dampen sex drive/sexual functioning anyway so may impair your sexual enjoyment further. However on balance they may support you through this rough patch emotionally so maybe take them for 6 months just as a crutch and then wean off them once you're feeling a bit emotionally stronger? You don't have to be on them forever but you do need to give them a chance to work.

Instead of (or as well as) counselling it might be worth finding a decent sex therapist who may help you explore how to develop your sexuality beyond PIV and clitoral stimulation. Although it isn't always talked about there are many people in your situation who will have developed techniques to enjoy a happy sex life.

I'm so sorry though OP. The lack of investment in caring for and treating female bodies in the lead up to, during, and after childbirth is a fucking global disgrace. The way women are expected to just get on with it when they're suffering long term injuries. The lack of research, funding and focus on post partum health and wellbeing. Just terrible. But please please don't give up on yourself or your life x x x x x

It’s been 4 years. Nothing has worked I don’t just have a little tear the whole right side is off the bone and numb. The right side also feels like bone but doctors won’t even tell me whats wrong with me. I paid private in the end but he didn’t given much information.

I am devastated I really didn’t even know this was possible. I think about it all day long because I can feel a piece missing and nothing will change that.

Honestly I will be very upset without piv or an orgasm. Nothing I do works as I have adhd, so I am literally sad all day and all night long. I’ve had loads of medication and counselling over the years I has never worked on me.

I looked it up and suicide rates are high with people like me. I am just so shocked that they don’t do a risk assessment, my mum had a bladder and bowel prolapse, they could have said I was highly likely to get one because of family history and would benefit from a c-section. But no nothing!

Maybe talk to your dr about anti depressants? They often have the desire effect of lowering libido. If you don't have the drive then maybe you will be a bit happier? Or maybe theres some sort of hormonal treatment that could do the same? They will potentially have new treatments that could help in few years.

Theres plenty to life without sex. Lots of people live without it, lots of women live very happily without orgasms their whole life. Try to focus on what you do have- a lovely child

This is why you need to speak to the Birth Trauma Association. They will have much more comprehensive (and empathetic) medical specialists to refer you to.

Sex isn't the same for me either, I don't have the same sensations that I did prior to childbirth where I suffered a tear and penetrative sex is definitely a more sedate experience now Its been 9 years now and I'm still the same. I just wanted to say that I understand how you feel xxx

I have a birth injury, and it is awful how little support there is. I found the experience of the women’s health physio really positive.

Such a different attitude to the gynae and colorectal doctors. They were dismissive, and the male colorectal doctor was a mysogonist.

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I found it overwhelming, but have come to accept things more. Partly by being open about my experience, and using strategies to distract myself.

This website has lots of helpful ideas and eats of managing your thoughts and distress:

www.getselfhelp.co.uk/self-help/

Hi Daydreamer56,

We're sorry you've been through such a traumatic time. We can see that you're getting some good advice and support from other Mumsnetters here on your thread, but we just wanted to point you in the direction of support that's available to you in real life.

Several posters have already mentioned the Birth Trauma Association and we'd really encourage you to get in touch with them. You can email one of their volunteer supporters at [email protected]

There's also information and help available from Mind's website - PTSD and birth trauma - so please click on the link.

If you're feeling very low and need to talk to someone, please contact the Samaritans by calling 116 123, or by emailing [email protected]. You can also ask for help by texting 'SHOUT' to 85258 - Shout's trained volunteers will be able to give you some support - giveusashout.org.

There are other organisation listed in our Mental Health webguide which can give you some support.

We really hope you're able to access the help you need.

I just think it’s cruel we let women go through this and not even warn them about the risks.

I know myself pretty well and I will not be happy without enjoying sex. I’ve cried everyday for 4 years.

I wouldn’t of had a child if I knew of the consequences and everyone I know has had a c-section and they are so happy!

Also women bond with their partners through orgasms so I will never be close to anyone again. It just seems like such a waste of life at 26. I don’t think woman should sacrifice their life for a child. It seems crazy to me not to enjoy your life just because you brought a child into the world.

I actually agree that there isn’t enough informed consent about “Natural” birth. Nobody knows the real statistics of women with birth traumas because so many stay silent. I think all women should be taught to read up on them when they discover that they are pregnant and make up their minds about what kind of birth is best for them and baby after this.