Partner of 7 years Depressed.Raising my sisters with me. Help and Advice please!

[DaniWho]

As of 2020 my partner (M24) and I (F23) started raising my two sisters (10 and 12 now). They are wonderful girls with hearts of gold but my Mothers abuse has got in too deep. The children do not listen to us and it is cauing my boyfriend in particular to feel unappricated, hopeless and like a spare part. I understand most of you will put this down to them being children (which i would understand) it means that we are constantly stressed. At times these girls can be so rude and hurtful! Currently the main issue we have at the moment is them not listening.

My parter opened up to me. He said he feels worthless, stressed and as though he might as well not be here. I just want to help him, I want him to feel appriciated, loved and supported. I just dont know how to do this.

I asked him how i could help. He told me that I am also guilty of not listening to him and that he feels like a paycheck. He just wants to be listened to. This hurt of course but i understand what he meant. It breaks my heart to know he feels this way. He has stayed with me through this transition and didnt bat an eye when the decision to raise my sisters came up. I love this man with everything i have and i dont know how to show him this.

Being listened to by children isnt as easy as saying "hey listen to me" so i need advice, how can we get the children to show they are listening to him and doing as he says. On my part i will be more attentive, which is hard as i think i have ADHD (gears are in motion to be tested).

It breaks my heart to know he is suffering and is really low at the moment. Advice please.

Can you get some professional advice and support through social services - by the time kids are 10 and 12 you are not easily going to change their behaviour. Also school might help.

Are you in an official fostering capacity? If so what support can SS offer? Are they , and you, receiving any counselling? It seems a big ask to expect your dp to take on a parenting role so young and in difficult circumstances.

Those ages tend to be challenging anyway, OP, but the likelihood is that as puberty approaches and hormones flood in, that behaviour is going to get even more challenging than it is now.

Sounds like you need professional support here. It's a huge responsibility for you both at a young age. And maybe a talk to both the girls in that their behaviour can't carry on like this........... you say the abuse from your mother runs deep in them, but they may need to have their eyes opened that you don't actually have to do this for them?

This does not sound at all like a mental health problem on the part of your OH. (Not sure if that is what your title meant). He is entirely reasonably fed up because he is in a situation where he is bringing up 2 unrelated children whose experience of life will inevitably have left them with attachment and other problems. Children like this can be hugely challenging, and it is likely to get worse as they approach their teens. You cannot help but be very tied up with demanding children in the house, so his feeling of being side-lined is likely to be realistic. Both he and you are very young to be dealing with this - these children are too old to be biological children and you are both very young to be taking this on.

You need some help here and Social Services might be the route to go. I assume they are already involved or were at the beginning of the placement. You both need some sort of respite to have time for each other.

Taking the children on is a selfless act, for which I applaud you; but they are not his relatives and the challenges they present are not his problem. He is bound to relate to them differently from you.

It sounds to me like what you need is:

Some therapy just for the adults AND some support to learn about parenting children havd been through abuse/trauma.

FGS do not take the advice above that maybe the kids need to know that you don’t actually have to do this!

How have you ended up here? Is this a private arrangement or did your sisters come to you via the LA? If yes, are they supporting you or did they dump the girls and fuck off because you’re family (wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest)

I have known adoption placements of traumatized children where SS just dumped them and ran, leaving the parents to try and be professional psychotherapists for the children.

Hopefully things have moved on - this was about 10 years ago.

I do think OP needs to go back to SSD and ask for some support.

Does HomeStart still operate where you live? Might be a good place to start. Best of luck, you're doing an amazing thing.

That an awful lot for anyone to cope with (along with COVID). Do you think he wants to leave?
Looking after two unrelated older children at 24 is obviously not how most people think things will turn out.
What's your housing sitting and work situation?

Thank you all for your replies. I'll try to reply with all which has been asked above.

We did have SS involved at the start but as soon as we received the child arrangement order through the family court they stayed around for a while and then left. Didn't feel like they did all that much tbh.

My partner is a wonderful, kind and patient man and I cannot even begin to give him enough credit for voluntary taking on two children unrelated to him.

we have recently had Early help involved and are waiting for children to receive counselling of their own. I have completed many courses over the past couple of years and aim to do more. Partner works full time, so what I learn in the courses I relay to him.

It is so hard, We have widened our net recently and hope that my other sisters (aged 18 and 19) can babysit, even for a couple of hours so I and him could just go and get a drink. We also have support from his family and my uncle.

It is hard, even though we have a huge amount of support from these people it doesn't take away the fact that we are caring for difficult children 24 7. We love them and don't want to grow up resenting them, or have them resenting us even for being stressed.

To address another point, the children are aware that if we hadn't started caring for them then they would have ended up in care. It was something that was addressed when we had SS involved and needed them to understand from our POV a little. But at no point would I want them to feel like they owed us something, we volunteered after Mum ran away with her partner that night.

It is just so hard, he is so tired, I am so tired and it feels so thankless. But I will give it time for their counselling to start and play therapy and see if anything comes of that. They are very clever girls and mean well but that doesn't make it easier. I do think contacting Early Help will be a good place to turn again, I still have contact with our last lady so I think I will look into that again.

He doesn't want to leave, but he feels like his presence here and what he brings to the family is useless. I can see why he feels that way. I want him to feel wanted and loved and appreciated, not certain how to do this.

@LetsGoParty

That an awful lot for anyone to cope with (along with COVID). Do you think he wants to leave? Looking after two unrelated older children at 24 is obviously not how most people think things will turn out. What's your housing sitting and work situation?

He works full time and I stopped working in 2021 due to an issue at work. While sterotypical, he works and I look after the house. I am ok to do this. We claim benefits that we are allowed to with his wages and at the moment it is very tight as I am re applying for DLA for the eldest and that recently stopped as I didn't understand the paperwork and missed the deadline. I now have help for this so hoping it helps this time.

Now the next part isn't great, but we moved into my Mums old house and got it put into our name (well my name as the council wouldn't add him on) We split bills down the middle and everything else that we can but at the moment we are struggling financially.

I answered your question about him leaving in my other reply as i didn't know i would quote at that time.

What would your partner like to happen op? Have you asked him how he'd like to handle this situation?

Can the girls at least stay with another family member every other weekend or so so your DP gets a break?

Are you able to return to work soon?

Hi op,
What lucky girls to have a sister like you and your lovely partner. I couldn't imagine taking on such responsibles at your age, you are a deeply loving and caring person to have done so, as is your partner.
Now I can only offer a bit of advice from my then situation.
My grandchildren came to live with me at the ages of 4 and 7, both parents had addictions. It was hard at times, they resented being taken away, their behaviour when they reached teenagers was to put it mildly challenging. I know my girls were alot younger than your sisters , but the thing I stuck to through out and told them often ,was do not let your past define you . You can be and do anything ,your past is done it doesn't have to follow you. Now this sounds simplistic, they have had help with counseling,but I wanted them to be their own women ,to know their parents problems had nothing to do with them. You have a long road ahead of you I wish you love and courage x

@moomee12

What would your partner like to happen op? Have you asked him how he'd like to handle this situation?

Can the girls at least stay with another family member every other weekend or so so your DP gets a break?

Are you able to return to work soon?

I asked him, and all he could say was that he didn't know. I don't know either. It was causing a little tension I think as i was asking what I could do to help and all I was getting was "I don't know" and it was frustrating as I want nothing more than to be able to help. When I told him how frustrating it was he explained he understood what I was trying to do for him but he didn't know what to do.

We don't have that opportunity no, but we have had chances to go away for a night and that was lovely, but I dont want to rely on anyone else for a planned weekend as you say, because that is what Mum did before she ran off and at the time it was putting a lot of pressure on us at the time (little did me know then that that was just the tip of the iceberg)

I could physically go to work but I am needed here at home.

@Pointynoseowner

Hi op, What lucky girls to have a sister like you and your lovely partner. I couldn't imagine taking on such responsibles at your age, you are a deeply loving and caring person to have done so, as is your partner. Now I can only offer a bit of advice from my then situation. My grandchildren came to live with me at the ages of 4 and 7, both parents had addictions. It was hard at times, they resented being taken away, their behaviour when they reached teenagers was to put it mildly challenging. I know my girls were alot younger than your sisters , but the thing I stuck to through out and told them often ,was do not let your past define you . You can be and do anything ,your past is done it doesn't have to follow you. Now this sounds simplistic, they have had help with counseling,but I wanted them to be their own women ,to know their parents problems had nothing to do with them. You have a long road ahead of you I wish you love and courage x

Thank you so much for saying that, it truly means a lot!

I take my hat off to you also for taking on your grandchildren, I'm sure they appreciate it

You and your partner are doing an amazing thing, and a really hard thing.

I woukd agree with other posters and go back to Soc Services for more support.

I would also ask your other family members to step.

It's too much for you and partner 24/7. You both need time off from this parenting role, both individually and as a couple. How nearby are your other sisters and uncle? I don't think it's unreasonable to ask them to babysit two evenings a week and take turns to have the children for one day each weekend.

Home Start may also be able to help.

Very best wishes

Definalty all these replies need to be considered, I have sent this thread to partner so we can review it all and make sense of it all haha!

Thank you. Not sure I know what Homestart is, so will have to do some googling!

Not that I want to put you off posting, but there is an adoption board here where I think you'll be able to reach lots of lovely people who have direct experience of what you're going through.

I wouldn't characterise any of this as your DP having a 'problem' - I think it's a perfectly valid response to a difficult situation. The girls will absolutely be acting out, put hormones into the mix and it's going to be hard.

I would definitely get back in touch with your social worker to see what services and support is available. My friend used to do respite care for a family in similar circumstances. You both also need a hobby of some sort, even if it's just going to the local swimming baths for a swim once a week. You need time to decompress, even if it's not together.

@MaChienEstUnDick

Not that I want to put you off posting, but there is an adoption board here where I think you'll be able to reach lots of lovely people who have direct experience of what you're going through.

I wouldn't characterise any of this as your DP having a 'problem' - I think it's a perfectly valid response to a difficult situation. The girls will absolutely be acting out, put hormones into the mix and it's going to be hard.

I would definitely get back in touch with your social worker to see what services and support is available. My friend used to do respite care for a family in similar circumstances. You both also need a hobby of some sort, even if it's just going to the local swimming baths for a swim once a week. You need time to decompress, even if it's not together.

You havnt put me off at all! Thank you, I didn't know where to post so that is really helpful thank you

This is the link to Home Start: www.home-start.org.uk/

It sounds as if there are some family members around who are willing to help out to give you both a chance to have some time together. My advice to you would be to hoover it up and take every bit of help you can get!!

Well done for taking this on - lots of good luck.

Ah, so SS fucked off PDQ - sadly not surprising.

I wouldn’t rely on them to give much support, or if they do it will be minimal.

You sound like you’re doing everything you can. Have you thought about buying in respite and additional support?

I think you should tell your partner that it's ok if he wants to leave. He didn't sign up for this, and at his age the stress has got to be overwhelming. I feel horribly sad for him and you. If he needs to extradite himself from this, let him.

@Aquamarine1029

I think you should tell your partner that it's ok if he wants to leave. He didn't sign up for this, and at his age the stress has got to be overwhelming. I feel horribly sad for him and you. If he needs to extradite himself from this, let him.

I agree actually. I would tell him that he is free to leave if this is all too much.

You both sound like lovely kind people, but this could just be far too much for him.

I would give him the opportunity to leave with no hard feelings.