Friendship breakdown- need a handhold.

[susannag1978]

I've posted a little about this before. My closest friend has a severe mood disorder and has been having one of her worst 'episodes' while I've known her.

She had a nervous breakdown last year and I spent a lot of time and energy supporting her and her DC. I'm a single parent and she had just split from her partner.

In the past couple of months she's started to distance from me. She won't explain why. She won't meet up, she won't talk on the phone but when I've asked if she still wants to be my friend she insists that she does.

With her mood swings, she has lashed out at me a few times and her paranoia has her accusing me of doing silly things that I definitely haven't. She told me she was cancelling all of our upcoming plans and wanted her money back despite them being non refundable.

I decided to give her some space and she blocked me on all social media and told me to only contact her by WhatsApp. Communication has been sporadic but I told her a few days ago I had managed to obtain a refund for one of our events and she replied a couple of days later 'thanks for sorting that x'. I took this as a positive.

Last night I noticed her DD (teenage) has blocked me from all social media. I don't have a clue what she's been told about me.

This morning I sent her the refund and a quick WhatsApp message to say that I'd sent her across £120. The two blue ticks appeared and then her profile picture vanished. She's blocked me. She was waiting for me to send the money before she could cut the final tie.

I'm devastated. We were so close. I don't understand what has happened. We were a good support to each other during the pandemic and she was a kind, generous and gentle soul.

It's easy to say 'better off without' but I'm taking this harder than the split with my child's father. At least that was mutual and we discussed it. I'm driving myself crazy wondering what I've 'done wrong'.

It is awful, losing a friendship like this. I think you have to chalk it up to her mood disorder and decide whether or not you can handle the swings when she gets back in touch, which I'm sure she will. You haven't done anything wrong. You know you haven't.

I think all you can do is treat it like a devastating breakup: wine and crying for a defined period (2 days maybe) and then pull out the arrow in your heart and try to carry on. I'm so sorry though, it is horrible.

Surely it’s clear you’ve done nothing wrong, OP. Your friend has extremely poor MH, which has caused her to behave erratically. Unfortunately your friendship was one of the casualties.

I think you may have posted about this recently as it sounds very familiar. Unfortunately it's one of those cases where you have to try not to take it personally. Try to accept that the friendship is over, there's nothing you could have done that would have changed the outcome. It might be best to block her and her family so that your not dragged back into the mess.

You're

It sounds really tough for uou. But it also sounds like you gave her a lot of time and energy over the last few years. If she can't appreciate that and won't discuss it you are better off without her. You supported her, you arranged the activities etc etc As PP said, take some time to mourn then put your energy into positive things that will benefit you.

@APineForestInWinter

I think you may have posted about this recently as it sounds very familiar. Unfortunately it's one of those cases where you have to try not to take it personally. Try to accept that the friendship is over, there's nothing you could have done that would have changed the outcome. It might be best to block her and her family so that your not dragged back into the mess.

I have. It's kind of been all consuming.

She told me when she was in one of her erratic moods that she has never in her life fallen out with a friend (implying that I am basically the devil to cause her to have to block me)

It's the blocking I'm finding so difficult. It's so childish and feels so permanent. I can understand 'I need some space while going through a difficult time'. And I was giving her that.

I had a friend end our friendship and refuse to discuss why or give me any 'right of reply' (for want of a better term).

It wasn't even that close a friendship, but I remain surprised at how hard it hit me. It was not knowing why, and having no closure or resolution that made it so hard, psychologically. I could live without her friendship, but knowing she was angry, but not why, and knowing there must be some misunderstanding that I couldn't put right, was awful.

I still feel damaged by it years later. But in your friend's case, I think it's clearly part of her mental health issues, so though it's far easier said than done, I think you have to chalk it up to that, and not give the sort if time that I did, into wondering what you did wrong.

@saraclara

I had a friend end our friendship and refuse to discuss why or give me any 'right of reply' (for want of a better term).

It wasn't even that close a friendship, but I remain surprised at how hard it hit me. It was not knowing why, and having no closure or resolution that made it so hard, psychologically. I could live without her friendship, but knowing she was angry, but not why, and knowing there must be some misunderstanding that I couldn't put right, was awful.

I still feel damaged by it years later. But in your friend's case, I think it's clearly part of her mental health issues, so though it's far easier said than done, I think you have to chalk it up to that, and not give the sort if time that I did, into wondering what you did wrong.

Yes the right of reply thing is what's really bothering me. She's accusing me of things like telling people to block her on social media which I haven't and when I lay out my argument of "why would I?" she just blanks it. She's in complete control of the conversation and all communication.

Yes the right of reply thing is what's really bothering me. She's accusing me of things like telling people to block her on social media which I haven't and when I lay out my argument of "why would I?" she just blanks it. She's in complete control of the conversation and all communication.

It says a lot about me, I’m afraid, that I would very quickly turn from soul-searching and wanting to know how to put things right, to getting really pissed off and angry that someone was unjustifiably treating me this way. Mh issues shouldn’t be a free pass to treat friends like dirt.

In your shoes, I absolutely know that I would harden my heart, chalk it up to experience (and to the fallout from her poor mh), do a retaliatory block, and tell myself to move on. I have done that before in different circumstances where I’ve been dropped like a stone because my dc no longer wanted to hang out with their dc (no nastiness, just a reluctance to fall in with joint arrangements any more) and it does hurt.

Maybe taking back a bit of control might help? At the moment you must feel like the good-heartedness with which you have approached this friendship is being trampled over.

Yes, I feel extremely out of control. I have put a lot down to her mental health issues and have let her take the lead and have some space. The blocking has utterly floored me and I'm taking it really badly. I feel like blocking her back makes little sense as she's already blocked me so that I can't see any of her profiles/messages.

I’m assuming that you blocking her would only have an effect if she decided to unblock you? Your way of saying two can play at that game. Idk enough about social media. You might, of course, be hoping she does exactly that, with her expecting you to come running. That’s what would get me.

I do remember, after a period of baffled hurt when it happened to me, I very swiftly got round to thinking ‘right, you’re not going to mess with me again, ever’ and, in effect, deleted them out of my life (in the absence of social media). As I say, it says a lot about how I react to being unjustly slighted

It’s admirable to rise above it and be the better person, but that leaves you open to being buffeted by other peoples unpredictable behaviour. Do you have any mutual friends who might be able to shed some light on how the situation has developed?

@HunkyPunk

I’m assuming that you blocking her would only have an effect if she decided to unblock you? Your way of saying two can play at that game. Idk enough about social media. You might, of course, be hoping she does exactly that, with her expecting you to come running. That’s what would get me.

I do remember, after a period of baffled hurt when it happened to me, I very swiftly got round to thinking ‘right, you’re not going to mess with me again, ever’ and, in effect, deleted them out of my life (in the absence of social media). As I say, it says a lot about how I react to being unjustly slighted

It’s admirable to rise above it and be the better person, but that leaves you open to being buffeted by other peoples unpredictable behaviour. Do you have any mutual friends who might be able to shed some light on how the situation has developed?

So our 'mutual' friends are ones of mine she's met in a work capacity. she's followed them on social media but when I was unwell a couple of weeks ago one of them messaged her (as my closest friend) to ask how I was and she didn't appreciate being contacted at all. So nobody is close enough to ask her what's going on.

A few people have said to me 'this might be temporary and she might unblock you in a few days' which, while I'd appreciate an apology/explanation I just dont think any of this is how you treat a friend even if you're feeling unwell. I was giving her space.

A quick example. A few months ago on a Sunday I asked how she was feeling about the work week ahead and she said she wasn't working, she had cancelled all her appointments and was leaving her job. She has no savings and is a single parent. I asked if she needed me to take time off and come over and was she struggling. No response. Messaged on the Monday, nothing. Tried again on Tuesday and met a friend for dinner. Messaged again on Wednesday and when she finally replied saying everything was fine and she was back in work, I told her I had been so worried 'I see you were so worried you managed to go out for dinner'.

I understand she's unwell and I care for her deeply but she does bring a lot of stress to my life and I don't think she can see how her behaviour sometimes comes across.

Hi Susan
It is easy to see that you are so kind and reasonable and all l can say is that lady does not deserve you as a friend. All that blocking and l think mind games she is playing.
Sometimes hard as it is we have to think of ourselves. Be brave and detach slowly from her. Your new mantra is "never chase after a friend or a bus because there is always another one coming along".
Take care xx