Struggling to accept the term "abuse" tw - grooming, sex, coercion

[ihadtochangemynameforthis]

I have name changed for this but am a regular poster. I am in therapy at the moment, I have had therapy 2 or 3 times before to explore various past traumas - death/loss, illness, childhood stuff and also problems in my romantic/sexual relationships as an adult. More recently I went back to therapy for panic / anxiety issues some of which I know stem from the past traumas and current triggers . I am working with my current therapist to go back to the beginning, look at my whole life and identify important positive and negative experiences. One significant experience was when I was 17/18 I had sex for the first time and it was with a married man who was the minister of my local church. I knew him and his family well. The sex itself was consentual and I felt very guilty about this for many years and it was a massive secret I carried for a long time. He pursued me and was the one who suggested we have a sexual relationship. I was extremely flattered by the attention, confused by it but agreed as he was persuasive and a significant father type figure to me who I wanted to be close to and feel I was special. Over the years I have come to view it differently from how I saw it as a teenager - back then I thought I was having an affair, was The Other Woman, had a lot of guilt and shame but ultimately saw the act as something I chose and consented to as an adult (18 year old). My view has changed somewhat over time and I have come to see that there was an abuse of power/position of trust/failure of safeguarding etc. I think there was an element of grooming involved. However, I have become "stuck" on the issue of what I might come to accept/call what happened. I have a very strong reaction to the idea that what happened could be "child abuse" or that "I was abused". I just don't know if that description is right I am not sure if this is because I wasn't abused, or because I am trying to protect myself from the truth, or because the term abuse just doesn't feel right for me whatever happened. I guess I am wondering if anyone has struggled with terminology like this? I also find the concept of being a "victim" very difficult to relate to. I had a relationship in my early 20s which I can now see had elements of coercive control/emotional control but again feel uncomfortable with the term "abuse". I believe that I can call my experiences whatever makes sense to me but I am worried that my inability to call what happened abuse might prevent me from truly processing what has happened to me. I think this concern stems from a therapist years ago saying to me that I needed to see it was abuse in order to get over it. I am not sure what I am looking for from this post but just perspectives/experiences from anyone else who may have had similar struggles?

I’m sorry you have been through this.

Are you looking for a term you could use that doesn’t include the word “abuse “? What about exploitative relationship or inappropriate relationship?

Some people prefer the word survivor “ to victim.

Can you accept that you were in an exploitative and inappropriate relationship between a child and a much older adult who was a trusted family friend and in a position of authority ?

I guess you know that If he had been your 22 year old teacher he was committing was a criminal offence as you were under 18 ( since 2001).

This man would almost certainly have lost his job and perhaps his career if it was found out. Did he use this to keep you quiet?

He abused his position -- abused his trusted role in your shared community.

Maybe you don't need to use the word abuse - can you agree that you were treated badly and this man didn't care about your best interests? Why did the therapist say you should accept that it was "abuse" -- what difference would that word make. Are you trying to blame yourself for what happened?

This is very common.

And the opposite is common too!

A lot of people refuse to accept responsibility for their choices, and are quick to label another as an abuser, in situations where they had autonomy and accountability. Such people struggle for a long time to take responsibility for themselves and resist seeing themselves as powerful agents in their own lives.

Others dislike the term abuse for a range of reasons, including it destroying the idea that "I can look after myself. I don't need protecting. I'm OK on my own." Often such people haven't ever really had anyone to care enough for them as a child.

I think for you maybe forget the term abuse.

But work towards agreement with these statements: " I deserve care. I deserve protection. I deserve for my needs to be prioritised by others. I am not responsible for others' bad behaviour. I am not responsible for others' choices. Someone who consistently puts their needs before mine does not care about me."

I suspect you're resisting some of these ideas because before this married man or boyfriend, when you were little, your parents didn't treat you with enough care.

This is very painful for you to confront, and this is what your therapist is trying to get to with you.

Stick with the therapy.

The word abuse doesn't matter but some of those other statements...I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on.

Thank you for your replies, I am finding it really helpful to read and think about what you've said. I am going to go through them now and respond with my thoughts.

@I0NA

I’m sorry you have been through this.

Are you looking for a term you could use that doesn’t include the word “abuse “? What about exploitative relationship or inappropriate relationship?

Some people prefer the word survivor “ to victim.

Can you accept that you were in an exploitative and inappropriate relationship between a child and a much older adult who was a trusted family friend and in a position of authority ?

I guess you know that If he had been your 22 year old teacher he was committing was a criminal offence as you were under 18 ( since 2001).

This man would almost certainly have lost his job and perhaps his career if it was found out. Did he use this to keep you quiet?

I can relate to the terms exploitative/ inappropriate relationship yes. I feel they fit. I can accept that I was in an exploitative relationship with a much older man who was in a position of authority. I get stuck on the idea of me being a child as I turned 18 before we had sex (maybe this was deliberate on his behalf I don't know). I think this is part of why I get stuck on the child aspect, although I know whilst you feel quite grown up at 17/18 in reality you are not. He emphasised it was something not to tell anyone but I didn't want to tell anyone anyway as I felt what I was doing was very bad and shameful / a sin because I was sleeping with a married man.

@lljkk

He abused his position -- abused his trusted role in your shared community.

Maybe you don't need to use the word abuse - can you agree that you were treated badly and this man didn't care about your best interests? Why did the therapist say you should accept that it was "abuse" -- what difference would that word make. Are you trying to blame yourself for what happened?

Yes I agree he abused his position and trusted role. Thank you. I agree I was treated badly and he definitely didn't have my best interests in mind, he was seeking to meet his own needs with disregard for the effect on me. I definitely feel partly responsible / jointly responsible maybe for what happened or I certainly did back then. It takes two to tango etc. I felt I couldn't see it as abuse as it would suggest I had not made choices which I felt I had. I felt like calling it abuse absolved me of my role/agency in deciding to participate in what happened and like that was a cop out. I think I also felt like it does a disservice to "real" victims of abusers. It is helpful for me to write this out and think about my answers so thank you for your posts.

@Yummypumpkin

This is very common.

And the opposite is common too!

A lot of people refuse to accept responsibility for their choices, and are quick to label another as an abuser, in situations where they had autonomy and accountability. Such people struggle for a long time to take responsibility for themselves and resist seeing themselves as powerful agents in their own lives.

Others dislike the term abuse for a range of reasons, including it destroying the idea that "I can look after myself. I don't need protecting. I'm OK on my own." Often such people haven't ever really had anyone to care enough for them as a child.

I think for you maybe forget the term abuse.

But work towards agreement with these statements: " I deserve care. I deserve protection. I deserve for my needs to be prioritised by others. I am not responsible for others' bad behaviour. I am not responsible for others' choices. Someone who consistently puts their needs before mine does not care about me."

I suspect you're resisting some of these ideas because before this married man or boyfriend, when you were little, your parents didn't treat you with enough care.

This is very painful for you to confront, and this is what your therapist is trying to get to with you.

Stick with the therapy.

The word abuse doesn't matter but some of those other statements...I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on.

This is really interesting. I am working through my childhood in therapy and coming to recognise that while my parents did their best I was emotionally neglected and my upbringing was pretty chaotic with a lot of damaging events around me. My parents weren't able to care for me as they should and I definitely grew up quickly and was used to looking after myself a lot. Those statements of "I am ok on my own, I don't need protecting, I can look after myself" ring true for me. Maybe that is part of why I find it hard to see myself as a victim who was abused. I like the idea of working on other statements about what I deserve...my thoughts on those is that I think now I do believe them - I believe I deserve care and to have my needs taken care of. I don't think I believed those things when I was younger. I do believe I am not responsible for the other people's choices or behaviour but I still get a bit stuck on the fact that I am responsible for my own choices and behaviour and I think I made choices to engage in the sexual relationship with someone when I knew it was wrong. Again, thank you so much for your post and questions. It is helpful to reflect on these points and think about my responses.

Youre taking too much responsibility though.

You are focusing too much on your responsibility and not enough on the care and respect others owe you.

You're not looking at your capacity for responsible decision making given your age and the power dynamics.

In short: you apply higher standards to yourself than you expect from others, I think.

And that in itself needs challenging.

You do not need to be perfect.

Saying someone mistreated you doesn't mean you aren't strong.

Hyperindependence is one response to abuse. I have it.

I encourage you to keep going. You are very brave, intelligent and honest. You will be OK x

"you apply higher standards to yourself than you expect from others"

That is an astute observation.

Whatever your possible mistakes or things you regret, OP (we all make mistakes, else we couldn't learn from them) he behaved in a scummy way that abused the natural trust that you invested in him because in his social position. That makes his behaviour abusive regardless of anything you felt or did in response.

I bet he told you to keep the affair secret... That wasn't to protect YOU.

Do/Did you feel strong affection for him, is this part of your mixed feelings, that you don't like thinking he was a bad person? It's extremely normal to have strongly mixed feelings towards abusers... they can be the very same people we want to love the most. All these different feelings can be valid at same time.

@Yummypumpkin

Youre taking too much responsibility though.

You are focusing too much on your responsibility and not enough on the care and respect others owe you.

You're not looking at your capacity for responsible decision making given your age and the power dynamics.

In short: you apply higher standards to yourself than you expect from others, I think.

And that in itself needs challenging.

This is helpful...yes maybe I have tended to over focus on what feels like my responsibilities for the situation and less on what responsibility others had. I am also struck by your point about the way I am looking at my own capacity for decision making. I am looking at it as I am now as an adult with the knowledge I have at this age rather than seeing what knowledge I had at 18. I also think you have a point about how my choices / decisions may have been curtailed by the power dynamics. I am going to talk to my therapist about these thoughts this week.

@Yummypumpkin

You do not need to be perfect.

Saying someone mistreated you doesn't mean you aren't strong.

Hyperindependence is one response to abuse. I have it.

I encourage you to keep going. You are very brave, intelligent and honest. You will be OK x

Thank you. I think I need to allow myself to not be perfect. I like the idea that a strong person can also be mistreated, that both things can be true. Hyperindependence definitely rings true for me..I was already that way before this married man mistreated me but it definitely intensified afterwards as I felt very separate from my friends and family because of this big secret I was carrying. I felt like I had changed and people didn't know me anymore and I was living life very much just with myself to rely on. Thank you for your words, they are helping me and I am noting things down to take to therapy this week.

@lljkk

"you apply higher standards to yourself than you expect from others"

That is an astute observation.

Whatever your possible mistakes or things you regret, OP (we all make mistakes, else we couldn't learn from them) he behaved in a scummy way that abused the natural trust that you invested in him because in his social position. That makes his behaviour abusive regardless of anything you felt or did in response.

I bet he told you to keep the affair secret... That wasn't to protect YOU.

Do/Did you feel strong affection for him, is this part of your mixed feelings, that you don't like thinking he was a bad person? It's extremely normal to have strongly mixed feelings towards abusers... they can be the very same people we want to love the most. All these different feelings can be valid at same time.

This is a really helpful way to look at it - his behaviour can be abusive separate to / regardless of anything I did in response. Separating his actions and intentions from mine is something I think might help me. I am going to talk to my therapist about this too. I was thinking about the secrecy and if he explicitly told me it was a secret...I don't think he did to start with but I knew for myself there was no way I could tell anyone because I felt it made me look really bad! After we had sex he said we would both take it to our graves...I am glad I haven't. Of course now with years of distance and adult perspective I can see he had much more to lose than me and he definitely wanted to protect himself and his position. On your last point about feelings - yes I definitely did have really strong feelings at the time for him - I thought I had fallen in love with him! I also remember being confused because what I wanted was for him to be like a father figure and that wasn't quite what he was being. But I liked that we spent time alone together, he listened to me and talked to me and I enjoyed the closeness to someone who was in that authority/father role. I am very aware this aspect relates to the fact my own dad was absent and had been for many years. As for how I feel about him now I think still mixed honestly. I think I would find this more straightforward if I just hated him and thought he was a piece of shit. There were good kind aspects to him and I therefore find it really confusing and jarring to see that he was also an abuser who treated me badly and damaged me in order to get his own needs met. There is a lot of dissonance about that for me. Thank you for your questions and thoughts, they are really helping me and are giving me this to talk through in therapy.