I just want to get some of this down in writing, in the hope that it might clear my head a bit and help me to focus on work. I'm working from home, and it is becoming progressively harder and harder to focus.
I have long term depression, and seem to be referred and re-referred from one mental health agency to another with the process never seeming to get beyond filling in assessment forms, being told about the various therapeutic options, sitting out staff absences, and starting the process again when one staff member leaves and another takes over.
Meanwhile, I am just getting worse. I feel completely hopeless in the face of the cognitive aspects of depression. Endless rumination fracturing my functional thinking, worsening forgetfullness, inability to multi-task even in the simplest way.
Ann emotionally I just feel worn out, zero zero resilience to every possible difficulty or worry or source of anger or resentment. I feel despairing and tearful and furious in my relationship with my husband, and the same feelings are painting themselves onto my reaction to wider world events so that every news item or social media post makes me want to scream or cry.
I'm agitated all the time, always a scream of words in my head. And tunes, too. I can't shift earworms and I grind and clench my teeth to their rhythm.
But at the same time I feel blank, empty, emotionally absent. My son died two years ago and I think I am still pushing it all away. Just sometimes a glimpse comes through and reminds me of the horrors of that. And then I briefly see that the reason for my poor state may be a kind of disassociation. I want to encounter my grief properly. We are still waiting for the inquest and perhaps it will happen then. But I am also hoping for some therapeutice intervention that will help me to do that. Just waiting and waiting for real NHS help though. So far it seems to have just been months and months of circular bureaucracy, all of it costing the NHS time and money, which makes me feel guilty and gives me no benefit.