NC but mumsnet regular.
History is that I had an abusive childhood (physical, sexual, emotional and neglect but concealed within a middle class family.) This resulted in breakdown in my teens and 2 years in a psychiatric unit and unstable MH until my mid twenties - psychotic episodes, self harm, serious suicide attempts. But worked hard and developed a successful professional life. Had series of abusive relationships until I met my current partner and have been with her (Same sex) for many years. MH stable.
Had two children in quick succession (IVF), one with significant health issues. Both poor sleepers and I co slept, extended breast feeding and had PND that has not been resolved.
Fast forward to now- had a breakdown earlier this year, diagnosed with bipolar and PTSD.
I am on a lot of meds and currently too unwell to work (involved in child protection).
I feel so trapped. Children are now 12 and 10 and DW is closer to them then I am since illness. I feel v remote from all of them, and I am desperate to die but I know I can’t due to impact on them. So what do I do? I just don’t seem able to recover, it’s been 12 years.
I am trying so hard - exercising, trying to self care, engaging with MH services which are limited and having private therapy. But recovery seems impossible. I have no sense of happiness, nothing brings me joy. I cover it up as much as possible.
Has anyone experienced this and come out the other side? I fantasist about waiting until children are independent and then committing sucked. I have plans to make it look like an accident. I don’t go for any health checks ( smears etc) in the hope that I will become Unwell and die naturally. I know this is sick and I hate myself for it.
What can I do?