SIL's health anxiety

[AnnieAmelia]

SIL has a long history of health anxiety and Covid has pushed it through the roof. It's dominating her life.

The problem is that she's getting very anxious about what other family members are doing and asking them to modify their behaviour. We are modifying some things, and lying / not telling her about others.

She's now wanting to control my mother (her MIL)'s contact with her grandchildren.

She has risk assessed her own mother's contact with grandchildren and is happy for her mother to see her grandchildren, but wants to reduce my mother's contact with her grandchildren.

My mother is unhappy but SIL has been so distressed lately that she doesn't want to risk exacerbating things.

Mostly it seems to be about control - she's happy to meet her friends in Cafe A (because she's risk assessed it) but doesn't want other people meeting their friends in other Cafe B or C which she hasn't risk assessed.

Her own social life isn't reduced (because she risk-assesses) but she wants other people to reduce their social life.

An example of something we've kept quiet is that DH and I attended a funeral. It was in a large church, there was social distancing, everyone did a LFT first, everyone had to sign in for tracing, everyone was masked. But SIL doesn't think anyone should be attending funerals. So we have pretended we didn't go.

While we were at the funeral she was shopping in a shopping mall, which she had risk assessed as safe. It makes no sense that a socially distanced funeral is most risky than spending a couple of hours in a shopping mall, but SIL isn't making sense.

My mother is upset, but feels she has to comply in case my SIL's mental health worsens.

Does anyone have any experience of this sort of situation?

so long as everyone is agreeing with her, and she is the centre of attention, she can be brilliant company
Sounds more controlling than anxiety, why is anyone pandering to this?
She's in and out of coffee shops but thinks she can dictate what other adults do, your brother needs to knock this on the head.

So your mother can see SILs children or your daughter and has chosen SILs children?

I'm not surprised your daughter is upset, I would be too.

Mum is seeing my children, but SIL is trying to put some restrictions on. She hasn't "chosen SIL kids over mine", she's just trying not to rock the boat with SIL. All the kids are over 18, and mostly keep in touch by phone / facetime anyway.

We have another sister who lives several hours away. She's been to visit Mum twice since lockdown lifted. The first time SIL wouldn't allow DB to see her but he was allowed to see her the second time. Dsis is planning another visit with her kids at Easter, and I think SIL is getting antsy about this. Nothing definite but she's said some things about reducing risk. I think she's worried about a possible large family get-together.

As to "why is anyone pandering to this?" she is genuinely mentally unwell - she has 6 monthly check ups with an NHS psychiatrist (or did pre-Covid, not sure now) and has a CPN, (although I think that's been phone-call only since the start of Covid). She's been an in-patient twice (many years ago). She's had three different NHS talking treatments, one of which was fortnightly for a year. She's gone private for counselling, too. We are all worried about doing anything to potentially worsen her already fragile state.

This "treading on eggshells" didn't start with Covid, but it's got much worse since March 2020.

I'm getting very fed up with having to adjust perfectly rational behaviour in an irrational way, just to avoid upsetting SIL.

No, you don't all have to adjust your life to suit her. She has to take responsibility for her own mental health I'm afraid and you all need to talk to her maybe even write a letter and explain that you care about her very much but you all need to get on with your lives now.

You are making it worse by enabling her. Seriously. I have severe health anxiety and I know that if everyone pussy footed around me, in the long run, I'd be worse.

Also, I'm a bit vague about some of this, because it's hard to talk to DB. We have a dog, and SIL has a long-term worry about dog germs, so I can't visit DB in their home. I haven't been in their house for over a decade. DB is allowed to visit me, but 3 of the last 4 planned visits were cancelled. About 50% of DBs visits to our mother get cancelled. Mum is terrified SIL will restrict DB's visits still further.

If I phone and SIL is there, DB has to put our conversation on speakerphone. So communication with DB can be difficult.

Seeing this written down, if this was new relationship for DB, obviously I'd be saying "Run fast, run fast."

But this is a long term marriage, they have young adult children, she has been unwell and DB has cared for her through many ups and downs for many years.

I’m ashamed to say I used to be like this and I can see both sides now I’m back to normal. It has caused damage with my IL’s which I am trying to repair.
Make sure none of you take it personally. She is currently unable to control her anxiety and thinking if she can try to control other parts of her life/people in her life, then it helps her cope. It doesn’t help the anxiety though and almost feeds it.
She might know how difficult it is for everyone or she might not. She will one day realise - IF she gets the help she needs. Unfortunately mental health services are pretty poor and it might take for one of you to contact her doctor yourself just to try and get the right therapy for her. Sadly no one can speed up the process of her getting better, you just have to grin and bear it. Try reading up on health anxiety if you haven’t already so you can try to be a bit more understanding. Also try to talk to her and her Dh together about your concerns as she won’t want to think you’re all ‘ganging up’ on her. If she is open to talking with you, keep that going. If she can feel as though you all want her to get back to a less anxious life because you care about her, she might feel more able to tackle it.

What about the affect on everyone else's MH? So your other DS and DB can't see each other, but did she? You're not allowed in your DBs house or in certain shops but she can see who she wants and go where she wants. In your shoes l would become very be anxious because I'd feel so worried about doing anything that would result in a threat of self harm/suicide I'd become unwell and isolated.

This is awful, I really feel for you.

In the long-term I'd be trying to insist she gets more help to overcome her fears. In the short term I'd just carry on as normal and if you think it will offend her, don't tell her (like you did with the funeral). I don't really know what you do if your mum won't do the same though

I get that health anxiety is very real, she sounds very troubled. She does however sound very selfish and controlling. Trying to tell people what they can and can't do while seemingly going here there and everywhere!
Incredibly self centered!

What part of her “health anxiety” means her husband can’t have a private conversation with his sister? Why can’t she be left alone when she’s got a migraine?

She’s controlling and abusive. She may also have health anxiety- these things aren’t mutually exclusive.

I assume your mum will just see your adult daughter and not tell your brother or SIL? What’s the problem with that?

Honestly, I’d focus on supporting your brother to take care of himself and leave if that’s what’s best for him.

If I phone and SIL is there, DB has to put our conversation on speakerphone. So communication with DB can be difficult.

Em. I don't think this is health anxiety related?

This sounds awful. The problem is that having serious legitimate mental health issues doesn't also mean you can't be unreasonable and controlling.
Can you ever talk to your brother about it?

Can you mitigate things by keeping more information about what you do secret?

Your SIL may have very real mental health issues, but the fact is that your brother is trapped in an abusive relationship as a result, and his children, your mother (you don't mention your father) and wider family are caught up in the circle, too.

I wouldn't normally suggest anything like this, but I think the time may have come for an intervention, ideally through a professional psychiatrist or similar.

Does your brother have the funds for private treatment? The alternative is that he, and the rest of your family, continue to live like this for the rest of your lives, particularly as you say your SIL's behaviour appears to be escalating.