I don’t know how to get better

[July56]

I’ve had some kind of depression for a long time, probably most of my adult life, I can see that now but in the last 3 years it’s really come to the fore. I’m doing all the things I should to get better, exercise, be busy, journal, counselling, doing things for myself but I still feel so bad.
With hindsight I realise I had a breakdown 3 years ago after surgery for breast cancer. The whole experience was traumatic and although I’m recovered I still need further surgery.
Last year we were hit with my husband being ill and i feel there’s very little that’s good at the moment, hubby points out I’ve nothing to be unhappy about. On the surface it others would look at me and wouldn’t see how bad I feel. I’ve tried talking to friends and family but unless they’ve felt this way it’s hard for them to understand. I can’t just think happy thoughts or go for a walk or remember that lots have it much worse than me, I still feel so sad and full of anxiety.
I’m sat in a coffee shop trying really hard not to cry - why do I want to cry when I’m doing something nice? I know it’s down to me to change but I just don’t know how. Counselling is helpful but I can’t spend the rest of my life saying the same things over and over.
I just don’t know how to get better and meds are out as I already take some strong medication and can’t deal with more.

Can you expand on what's causing you to feel sad and full of anxiety? Sometimes pinpointing the actual details rather than a generalised emotion can help.

Still trying to come to terms with my cancer and now my husband has incurable cancer. I’ve got caring responsibilities for an elderly parent and at times I feel swamped. It’s also just an underlying feeling of sadness, why does so many awful things happen to me? I know that’s selfish as everyone has stuff to deal with, it just feels relentless at the moment.

@July56 please don't put pressure on yourself to appreciate things if you're feeling rubbish. It's hard enough and how you feel is how you feel!

I know you've tried counseling but how about a more structured therapy? ACT therapy is all about 1. Accepting what's going on, which is a huge deal and you can validate these feelings. 2. Committing to living the kind of life you want, even in these circumstances. It's usually limited to about 8-10 sessions and isn't there to just vent, you do exercises and homework and learn to live differently.

If the cost is too much (8-10 sessions could be a lot!) There's a book you can read yourself and kind of DIY it. It's called The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris and there are all the exercises free online.

Sometimes you can't just think your way out of these funks! Sending you lots of strength. It's fine to be sad when things are seemingly good.

That's a lot on your plate. Hopefully you're getting all the physical and financial help that's available to you? Have you spoken to McMillan about your husband's prognosis and care? It sounds so trite to say it but living in the moment and seeing the tiny positives in every day can help. Being busy is fine but take the time to recharge your batteries and make memories now rather than projecting on the whats and whens of the future.

Not bloody surprising you feel as you do, given the circumstances.

Three things come to mind:-

One, get a SAD lamp if you haven't already.

Two, make an appointment with the GP and get them to talk you through how various depression-related meds would interact with all the stuff you're on already. Then at least you know for sure how you stand there. (There's a small chance that the GP says, "Oh yes, your situation surprisingly common, I have 10 other patients in your situation with your meds on antidepressant X and they sing its praises"; in your situation I would require that sort of level of certainty before throwing another ingredient in the pot).

Three, if you've ever wanted a pet ... give it serious consideration. A dog or cat or even a guinea pig can work a bit of magic in the darkest of times. Very personal thing of course.

Thank you for your replies, I really appreciate it.
@Sarahlou63 I’ve used Macmillan in the past for my own cancer and found them very helpful. At the moment DH is well and responding to treatment so I’m not sure what I’d ask. If things change I’ll definitely contact them.
@EightNationNavy I have an appointment with my GP next week and will ask about medication. I would love a dog but DH has never been keen.

I was like this this time last year, it hadn't been for 3 years but just due to lockdowns etc. Anyway I ended up getting 20mg of fluoxetine from the doctor and it massively helped. I'm off it now and feel brilliant. Hopefully they can give you something to help. It doesn't need to be long term, it was ten months I was on it and it did the job.

Hope you feel better soon you have had a really difficult time.

OP be kind to yourself and acknowledge that it is normal and acceptable to have these feelings. Don't try to push them away. You are doing all you can. PP have given supportive advice and I have been in a similar situation myself. Try not to think far ahead, I used to take it an hour at a time and get through that.

Depression doesn't discriminate - you could have the perfect life and still suffer with depression. Whilst saying that it seems to me you have actually been going through things that could indeed cause depression. It's definitely worth talking to your GP just in case they can think of anything that might help.