Hi everybody,
This is my first post, however, I have been reading everybody else's topics a lot over the past few weeks since I have been diagnosed with PND.
I have a 2 month year old who is an absolute dream of a baby, a loving husband albeit away quite a lot with work, no financial worries, nice friends especially new mommies. There really shouldn't be any reason for this to happen except for the fact that I had a difficult birth resulting in a caesarian and my baby refused to breastfeed, something I had my heart really set on. Unfortunately, I am an all or nothing person so I didn't dry my milk gradually which resulted in an enormous hormonal upheaval. Also, I experienced a couple of months of depression last year after two of my friends died which I suppose could be a contributary factor.
On the bad days I feel like I can't wait for the day to end and I don't want the next one to begin the same way. Feelings of guilt towards my baby and my husband because I have lost the confidence to be a good mother. It's the one thing in life I wanted to be good at being seeing as my own childhood was a disgrace.
I cry almost constantly on those bad days and repeatedly tell my baby I am sorry she hasn't got a happier mother. There is no doubt in my mind that I wanted her and love her but I now wish it would all go away including her. It's a type of anguish and helplessness I have never felt before.
I worry that when my husband is away, I will break down to such an extent that I won't be able to look after my baby. We even had my mother in law to stay for a couple of weeks all the way from Italy because we don't have any family here anymore. I have never had a fear of being on my own before.
I am lucky to have a very supportive health visitor and GP, who has prescribed Citalopram and has written to my husband's company to advise that he only be away a maximum of 2 to 3 nights. However, it seems to have fallen on deaf ears as he has 8 days away in one stint in January. I have been taking 20 mg of Citalopram for the past three weeks but I still get what I call 'my episodes' when everything is the end of the world. I always thought it was mental but then, why do I feel completely normal somedays then all of a sudden I go downhill? The change is frightening almost like being on a rollercoaster.
Has anything else worked for anybody apart from medication?
I feel like I am falling to pieces and have no control over it. I really don't want my baby to suffer for it.
I would really appreciate some advice.