Ever feel like a hamster on a wheel that someone else is turning far too fast for your legs?

[RedSauceSpaghetti]

I feel like im heading for disaster but there's nothing that can be done to stop it.

My eldest (7) is being assessed for Autism alongside her ADD at the moment. She is incredibly hard work. She's unreliable, scatty and barely independent due to a near complete inability to follow through on anything. She can't get dressed without significant input on our part because she is so easily distracted. She doesn't always understand basic instructions anyway. It's like she's always surrounded by people speaking a second language she barely knows. She is very emotional and generally fairly high needs socially. She can rarely be left to get on with something and actually do what has been asked of her.

DD2 (4) is recovering from a brain tumour. Treatment has left her with mobility issues, incredibly fatigued, and she has regressed emotionally so that she is more akin to a toddler in many ways. She is, understandably, regularly upset or frustrated about her life. She needs near-constant support to do things and due to her fatigue and cognitive issues, she is incredibly emotionally volatile. She doesn't often like to talk when it's not silent around her (and it rarely is) which results in her throwing monumental tantrums (because we aren't all psychic) which are incredibly difficult to manage - and her physical safety is also a concern as she is still healing. She has these tantrums at least once an hour. She flat out refuses to nap despite crippling exhaustion and it makes these issues so much worse (and means I get no break).

On top of that, I have toddler twins (who were not planned - failed vasectomy - we nearly aborted but didn't and I regularly kick myself for that. They were born just before the pandemic, and frankly had I known, there's no way I'd have gone through with the pregnancy because they have added so much extra stress during an incredibly stressful couple of years...I feel awful about this and I would never tell them or treat them differently but it's hard not to think about how life would have been if I hadn't had them). They are 'normal' but they are twins and they are very full on just due to their personalities. DD2 was a lot like them - full throttle until you drop, never doing the same task for more than 5 minutes, very keen to be independent as soon as possible. They're great kids but they're very hard work, even on the rare occasion that it's just me and them. One of them has developed some serious attachment issues as a result of the hospital stays and she literally won't not touch me every hour she's awake. It is stifling and awful and I hate it. It restricts my ability to be able to keep her older sister safe and happy and it smothers me terribly.

We relocated across the country away from all friends and family for my husband's job 2 weeks before DD2 got diagnosed with her tumour. We hadn't even unpacked. We haven't been able to meet people here due to time and energy and logistics constraints, and we have no support otherwise.

I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like I'm failing all the children in various ways. Eldest DD's issues have only really become apparent in the last year or so as she's getting older and being quite this 'ditsy' and 'scatty' is now a problem more than it is just being a bit behind the curve. She's having trouble fitting in at her new school because she is a bit odd. Plus all thats been going on with her sister has had her not really in the mood to make friends too much. I took her away from everyone she knows and then her sister nearly died and came back from hospital an entirely different version of herself... and she had no friends through it. I can barely keep up with her homework and reading requirements and, with her other issues, I feel like I need to do whatever I can to mitigate how much it will affect her - but some days I just can't do it because of what else is going on that day.

Had I known she would have additional needs or that DD2 would have a tumour or that surprise number 3 would also be number 4 or that there'd be a pandemic... obviously I'd never have had all of them because it is literally impossible to do a good job of raising them now. And there's no help. There's no support with any of this and it's not going to get easier any time soon.

I don't even know why I'm writing this post because I'm doing so knowing full well that nobody and nothing can make this better. I guess I just wanted to write it all down and share my misery so that I can go on swallowing it in my real life and keep going a little bit longer in the hope that something changes, even though I know it won't.

That all sounds incredibly stressful. I'm not surprised you feel like you're drowning.
In the short term you need to offload some of the straightforward but time consuming jobs so you can focus your energy and not be spread so thinly. Do you have money you can throw at this problem? Where is your DH in all this? Is he pulling his weight? Would the HCPs surrounding DC2's care be able to find you some respite help?

DH has taken an inordinate amount of time off work (at a new job with a new company) and is working full time now. Our income dropped massively while he was off and we have obliterated savings.

DD2 doesn't qualify for additional help as she is medically sound, so her care is just rehab and it's just how things go after surgery like that. She's actually doing comparably well. There just isn't support available. I've been in touch with charities, health visitor, doctors, her physio and OT team, school...

We've applied for DLA but that's the only support I've found in all of this, and a response isn't due back for another few weeks (and will likely be denied initially so we will have to appeal). But if I'm honest, monetary support will only go so far. What I need is fewer kids or more adults and money won't buy either of those things.

I have been utterly flabbergasted at how we were discharged from hospital and just left to go on with things with a largely paralysed child like it was totally normal. But apparently that's just the way it goes. Makes me pretty angry to be honest but I haven't the time to dwell on it.

Money can absolutely buy more adults: cleaners, gardeners, nannies, mother's help, meal delivery service, nursery/preschool. Someone to supervise the younger DCs whilst you listen to DD1 read (or vice versa) or cook dinner, someone else to hoover and mop etc etc. If money is tight, even a cleaner once a fornight would take some pressure off. It might be worth asking on some of the other boards for help finding anything else you can claim.

It is shocking that DD2 was released back home with so little support in place, although sadly my SIL's experience with her severely autistic son tells me very little is offered without kicking up a fuss. It's awful, as like you, people in this situation have enough on their plate without having to fight for help that should have been offered!

It's great your DH was able to take time off when you first moved, but what is he doing now day to day? Eg my DH works long hours, but still washes up, clears the sides, and shares doing the DCs bedtime each night. He chooses to WFH a couple of days a week, and uses part of his lunchbreak one of those days to do the school pick up as well as hanging up washing etc when he pops down to make a cup of tea. He does 30% of the homework helping and listening to reading, does the DCs' baths, irons the school uniform, and does lots of little random jobs as they're needed eg collecting DD2's new glasses from the shop. We only have 2 DCs and nowhere near the level of DC's needs as you have, but we also have no help and I would be thoroughly broken if he didn't pull his weight when home (I work pt too). Your DH needs to be shouldering some of this load too.

Also, does your DH know just how much you're struggling?

DH does pull his weight outside of work. He starts a little late and finishes early to help with school run and dinner/bedtime and then works into the evening to make it hours. We split various chores like after dinner clean up, tidying the bombsite of the house after they're in bed, taking some of the children over the weekend so each of us gets a sort of half bream with just 1 or 2 each. He also does nights with DD2 (she can't sleep through as a result of surgery) while I do night wakings of any of the others.

We have had many discussions about how exhausted we are but in all honesty it's just upsetting to get into too regularly. We are both just utterly on the edge of what we can cope with. There's absolutely no slack left whatsoever.

We've had a meeting with a benefits consultant who has confirmed that DLA is all we can claim, so we know that's it. We were hoping we might be able to get 2 year old funding for the twins due to exceptional circumstances but that hasn't been possible.

I can't make this any better or lighten your load, but just know that reading this, I just want to send you a huge virtual hug and say you're amazing, and what you are going through is like fighting an enormous Goliath. The positives are that time will mend - the twins will get older and more independent and be able to help you, your second child will hopefully make as near as damn it a decent/good recovery and being armed with more knowledge as to how to help and support your eldest will empower you and guide you better. I'm so sorry the timing has worked out such that you are so isolated. Maybe if you can get the twins into school you can find yourself some gate mates to at least slurp coffee with, and provide distraction or find some therapeutic hobby that you can find a group of like minded people in that you might join - be it knitting, crafting, choir, running I dunno. But every day, whatever shitty stick is coming just remember you are doing the best you can, you are doing brilliantly and what you are doin g is tough big time and so to feel overwhelmed is totally understandable - but you will keep trucking because you have to and because you can. And one day you will feel lucky to have this huge family and all the love and hopefully a big family of local pals to support you soon too.