Not sure what to do - arguments with OH

[Lucyloo49]

Hi everyone.

I'm turning to you all for a bit of relationship advice because I'm in a pretty low place at the moment & not sure where to turn.

I'm anxious in general, it's got worse the past week or so & that triggers a low mood for me. My intrusive thoughts are quite bad but I've not shared this with anyone.

I think the trigger is my relationship with my OH (living together, together for 6 years friends for 5 years before that). It's not been great. About Oct time I instigated a chat about the way I was feeling, I've been unhappy for a little bit & he's always asked me to be honest with him. So I was.

He said what do I need? I'd thought about this for a while & said I need a break. I need some space between us - get away from the daily grind & go on a few days out etc whilst the children are in childcare or school (they are 4.5 and nearly 3). He's dead against 'breaks' says he doesn't see the point & it's selfish. Living apart would be tricky I know but I know it would help me. I said why doesn't he go on a weekend away with his friends etc instead.

Anyway that's the background as such. Christmas was ok, we got along & I loved the buzz of Christmas with young children. I did feel quite alone in parts.

Why I'm here is, he went to the pub last night after bedtime with the Children. He does this most Thursdays when I'm not working. I ended up staying up way too late watching bloody tick Tok and looking in the sales for childrens bits. It got into bed 10 minutes before he came in.

I think one of the children had been messing with the hot water bottle & it had leaked right in the middle of the bed, it was drenched. I sorted it out as best I could but to be honest it wasn't great. We have light sleepers so I was restricted with turning the light on etc! I text him what had happened & that I was sleeping with my feet out of the bed (crying face etc) he came home & got in bed. He comes so close to me & I'm not well so the smell of the alcohol knows me sick, I asked if he could turn the other way. He ended up getting out of bed but went into our endears room & got in her single bed with her.

I followed him 5 mins later & asked did he really think it was fair on her to be sleeping in her bed. She's 4.5 and a terrible sleeper. He said where else am I supposed to sleep, I said our bed or the sofa. He started swearing at me like I'd wet the bloody bed myself. I said it wasn't me he told me to F off.

He likes to mutter unkind things so he started doing that. Then he shouted up the stairs that is was an awful, selfish and pathetic person with a lack of critical thinking. I spent the rest of the night crying on & off and we haven't spoken since. He is acting perfectly with the girls, we just aren't speaking.

I'm upset and I'm not really sure what to do. I hate this upset but not talking but equally I struggle to start a conversation about it because I will just cry.

It's hardly the end of the world I know & it feels a little tittle tattley now I've wrote it down. It all feels worse because I feel low.

What would you do? Feeling very alone right now x

I’m so sorry you feel like this. I’m in a similar stale mate situation where I’ve expressed what I feel is lacking and feel I’ve been totally ignored. And not I’m left feeling irrelevant. He’s made physically advances and for the first time ever really, I’m not interested at all. I feel done. And I don’t see a way out. Sorry not much advice other than to say I feel your pain. Also, our kids are similar ages and I wonder if I’m maybe just depressed in general. I’m trying to make some changes to improve that- I can’t control him but I can control my own habits.
Out of interest, when you say a break do you mean you want to break up with him for a while? And if not, does he realise that’s what you mean? Does he fully understand why you want a break. I often write long messages to my partner as he’s responds so negatively and gets defensive in person.

Also, I said recently to a friend that having small kids doesn’t feel compatible with being sane. There’s no time to yourself and “self-care” (I hate that term) feels so out of reach. I try to remind myself that he probably is suffering with that too though he would never word or think of it like that, it must affect his mood and his reactions. In your case if he’s going out most Thursdays he must see that it’s fair you have at least the same amount of time? Do you work outside the home? For me going to work really helps keep me sane. An isolation period recently was a big reminder of that.

You've got to the point where him being close to you makes you uncomfortable. I thinks that's over isn't it?