Is this anxiety?

[WestEndGirl222]

Bit of background - I have 2 children, one is 7 and the other 5. When the first was born, looking back, I wasn't quite right but it passed and things were ok. When my second was born, I found having a 2 year old and newborn quite hard and was struggling to cope. I had a short fuse with my Husband, was quite irrational, couldn't sleep properly (kids were both good sleepers so not due to that - more that I would wake and worry/overthink) and experienced what I would describe as intrusive thoughts i.e. I'd be driving the car and picture it crashing and the children then dead in the back (really horrible and scary at the time). I felt I wasn't good enough and that my kids didn't love me (I still feel I'm not good enough but can now see they definitely love me). I had one extra visit with my health visitor as I'd said I was struggling a bit and had to do a quiz about how I was feeling - she suggested 'I had a bit of anxiety going on' and gave me some leaflets. She then left her job and I never saw her or any other HV at my home again. The leaflets were all to do with CBT therapy at a centre about 1 hour away - it was group therapy (not for me at all) and trying to fit in going there would have made me more stressed, so I never went. Private therapy was mentioned but I was on mat pay so couldn't afford it at the time. Anyway, things slowly got better over time and the 'anxiety' got better and episodes became less and less, only popping up sometimes when I was quite stressed.

Cut to now, 5 years later, I'd not experienced anything for some time, but had started to have sleepless nights again - regularly waking at 3 or 4 a.m. and overthinking/being irrational about i.e. something that happened that day. This was all before Christmas and I put it down to work being a bit more stressful.

As we got closer to Christmas and my to do list was growing, I started to get a few intrusive thoughts again and also what I think is paranoia - I've started to believe my friends don't really like me or I'll be worrying about something I said and if that could have upset anyone etc. I was quite stressed and taking it out on my Husband, snapping at him. Generally feeling a bit like I was losing the plot. We went away for a few days after Christmas which added to the stress with all the planning/packing, right after doing everything for Christmas and hosting it. I don't know if I was just tired but one night we were walking back from dinner and past the lake - the kids were looking at some festive lights and I just stood there thinking how peaceful the lake was and that I could just walk in to it and slip away under the water, make it all stop. It really scared me. I don't feel suicidal and haven't felt like it since, the thought of dying early and leaving the kids without their Mum actually terrifies me. Things have got a bit better now I am less stressed.

Sorry for waffling! I just wanted to know if this is anxiety or something else? I feel like it's stress induced anxiety, but I've never seen a doctor or had an official diagnosis other than what that HV said years ago. I hate that it comes back every now and then and wonder if it will ever stop.

You are anxious and you need some help. Can you afford therapy now? I don't care much for CBT but general counselling can be very beneficial. This won't last forever but needs to be dealt with now and you can learn strategies to head off anxiety and intrusive thoughts in future

Good luck.

Hi @WestEndGirl222,

Yes that does sound like anxiety and I really feel for you, intrusive thoughts can be so distressing and it sounds like your mind was looking for some relief when you were looking at the lake which is totally understandable and different from intending to do something like that.

You can speak to your GP and will likely get a referral for therapy or antidepressants but you also need to take care of yourself and prioritise your health. I would see those anxious thoughts and feelings as signs that your body and mind are in overdrive (not surprising after the situation in the last couple of years). You can learn techniques to manage it but honestly you sound like you need a break if that's possible?

I should also add that we do have quite busy lives (as do many people in the same situation) - I work full time hours across 4 days a week and we do a lot with the kids and also have a dog - when work gets busy, I can feel quite overwhelmed and stressed, which kicks off the 'anxiety' and I feel as though I'm 'out of control' of everything.

I also have become quite adverse to loud noises. I also can't sit and relax until I feel all my 'jobs' are done. I'm quite particular about things being in the proper place etc, but I've always been a bit like that.

My parents split when I was a toddler and Dad was absent - before he left I witnessed abuse towards my Mother as he was an alcoholic. I then had a step-dad who was abusive to both me and my Mum - he hit me across the face many times - I was aged 6 - 10. Also had an emotionally abusive boyfriend when aged 17 - 20. Not sure if any of this is relevant but could this be some of the cause? I constantly don't feel good enough as a wife/mother/friend and have 'imposter syndrome' at work.

@blyn72 Thank you for reading and replying. Yes I think I could but I don't know how much it is or even where to start looking. I just feel so down that it's come back again and I feel weak that I can't cope - other people seem to manage and cope with much more.

@rainbowninja Thank you for reading and replying. The thoughts are not nice but thankfully rare - I can talk/rationalise with myself to stop thinking like it. That's summed it up quite nicely - it was a relief thing, definitely not a suicidal thing. I definitely feel better when I get out and see friends etc - it's a break from everything - and thankfully I can do that often. I'd love to quit my job and remove that stress, I feel things would be so much better, but I don't really want to lose my income as I have a good salary & benefits and would probably be bored in the long run. I'd love to do regular exercise but it's fitting it in. I feel guilty for seeing the GP, especially at the moment with Covid, like I'm wasting their precious time.

Yes it sounds like anxiety.

I've started to believe my friends don't really like me or I'll be worrying about something I said and if that could have upset anyone etc.

I get like this and it's awful.

With the fantasy about stepping into the lake, I remember saying to my psychiatrist that I didn't want to end my life but I definitely often felt I'd rather be dead than alive in general. She took it seriously that I was feeling that way.

See the GP!! Discuss medication options. I don't mean to be rude but I don't understand the worry I see from posters here over wasting GPs' time, even during Covid. They're there to improve your health and you deserve that service because you're not well

@LaurensILikeYouALot Thanks for replying.

It's horrible isn't it - I feel like the 'forgettable friend' as in they wouldn't really care if I wasn't there, although I can't say why I feel that way - they've not done/said anything.

I don't even feel I'd rather be dead - I think it was more I just wanted some relief. I'm constantly worried I'm doing the wrong thing with the kids and sometimes think everyone would be better off if I wasn't here, but I know that's not true and my Husband and kids would be devastated.

Yes very true! I don't know why I feel guilty about it, it's what they are there for after all.

So going to the GP would be the first step then? Not seeking private therapy? I'd really rather avoid medication if possible.

Hi @WestEndGirl222, you could definitely seek therapy privately if that's your preference. Lots of them are available online now too so should be plenty of choice. You can normally have an initial chat with someone for free to see if you are a good 'fit'.

IEMT can be helpful for managing the underlying emotions like this