Feel so down, breast cancer fear

[Vi37]

Hi everyone I just need a bit of help. I've had a long running breast cancer fear ever since my mil died from it 3 years ago. Yesterday I woke up and found a stain on my pyjama top where my nipple would be, I can't work out whether it's a food/oil/grease stain that I'd not noticed or whether my nipple is leaking. I've phoned the doctors in a panic and they're phoning me today, I had an ultrasound on that breast a year ago and a manual exam by my gp 6 months ago. I'm 37, I have a 4 year old little boy and I'm so frightened, I dont want to leave him. I'm in such a panic.

Got a doctors appointment this afternoon

That's good. Although checking your breast is only part of the issue here. Your anxiety about this sounds very extreme. Maybe if you can, mention to the Doctor that you're struggling with these feelings too.
I can sympathise as my Mum died from breast cancer and several of my friends have had it. However, you're young, vigilant and in the unlikely event that you develop it in your 30's it's a very treatable condition. Good luck for later.

Thank you, Beamur, it seems to be everywhere, I try and ignore it and get on with my life but I cant, I was trapped in the loo at work the other day while a work colleague was telling me about her daughter with stage four breast cancer who is only 2 years older than me, I feel so sorry for her but at the same time I wanted to selfishly run away to not hear her tell me about it, and that's when all this was triggered

When we are sensitive/aware of something, it does seem to keep intruding. Having little kids does make you very aware of their vulnerability and the fear of not being around for them is real.
I'm fairly sure that the Dr will be able to reassure you today but do have a think about if you need some support around anxiety too. My DH has been a habitual worrier all his life but it seems worse at the moment - he's experienced a significant bereavement and the climate we've been under with Covid has tested even the most resilient people. His anxiety has fixated on health too and I think it's being made worse by the loss he's experienced too. He's had one niggle checked out by the doctor/hospital and is generally taking care of himself. He's reading up on health anxiety which is helping too.

Thank you for your reply, I know you're right that the thoughts keep intruding, its so hard to stop, I've tried CBT twice, a mental health nurse came every two weeks when I was pregnant and after and I've seen a proper counsellor, I've been on 6-7 different antidepressants and had diazepam for times when I just couldn't cope at all. Nothing has helped so far, I feel like I have to be on top of my health at all times, always 'on guard' in case I miss something because if I do it will be my fault I missed it and I'd never forgive myself.

Bless you. As well as my DH, my DD also experiences intrusive thoughts OCD, so whilst I don't know how it feels personally it's something I do live alongside.
It sounds like you have tried a lot of things already. My DD has good spells and bad spells with it and I think understanding where it's coming from helps, but doesn't actually stop the feelings.

I think that's partly why the CBT hasn't helped me as it's all about accepting the thoughts and turning them into something different etc etc, I dont want the thoughts in the first place and just want rid of them. I want to get on with my life with my son but I can't because I also don't want to die from ignoring some symptom while I'm having fun. It's just a vicious circle

Appointment is in 3/4 hour and I'm petrified she's going to find a lump or something or send me to the breast clinic, again. I've already been twice in the past 3 and a half years.

How did it go?

She examined me and said she wasn't concerned at all and everything looked fine, I even took the pyjama top in that had the stain on and she didn't seem worried about that either she said that could be anything, if I notice it happening constantly though I need to go back. She just said to monitor it.

Hello just wanted to say I completely understand how you are feeling. I have been to the breast clinic so many times I have numerous cysts. I have extreme health anxiety about, it like you tried cbt anti depressants and it's truly horrible. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone x

Thank you, I've had to book another appointment to see the doctor again as I've been having breast pain for well over a year, I've had two doctors examine me and they've said nothing is wrong but I cant deal with the anxiety any more.

So the doctors are getting part of their wellbeing mind team to phone me on Wednesday instead. So they think it's all in my head like every doctor does.

I cant let this go at all, do I go back to the doctors, again? I can't get it out of my head at all.

Did you speak to the wellbeing team? You need support with the health anxiety.

Yes, she basically just told me to make sure I excersise and relax before bed and she's phoning me again next Wednesday to see how I am. I cant relax and I don't have the energy to excersise.

I completley understand and empathise with you. I had this exact same fear with skin cancer which was triggered by having a tfmr stillborn. My anxiety after this sky rocketed and got 100x worse when I had DD, I was convinced I was going to die from skin cancer and that no one was taking me seriously. I ended up paying for a private check up and she too insisted all was ok. I finally got help for my mental health and my GP stated this is common after traumatic events, and diagnosed me with PTSD and anxiety. I’m now on antidepressants and the health anxiety is so much better.

I really hope you get the help you need, whatever it may be x

Thank you, I've been on tons of antidepressants, propranolol, diazepam, had counselling, I'm not really sure what to do next, I go to the doctors and they look at me like I'm an alien or something and everything that comes out of my mouth confuses them x

I was exactly the same after my dad died of cancer 3 years ago. I really recommend you get some mental health support. I had 10 sessions of CBT which really helped. I could self refer online in my area, maybe worth checking or ask gp to refer?

Hi, I had cbt in the past, twice and it didn't help in the slightest, just loads of worksheets and homework i just didnt understand any of it at all and one of the therapists was just down right rude. It's been recommended to me again so I've self referred, I'm not holding out much Hope though after two attempts.