I'm so depressed

[HerRoyalHappiness]

And sick of everything

I'm 30, a single mum to 3 kids. My kids are amazing but hard work.
1 is a teenager, my DD has selective mutism and my youngest is autistic.

I'm also autistic. And ADHD.
And I'm psychotic. I hear voices and hallucinate.
I'm also living with fibromyalgia, 2 types of arthritis and hypernobile ehlers danlos syndrome.

I've had covid 3 times, my ex recently admitted to cheating on me throughout our 12 year relationship and one of my cats requires frequent vet visits as he is semi feral and blind in one eye, and gets a lot of infections in his eyes. We're trying to find an underlying cause.

I'm also massively overweight. I'm obese and I hate myself. I hate how I look, its not good for my joints to be so fat but it's hard to lose weight when you can't exercise and are on psych meds which are notorious for weight gain.

And recently (the past 3 nights) I've has some little dickheads booting my door and terrifying my 8 year old daughter. The police are doing as little as possible, expecting me to video them or ask neighbours if they have CCTV that covers my house. They don't. I've already asked when a bike was stolen back in November. (And the police were useless that time too)

I'm just so fed up of it all. I'm in constant pain, I'm constantly being told to kill myself and to harm myself by the voices, I dont sleep because I see demons and hear noises all night, especially now DD is so scared as I need to make sure she's safe and I can't do that if I'm asleep.

I just want it all to end. I dont want to kill myself. But I don't want this life.

OP so sorry you are going through this. You sound like a wonderful caring mother and your DCs are lucky to have you. I'm sorry I don't have any advice but hopefully someone will come along with some, x

Gosh, big hugs OP. It sounds like you are going through a really difficult time but you are loved, and you will move forwards with the right support.

My advice would be to speak to your doctor asap and come up with a plan.

Thank you both. I've messaged my care coordinator and I see my therapist on Friday.

I'm on a whole cocktail of meds that keep me mostly stable but every now and then the gravity of life drags me down.

I just wish it was different. If I could just have one day pain and psychosis free I'd be OK. But that just doesn't happen. My doctors are trying to teach me to live with it but I don't want to. I want to be free of it.

Oh Royal I'm so sad to read this. I don't know how you cope with everything you have on your plate I really don't. Are the voices there all day, every day, week in and week out or do you get some respite from them?

I hear you about psych meds weight gain - I am there too. I keep trying to do something about it but it's SO hard. I hate being obese too but I keep slipping back into my old bad habits. Too much food and not enough exercise - and I only have a bad shoulder and not all your physical challenges.

One thing I do know about you is that you are an amazing mum to your three amazing kids.

And I hope they catch the little fuckers who are kicking your door so you can get some rest if not actual sleep. I can't believe how useless the police are being. Sleep is so important so when you are not getting any, everything is a million times worse.

And your ex is a first-class wanker, but we knew that already.

Sending you an un-MN-y gentle hug.

Thanks hearts
It's so difficult as the voices are always there. I've just changed over to a new antipsychitic so hopefully that will have some effect on them.

Can’t offer any advice but couldn’t read and run.

It sounds so difficult for you but you are the centre of your kids lives. You do matter. You are worth something, no matter what weight you are. You are important.

Keep making a nuisance of yourself at the doctors or they’ll palm you off if they can. Be the pain in their side until you get the help you need.

Thanks. I'm feeling a bit brighter today. It's the last day of covid isolation so back to normality tomorrow which should help. I thrive in routine and when it's not going to plan it leaves me feeling stressed

Hi there, I'm on antipsychotics too and know a little of what you're going through.

I know what you mean about routine being helpful x

Thank you. Routine definitely helps

Hopefully tomorrow will help, back to school for the kids, only I have a scan to look for non alcoholic fatty liver. So that will be stressful.

I hope your test goes OK. Maybe plan something restful for after it / before..

Good idea. I've been so preoccupied trying to arrange who's picking up the children from school and sorting their tea etc I've nit thought about myself. I cant eat before the scan, so I'll make sure I have a lovely tea when I get home and relax a bit before I have to go back into mum mode and get the kids.

That's a great idea OP. Look after yourself as much as you can. What time is your scan?

Scan is 1.15, hopefully won't be there too long.

I hope your appointment goes well royal and the new antipsychotics kick in soon. I don't hear voices but I hear doorbells which is really more than an annoyance more than anything (running up/down stairs to answer to no one)

Let us know how your appointment goes.

You're doing a wonderful job with those kiddies. Sending hugs 🤗

Thanks diary
I really don't fancy going, I just want to sleep but I know it's important

Well my scan has been cancelled due to staff shortages

Sorry to hear that at least you can relax now x

Sorry you are suffering, as a mild bi polar sufferer, life can be tough, luckily non of my meds( only 2), avoided weight loss so far!
Having brain to eye problems ( eyes physically fine), driving me nuts, as since. July.
Keep pushing for more meds if these don’t help, I’ve promised myself, as I hope you will, not to give up until no more can be done

Thank you.
I'm not giving up. Despite my setback today with the appointment being cancelled (I hate short notice cancellations) I'm determined to get my health sorted. Mental and physical.