Does anyone else struggle with this? My mind is anxious and I'm aware of the crawling physical sensation of agitation, of growing panic within me. I can feel the compulsion to drive that energy away in a negative way because it is what I know. The urge to self harm via diet, via exercise, via cutting, via making crap decisions is strong, not taking the AD's, stop eating, stop engaging is strong. And I'm trying hard to fight it and figure out why this doesn't motivate me to be kinder to myself, to take better care to follow the advice, to use the tools I'm trying to learn to cope etc. What is the pay off to being self destructive,what is the attraction? Self punishment is one, a feeling that I don't deserve for things to be ok and yet ironically all that does is destroy the people I so want to be ok who I want to experience happiness, fulfilment, stability, calm all the things I find difficult? Is it to re affirm that I was an idiot to believe things can get better? Is it because a part of me doesn't want to and thinks that the idea of being ok is almost more frightening than not being - is that because I associate it with being left alone with people forgetting me because they think I don't need them or because I'm terrified of how much harder it is to screw up from being ok as everyone's hopes that the new beginnings the up turn are dashed so better not to raise false hope? Or is it because I don't believe I can face the responsibility that comes of being ok? But not being ok makes things so much worse, I can 't afford not to be, it will ruin my little chidren's lives, I'll end up in hospital or making a mess of my work and then won't have an income stream, bills are rising and things will only get harder not better? So why with all that knowledge do I have the desperate urge to flee from myself? I feel like I'm allergic to myself. And I feel like two people, the externally presented me that is smiling and supporting and cooking and cleaning and shopping and driving children around, pushing on the swings, whooping at the first rugby try, chatting with mums as if I'm just like them when internal me is so the opposite, the internal dialogue telling me how different I am to them how inferior I am to everyone and I stop being able to really be present and take in the joy such is the dominance of the panicking me that is saying you can't do this, you can't, they can all see it. It all goes on this negative self talk whilst I'm standing there cheering the Lego tower, signing the school slips and grinning at the school gate. I've stopped sleeping yet am absolutely wired through the night almost as if it is just when I'm going to bed that my body decides it could achieve so much more comfort in doing than in lying there fretting and feeling the squirts of anxiety. I'm not sure what I'm saying really, I'm guess I'm thinking out loud in the hope that someone on here might relate to this and have been through this and come out the other side or figured it out? I feel vulnerable, I feel incompetent and I feel like I am on the cusp of another fall from grace and as if its pointless trying to stop this run away train from gaining traction.