Struggling to get 'me time'

[marmilade92]

The past few weeks months have felt like a struggle since having my baby and it feels like it's getting worse. I'm currently on sertraline and have been since before the pregnancy and all during it. At 3 months postpartum my dose was increased to 100mg and I've felt a little bit better but another 3 months on I feel like I'm sliding back again.

I feel like I literally get no time to myself. I do the night time feed and look after the baby during the day while DP works from home. By the time DP is finishing work I'm starting to put DC to bed. I nap when DC has their first nap of the day to try and make up for sleep. I don't get to sleep until about 2am and then up at 7.30am when DC wakes up. I shower infrequently and spend most of my day in pyjamas because I don't get a chance to get washed and dressed and eat. I have to choose between sleeping and eating when they nap. DC is quite demanding and will start crying if I leave the room even to get a cup of tea or if I'm not directly interacting with them. This makes being able to eat difficult and I sometimes don't get to eat until 2pm. DC goes to bed about 7.30pm and I have dinner after. DP can't really put DC to bed. I've let him try over and over again but DC just cries for me and I'm the only one who can settle them. After dinner I spend a few hours on my phone doing mindless stuff because I'm too tired to read or play games or even think straight. I try to go to bed for 11 and sometimes get a few hours sleep before the night feed. DP is responsible for prepping the bottles for the next day.
He usually stays up late to 2.30am having his free time and doing the bottles. He gets up as late as he can in the mornings and goes to the office without getting washed and dressed. He's been really neglecting himself recently and only washes and dresses a few times a week and eats mostly junk food and takeaways for dinner. It feels to me like it's his choice to do that as he has more opportunities to get washed and dressed than I do when looking after the baby all the time.

I don't feel like I get any help so I'm only focusing on taking care of DC and myself, i.e. only doing my own and baby's washing and not DPs. I was previously trying to also 'look after' my DP but it was really getting me down and stressed. I used to make dinners but they weren't appreciated by DP so I gave up and I make my own semi-healthy dinners as he won't make dinner for us.

I just feel burnt out and not enjoying life really. Everyday feels the same. I feel unclean and tired and weak from not getting enough exercise and sleep. I'm sad about our relationship too because DP has neglected himself and I'm not interested in being cuddly with him. We also sleep in separate bedrooms, I sleep with DC. It honestly feels like we're room mates at the moment.

Anyways, a bit of a rant but really I'm just feeling burnt out. I don't feel like me anymore, I don't know who I am anymore. I don't have anything I enjoy anymore and if I did I'd have no time or energy to do it.

He usually stays up late to 2.30am having his free time and doing the bottles. He gets up as late as he can in the mornings and goes to the office without getting washed and dressed.

And that right there is the problem....or part of it. He HAS to go to bed earlier so he can help with night feeds and with getting up with the baby.

Have you spoken to him about this? Also, the baby is only 3 months old...they don't get a choice about who puts them to bed. You do.

Hand the baby over and leave the house. Doesn't matter where you go...break the cycle and go to the shops/cafe/friends or to sit in your car a mile away.

LEAVE them. Tell your partner that if he does not start contributing IMMEDIATELY then you will leave him and he can have 50-50 care and then you can have a rest.

It's absolutely not acceptable the way he's behaving. He sounds like a child.

I've told him before to go to bed earlier but he says he doesn't want to because it's the only time that we can stay up and do whatever we want. I used to stay up sometimes but right now sleep is my priority so I go to bed earlier.

The baby is 6 months, not 3 months sorry if that was confusing and they do prefer me to put them to bed. I've tried letting DP do it but the baby just doesn't settle with him and I have to step in after 20 minutes of continuous crying/screaming.

I've also told him about his contributions but he says he contributes with working and making a salary. That's going to change as I'm going to start work soon and also contribute. I'm also starting work so I can make my own money if I have to leave him and be a single parent because I can't keep this up. I don't want to be trapped and have to rely on him in a terrible relationship. We're engaged but I'm not so sure now, things will have to change a lot to convince me that getting married is the right thing to do.

Yes, he's being an absolutely awful person basically. Imagine if you got very ill or went to hospital? He'd have no choice but to manage to put the baby to bed then would he?

That's how you need to think...you've got to take your time by force when you;re dealing with a man child.

There's no reason to think your baby isn't safe with him is there? Like...would he leave the baby to scream and scream or neglect them if you weren't there?

He might say he's making his contribution but he's not. You didn't have a baby on your own. He's in on it...you need to be VERY clear with him.

Tell him that if it doesn't change immediately, then you're taking the baby and leaving.

His response will tell you whether the relationship is worth saving. don't take any excuses about "me time" and "Working" he simply HAS to do something to change things and now.

If he doesn't, then get yourself sorted with a job and leave. He can then have his access and you will be better off all round.

Do you have a sling or baby carrier? Please consider getting one, total game changer for having hands free.

Re showers, it's fine to put baby down safely and let them cry while you take 10 minutes to shower. I brought the car seat in the house and strapped baby in to watch me shower! Other people might use baby bouncer or pram.

On DP you've had some good advice already, just to add what he's doing is not normal or OK, he should be sharing half of the domestic workload, earning money doesn't excuse him from that.