Both usband and I are depressed and about to become parents

[AngelenelarbolChica]

I am 38 weeks pregnant with our first child - have posted in the pregnancy threads a couple of months ago about this because I got very upset as it transpired that my husband despite initially saying and doing all the right things admitted that he didn't want our baby any more.

I have been v weepy and emotional in 3rd trimester and husband's condition has made things 100 times worse. I haven't been pushy but he refuses to plan or talk about the future and will not feel the baby move or anything. He has said he is not looking forward to having a "sh*tty baby" around the house. When I get upset he won't come near me or comfort me either. This leads to a vicious cycle of upset & recriminations.

Like a lot of men he is virtually unable to expres himself emotionally but yesterday he admitted to feeling incredibly depressed and does not seem to be able to summon up anything positive to do with the baby or our relationship, which he believes he has ruined because of the way he feels.

There are some things that have happened in past relationships that have led him to have negative associations with children. I knew that he has never been particularly interested in babies or small children but it seems he went along with my wish to have them without objecting because he was scared of losing me.

I have an ex partner who suffered from manic depression and a close friend who has suffered from depression in last year or 2. It's now obvious to me that I can see the same view of the world coming from my husband - the glass is half empty, and a sense of hopelessnesss despite having a lot of things going for him. He has said some very worrying things over the last few days i.e. that we would be better off without him / if he was dead etc.

I have made an appointment for him to see our GP who I have recently seen about my own low mood - he put me on sick leave before I finished work and he was lovely. However I do not think my DH will be very receptive to the doctor who he says will probably just prescribe Prozac and refer for counselling which no doubt will take months to come through. I am scared that he won't be the same person on antidepressants though, I have seen its effect on my friend and it seemed to cast a cloud over her personality, she couln't finish her train of thought etc.

I know he is dreading being with me at the birth now, but i think it is important that he is there because i think he is going to have a lot of trouble bonding with the baby in any case. I can't ask other people like my mum to be there instead because the moment I talk about this to someone else they will not understand my husband's attitude and I don't want them to think badly of him. He is suffering enough.

Why not have mum and dh at birth? i think you need to confide in your mum about dh. I agree its important to have dh at birth, however if you force him to be there it could make him worse. If you have mum there also it takes pressure of dh and yet he is still with you. he may actually feel differently once his baby is here and he can see it and hold it. I think you need to just play things by ear and just deal with things on a daily basis. Please talk to others, hv, doc, mum - everyone is there to help and you neednt suffer this alone.

Hi Angel,

Sorry to hear you're not doing so well. I just wanted to offer you some support from my own limited experience. I think the other posters are right and that you need to get some outside light shed on this - cooped up together over Christmas, I can understand why it feels a bit like a pressure cooker. I have tried to cope with family memebers with severe depression and it's not what you can deal with right now at this stage in your pregnancy.

I'm sure you have been reassuring to DP but the idea that he might lose you clearly frightens him. Look at it one way and this feels awful - look at it another and it's great! You just might need someone else to help turn this around.

I think, with the other poster, that if you can and think it would help, maybe tell DP he doesn't have to be at the birth. My DH is only going to be there because I want him to and even thouh we are fine this has been a fraught issue at times. We have certain social norms now that people think they have to live up to, but they don't. You might be better off with someone else - or even on your own! I don't like the idea myself but that's what my mum and MIL did and they were fine.

I just wanted to say that even though I think DH and I are doing great, it is not an easy thing to face having a baby. I couldn;t want this baby more but certain things about it creep up on me at times and freak me out. It's the same for DH. I don't think either of you should put pressure on yourselves for feeling odd about the baby. Also, my DH is very funny about touching / feeling the baby. I don't really know why but he's really sensitive about it. Maybe it's quite normal.

Also, isn't it quite normal not to bond with the baby immediately after birth? I've read countless stories on here about mums and dads who don't feel much for their babies for some months. The main problem with this seems to be people feeling guilty about it.

Don't know if that is any help at all, but just wanted to offer you some support. Keep us posted on how you're doing.

Yes - that scares the hell out of my DH.

That sounds like a serious depressive episode. My DH used to have them years ago. Make sure to distinguish (as i am sure you do) between him saying it would be better if he were dead and being suicidal. At the moment he honestly does not see how he is any use to you and that makes him say things like that. Christmas cooped up together must have been a nightmare.

My DH has always refused anti-depressants and over the years I have come round to his point of view. He did have therapy which helped.

Depending on your GP, it can be helpful if DH talks to him/her. The prescription-book type is not much help, but one who is willing to listen is. And it is possible to get emergency access to counselling in a crisis, and the impending arrival of your lo makes this quite urgent. Whether your DP will accept therapy is another matter.

You do need to look after yourself. The thing that always kept me going was realising that I did have needs of my own and also expecting my DH to meet them. You do need to confide in someone who can support you at this time, as your hormones are raging. DH recently had minor episode and I found that being pregnant I found it 10 times as hard to handle him, as I am much more needy myself. Depression is an illness and nothing to be ashamed of, and there must be someone like your mum or a close friend you can share this with. If all else fails can you afford to hire a doula for the birth? that may be less emotive than a relative who may or may not think yor DH is strange or whatever.It may make it easier for your DH to be there as he may feel less of a pressure to be the perfect birth partner for you (believe me he does feel that, and is convinced he will be rubbish, which makes him more depressed)

I just asked my DH for his opinion and he says that your DH will feel very different once the baby is here. It may not all be rosy, but it will change.

If you want you can email me off this board. inger at denhaan dot co dot uk. Always willing to listen.

I think it can be quite a standard reaction for men to get a bit negative about the whole idea. My DP did, probably because I was quite depressed, so yours may be picking up on your feelings.

When the baby was born he said that he suddenly felt 'It's only a baby, of course we can cope!' - pretty much as soon as she was put in his arms. (I hadn't even realised how concerned he was until I saw his relief

PS. Don't mean to trivialise your partner's feelings, as obviously he sounds really depressed - just trying to say that I think a lot of men feel better after the birth.

Bumping for you

thank you everyone for just listening it helps a lot to get things off my chest. madmouse you are right on a lot of fronts - esp that i feel I am not handling it well as I could be due to being pregnant - maybe things get out of proportion in my head.

Things have calmed down a lot although I think DH is drinking a bit too much for my liking in the evenings... It's our first wedding anniversary tomorrow so will tyr and keep things on a n even keel. in a couple of weeks we should have our baby and we'll see how things go from there!