A parter that does absolutely nothing.

[mummatoonexxo]

Please bear with me this is going to be a long one.. bottom line here is I don't really have friends and my family aren't very supportive so I have no one else to talk to, I had my son 2 years ago, me and my partner were so happy together we hardly had any issues, after the birth of my son I started to see the real him, the lazy and inconsiderate side. My son was an awful sleeper and for the first year we had many long nights. I was the main caregiver I was the one waking up through the night and in the morning and hardly resting through the day for about 5 months I just allowed my partner to stay up until 3/4 in the morning on games and wake up midday while I did everything also bear in mind he didn't work either. Until i pulled him up on it and things changed for a few days but then went back to normal. This has never changed my son is now 2 years old and I still do everything.. I clean the house, I make the money, I work a part time job, I look after my child, while my other half is still living like a teenager. It angers me massively and i have tried time and time again to talk about it but he always manages to turn the conversation on my and makes me feel guilty for even mentioning it, he says he forgets to help me and he blames not working on his self diagnosed bpd.. He blames me for 99% of things that he has to do that he doesn't like, for example attending the job centre or if there's a pile of washing he'll ask why it's not being done. When I have a bath it's an issue or when I ask to lay in until 8/9 it's an argument. He plays with my baby boy so lovely and he is a great dad but I'm soooo so stressed and I can't handle it anymore. Everyone that knows me knows that I'm very soft and sensitive and find it difficult to stick up for myself he knows this also, we are total opposites he's very confident and I'm not. Even after all of this I find it so hard to stay mad at this man, I just let it slip over my head and act like it's fine. I overheard him say to a family member that he's planning on staying at home for a while and not looking for work, our son has just started daycare and there's absolutely no need for him to be at home relaxing all day while I work my ass off to pay bills. I love this man so much and I never let anyone bad mouth him, I make out to everyone how perfect and helpful he is being I would hate for anyone to ever think negative about him.. I cannot leave our family's live 10+ hours away and he would have no one I also love him so much. This man cannot seem to have a adult conversation and never has every time I tries to talk he puts his hands over his ears and sings or tells me in nagging or pressuring him, he often tells me he misses the old me to me before children, but I'm still the same person and I do not see what I do wrong. Advice please

No one can self diagnose any kind of mental health condition. He is probably just plain lazy and conveniently blaming his self diagnosed condition.

You admit to being soft, he knows that. If my DH refused to listen to me and put his hands over his ears there would be merry hell to pay.

Why do you love him so much? He sounds a nightmare. I think until you admit to yourself he's a lazy, useless cocklodger you'll never change anything. He's just a parasite feeding off you. It doesn't look like you're married so that's good.

I think you are the one with mental health issues.

@Dillydollydingdong

Why do you love him so much? He sounds a nightmare. I think until you admit to yourself he's a lazy, useless cocklodger you'll never change anything. He's just a parasite feeding off you. It doesn't look like you're married so that's good.

I'm socially very anxious and for the longest time he's made me feel safe, looked after, he would never allow anyone to talk down or bad to me. Without him I fear I'd fall back into depression and anxiety if you understand what I mean

What do you love about him?
How is he a good dad?
Do you want your child to grow up thinking it's ok to behave this way?
Would you you tolerate anyone else covering their ears or singing over you?
What did you do together before you had your child?
Do you want to live like this forever? What do you want to hear in response to this post?
The overwhelming majority would say unless you can elaborate on a few major redeeming features, you've got a dud unfortunately.
I'm sorry

But he's the one talking down to you & disrespecting you. How safe can you feel when you're shouldering all of life's pressures on your own..?

He asks why the washing hasn't been done whilst he's sat at home gaming and you are out working?
Get angry with him. He pulls his weight or he's out. Time to be strong Op. You are not a doormat. If you don't respect yourself, he never will & continue to treat you like his easy mealticket.
You don't need him. You are already doing everything yourself. You would have less to do and less to manage without him.

What exactly do you love about this lazy, selfish, self centred excuse for a man?

So like a dog. You look after it, it makes you feel safe. Expect this is a person, a father and a partner. Maybe just get a dog. Seriously OP, I'm not always in support of therapy but I think you would really benefit. Especially as you don't have people to talk to, it will be money well spent.

Get plans to leave this will not get any better I’m 15 years in and I’ve had enough I’m going soon. Hugs take care.

If he won’t help you don’t do sod all for him! Stop cooking him dinner, stop washing his clothes Unless he wants to start sharing the chores and doing things for you too. He’s taking the absolute Piss out of you. There is no excuse for him not to be helping you, he is pure lazy, nothing to do with his supposed mental health, has he seen a doctor about it?

How does he make you feel 'looked after' if he doesn't provide for his family. And how is he a good Dad? I fail to see it

@Dotell

So like a dog. You look after it, it makes you feel safe. Expect this is a person, a father and a partner. Maybe just get a dog. Seriously OP, I'm not always in support of therapy but I think you would really benefit. Especially as you don't have people to talk to, it will be money well spent.

I know what I should do but it's so hard to actually go through with it. I feel like he's the only person who actually knows me and sometimes he gets me, I worry about being lonely. I've been unhappy for a while but one or two good days makes me second think. His mum knows he has a problem sometimes I talk to her but at the end of the day that's still her son she will always in the end defend him.

@Acheyknees

How does he make you feel 'looked after' if he doesn't provide for his family. And how is he a good Dad? I fail to see it

she very much believes in why should the man have to provide and me have mental health. every serious conversation I try to have he guilts me with that

BPD is a very serious condition and most people living with it will have needed some help and support.

@Libra84

If he won’t help you don’t do sod all for him! Stop cooking him dinner, stop washing his clothes Unless he wants to start sharing the chores and doing things for you too. He’s taking the absolute Piss out of you. There is no excuse for him not to be helping you, he is pure lazy, nothing to do with his supposed mental health, has he seen a doctor about it?

He has tired to before be he refuses to talk to the doctors and asks me to speak on his behalf and it results to nothing. Occasionally if he really pushes me I hint at leaving and he cries and says he'll speak to a doctor and pleads me to help him etc. Sometimes I think his behaviour can be narcissistic

@Tomselleckhaskindeyes

BPD is a very serious condition and most people living with it will have needed some help and support.

And that is where my guilt sets in, because I tell myself what if there is something wrong and I question if I'm being insensitive and if I should be helping more to get him help

You are NOT responsible for his BPD. He is.
Do you honestly see him engaging with MH services to improve? Or do you see him lying in bed, gaming, not working and being a poor parent? Do you see an endless cycle of you threatening to leave, him crying, you feeling guilty and things then going back to the way they were?

What do you love about him?!

He's taking you for an absolute mug. Self diagnosed BPD my arse. He's a lazy cocklodger. There's a diagnosis for him! 🙄

He's not a good dad. He's showing your dc an awful example of how a relationship should be. And you're allowing him to. Why?

Why are you telling everyone he's perfect when he's far from it?

He's treating you like a mug. Your son will do the same to both you and his own partner if you allow this to continue. Is this what you want?

Can't self diagnose BPD! I had intense questions from my psychiatrist for HOURS..... and then it took them a 2 weeks of discussing and analysis to come back with the diagnosis!!