Letting go of negative thoughts

[courtrai]

By background I've a history of generalised anxiety and am a chronic over thinker.

A friend of my ex husband has recently messaged me some hateful and barbed comments about me, my former marriage and the children from that marriage. The man in question has a history or alcohol and drug abuse (spent 6m last year in hospital due to this), he's never held down a job or relationship and is financially supported by his parents. I have resisted biting back and have blocked him from future contact.

The rational side of my brain knows his comments are meaningless and I shouldn't give a flying f*ck but I keep overplaying them. This is a theme that has run throughout my life in fixating in negative thoughts. I've tried mindfulness and NLP before but is there anything else - a practice or theory or something that I can use to break this negative and self destructive cycle.

Hi, gosh he sounds like a gem. I also tend to dwell and obsess on what others have said and worry what they think. I have also had no luck in 'getting rid' of those thoughts but I do try and observe the thoughts and try and make sure I stick to the facts (that's just his opinion, he doesn't really know me etc) and I try and value my own opinion over someone else's. That's hard to do but until we release the idea that someone else (no matter who they are) holds our worth in their hands then we are doomed to repeat this. When the thoughts come try and let them pass on by without sticking. It may be worth speaking to a counsellor to try and process what is happening for you. Take care.

Thank you for reply; my thought processes are thoroughly skewed. I do wonder if doing a total withdrawal from social media would be helpful for someone of my mindset. If you don't see these people or comments then that takes away a significant risk of being hurt by them

It's alright, you are not alone in that, we all have thought processes that take us away to random places. So it's important to begin by dialling down any self judgement. Did he say this stuff about you on social media? No wonder you are feeling wobbly if so. It is just his opinion. He doesn't know anything about you, he sounds angry and bitter. Try not to meet him at his level.

What a dick he is. Logically, people like this only do this to make themselves feel better, and it has little to nothing to do with you. Emotionally though, it bloody hurts doesn't it. I have been through similar with my gem of an ex-MIL, and her daughter. I went round and round in my head trying to rationalise it, trying to play out scenarios where I get to say my piece back, trying to work though it, but it just ends up being a cycle of repetative dark thoughts.

Now, when something like this happens, I book a bit of time in to properly think it through, once. When I'm done, I actively choose to make my peace with it, not because it's ok, but because there's nothing I need to do that's actually worth doing. (eg, MIL would never believe the truth even if it bit her on the nose, so there's not point trying to tell her. She can't spread any more lies without legal rammifications, so nothing for me to gain here) My time is better spent elsewhere. Then I refuse to think about it again, and replace the thoughts. Replacing is important, I can't stop thoughts, but I can push them out of the spotlight. If it pops into my head, I'll sort of go "Oh no, we're done with that shite, now, where did I get to with the meal planner / how long till that gig I'm going to / let's plan the new bathroom"

It takes a bit of practice, but I get faster at catching them, and better at redirecting the more I do it. The more I do, the less anvious I am, the less the dark thoughts start up.

I think that's key - gate keeping them before you actually even allow them into your consciousness. I just need to practice. That and stay away from idiots