I can’t keep up the pretence of being ok when I actually really WANT to have a breakdown

[RedPandaWanda]

Like so many with mental health issues I have been high functioning with my problems for so long.
But I feel I can no longer carry on with this charade and want to crumble and give up.
I (weirdly) dream of having a breakdown so that people can see that I genuinely mean it when I say I am struggling.
I feel that no one is listening to me. Dh, family, friends, the medical professionals I have consulted over the years, everyone.
I know that no one has a magic wand but I feel that I just can’t continue trying to keep all my plates spinning in the air. I really try to help myself.
I want the constant overwhelming anxiety to abate, I want to get my head out of the dark, dark cloud it’s been residing in for years, I want to stop feeling so scared of everything in life, I want all of my physical symptoms to go so that it will ease the overwhelming vicious cycle of physically feeling crap and then worrying I have something very wrong and thinking I am being overlooked by medical professionals.
I really want it all to stop.
If I collapse into a big heap or just refuse to get out of bed on day would someone help me? Rhetorical question, I know the answer, only I can pick myself up.
But I have tried so, so many times. I think that I am proactive in trying to get better? I have had endless counselling, so many CBT sessions, I am currently seeing a psychotherapist. I exercise, I don’t smoke or take drugs. I live a boring, safe existence but still feel so scared of everything. EVERYTHING!
Maybe it’s in my dna? My mum had years of anxiety/depression. Her dad, my grandad, had poor mental health and even tried to take his own life in his later years, members of his family had poor mental health too. Maybe there is no getting out of it, this is my destiny?
I feel no one is really listening when I say I am not ok, people depend on me - my lovely dc, my parents (mum has Alzheimer’s), my job (I am a carer and would love to take some time out from it as I need to care for myself but need the money). I am sure they all think because I look ok on the outside, all is ok on the i side, regardless of what I say?
My dh puts up with me but he would be better off living with someone els, I am dragging him down, he deserves more.
Has anyone had a breakdown? Did things get better after?
Does anyone understand this? Have you felt this way?

Hi @RedPandaWanda, so sorry to hear you’re feeling this way.

I don’t know what advice I have for you but just wanted to say you’re so not alone I’m feeling this way. I have felt a similar way throughout my life and quite recently found myself thinking, if something happened to me to just be unconscious for a few weeks, that’d be so lovely.

I know how awful that sounds and I’m not suicidal at all but at that point I just thought my god I’d love to switch my stupid brain off for a few weeks!! I explained how I felt to a friend and she told me I didn’t have to live my life this way (though I’m
Sure people without MH probably have fleeting moments of feeling that way too)

Things sound really tough and full on for you and I’m sorry it’s got to this point, it sounds like you’re doing all the “right things” in terms of therapy, etc. have you been diagnosed with anything in particular?

As you say it sounds like you’re being so proactive in trying to feel better so I’m sorry it’s not happening yet, and hope it will soon. Can you spot any patterns like times of the month or year you feel worse?

for you and some too xx

I hear you OP. I had a 'breakdown' and hospital stay many years ago. For me, it didn't help. I think what you need is a break

Thank you wintersdays I am so sorry you feel the same way too but in a weird way it does give me a little comfort to know that (that sounds awful, sorry but I often feel quite alone with this feeling). I too wish I had an off button to my mind sometimes, just to get a break.
I know many will tell us we don’t have to feel this way but I genuinely would love to know how, I feel that I have tried so much and no longer know what the answers are.
I have a few physical issues which trigger it off and think I am in perimenopause which certainly doesn’t help but often the feelings blindside me, I can feel ok (ish) one day and then the next it all comes crashing down, not sure why. I have only been told I have anxiety (which I am more than aware of lol!) but I do wonder if I have undiagnosed ADHD, I recognise many of the symptoms in myself both as an adult and when I was a child. I have know idea where to get help for that as gp just wants me on various antidepressants which really exacerbate my digestive issues so I can never continue with them.
Have you managed to find your triggers at all?

mincechili sorry you had a breakdown and sorry you didn’t feel better. How do you manage now? I long for a break from so much in my life but it’s just not possible (or maybe I just can’t see that right now).

@RedPandaWanda well I’m glad it’s given a little comfort and it doesn’t sound awful at all! One thing I’m trying to get better at is realising so many people have this. People find it so hard to talk about when they’re struggling, me included. Let’s be honest if there was a service for humans where they could go in some kind of bed pod and just switch off for 2 weeks, a lot of people would want to do it!

The adhd thing is interesting, perhaps you could look at some adult adhd resources online? I also know it presents very differently in females often, hence it being really hard to diagnose.

My triggers are big changes, seasonal (really struggle when it’s dark most the time!) and hormonal- I struggle massively just before and during my period. Some of those things I can prepare for- some I can’t!

Also sorry to hear medication hasn’t worked so far, maybe there’ll be something that can help but doesn’t have that effect on your digestion.

I don’t like hearing you say your husband deserves more or is being dragged down . You deserve to be happy and to be treated for your feelings. You are allowed to feel this way even though it’s hard. And you deserve a break from this all xx

wintersdays I totally get the winter thing, I long for summer, does make me feel a little better. Maybe today’s grey, frozen fog has set me off. Roll on summer when we will hopefully feel a little bit better 🤞
Oh and you maybe on to something with the bed pod idea, think that would be very popular. Fancy taking that idea Dragons Den? 😊