I am absolutely exhausted by grief

[ghostmouse]

Six months since dh died very quickly from cancer, I had a hospital wedding, restrictions from covid, seperated from my girls at the time due to them self isolating.

I went back to work two months later, I was utterly traumatised from that as I worked at the hospital and on the ward where my husband was.. to going to work in a place where my husband was working.

My daughter returns to uni on sat and I’m dreading it as she’s been great.

My youngest 2 are 11 and 14. I’ve had an emotional day at work and now I’m utterly exhausted and I’ve come in ate my tea and gone to bed, lunches need doing, washing up needs doing, and the house is a tip. The girls have sorted their uniform out for tomorrow and my eldest has cooked tea and washed up last nights stuff but she’s struggling herself.

I crash like this a lot. I’m on iron tablets, vit b12 .
I’m so tired, I’m not sleeping well and I work in a factory and I’m so forgetful, I just feel rubbish. Is this normal? I just feel like sleeping all the time even though I cant

Oh @ghostmouse, am so sorry, I don't want to tell you what am sure you'll already know, but be kind to yourself, remember the Kubler-Ross cycle and how its absolutely expected to feel like this and all over the place. Are you accessing all the support you and the dc can? Occy Health and maybe Winstons Wish?

I’m so sorry. In my experience very normal (not DH but parents). I felt exhausted for a long time. Eventually went on antidepressants but it was cardio exercise that really helped put me back up mentally and physically.

I have never felt more alone in my entire life

Oh my goodness, your poor, poor thing. To me, with limited experience of losing a partner, your levels of energy sound totally reasonable. Although I also completely appreciate how difficult it must be for you with two young teenagers who need input.

Is there anyone else at all that help take the pressure off a little? Can you and kids have dinner at 1 or more friends a week for January? Are you able to afford some really easy ok dinners for the family?

I get that feeling of being alone x

This is such a heartbreaking post. I haven't experienced your grief so I can't imagine what it's like but just wanted to say I hope things get better for you. Over time they will but in the meantime a take each day at a time and don't beat yourself up about a messy house. It will get easier to live with the loss and you will get through this.
You may want to consider some sort of grief counseling or therapy as it does seem a lot for one person to handle emotionally.

So sorry about your DH ghostmouse are you able to take any more time of work? It might be take some time to try to look after yourself. Then you don't have the pressure of work and can make small steps.

Have you accessed any therapy? How are your girls doing?

I just want to say I'm thinking of you. This overwhelming grief you describe is so normal but that doesn't stop it from being agony. I haven't lost a partner but my AC died suddenly a few years ago and I recognise the feelings you're having.
I think you're absolutely right that on top of your grief you're experiencing trauma. I would gently suggest that you look into finding an experienced clinical psychologist with particular interest in trauma and grief, so you have a dedicated space to talk about your struggles.
I really do wish you well. It's the most awful isolating feeling.
You will gradually find more strength, I promise you that.

I am so sorry, that level of grief is unimaginable to me, but I'm sure it's completely normal. I hope it helps a tiny bit that the days are noticeably brightening, so you'll soon be able to come home in the light. I like to sit out in the garden at dusk and in the last few days, I've noticed the birds have started singing a dusk chorus. It's understated, but it is there and I suddenly noticed how I had missed it & could enjoy its unawaited return. I find attuning to the seasons and trying to think of spring and sowing a few flowers helps to slightly take the edge off things

It definitely sounds like you might be experiencing a combination of ptsd and depression. But honestly the fact you have coped this long since he died is a testament to your inner strength. You are remarkable, so be kind to yourself and give yourself time to sleep if you want to. Cry if you want to. Shout if you want to. Do whatever will help you get through this grieving process. It's not a straight line and there will be good days and bad days, but hopefully there will be more good days as time goes on. But also please speak to your gp. I'm sure they will sign you off work. And as others have said some grief counselling I'm sure would help. Your children need you, and to be there for them, you need to prioritise your mental health and learning somehow to move forward without your husband. I'm so sorry you are in this position

Thank you. I think I’ve had some sort of a breakdown tbh as I’ve come in from work and just walked out and just drive the car round our town for hours.

My dds are ok, my 19 year old dd is here until sat.

I’ve got a cruse councellor but we’re not gelling, she doesn’t get it at all and the sessions make me feel worse not better.

I’ve noticed that around the 5 or 6 month mark people stop helping or avoid you, my friend has backed off a lot and she has hurt me anyway (to do with my ex) don’t feel I can trust her now. I’ve really got no one one else apart from my son and his other half (who has a knack of knowing psychically when I’m not right, it really is uncanny)

Im seriously thinking about time off work, I’ve just had 12 days shutdown over Xmas and I’ve only been there 4 months so I’d feel a bit of a piss taker if I did.. it’s not too bad there tho, the works easy enough it’s just a long day. I just hope they’d understand if I did.

Easy meals I think are the way to go.. good idea, I’m trying to be the super mum and I’d it’s not working, I’m exhausted beyond belief

It’s crazy when you get more empathy and [understanding from strangers on the internet x

I didn’t think of the ptsd angle. I just thought ptsd only affected those who have been in war zones, or seen or been in serious accidents or watched someone die (I know I was there when dh died but it wasn’t in an accident)

I do have flash backs when I hear a song, or something I smell or hear reminds me of that brief period of time when he was so Ill and Ben E kings stand by me started playing as I walked down the aisle in the hospital chapel and we just hugged and cried and cried when the song was playing.
And then everything else that came after, I just can’t deal with it any more I feel broken