Coming to terms with staying on ADs

[Lindylu74]

Sorry I’m advance for long post. I’ve had anxiety on and off all my life but managed largely without medication mainly through counselling and other support till I was 40. I went on Citalopram for 2 years then came off them a few months after my Dad died (I don’t know what I was thinking) then ended up going back on them about a year later as my anxiety got worse. That was five years ago. I started on 20mg then reduced to 10mg after a couple of years which was fine. Twice in the last two years I’ve tried to come off them as I feel fine when I’m on them. Both times I tapered slowly despite being on a low dose. The first time I got to two weeks being off them and has major anxiety and went back on. Recently I got to nearly three months and the same thing happened. Now back on 10mg. I have a lovely doctor who said to me why do you keep making yourself suffer doing it. And it hit home. I think it’s because I hate the fact that I seem to have to take medication to be normal, I don’t judge anyone else who takes it but when it’s myself, I feel like I’m trying to cheat at life or I’m too weak to manage on my own. Very few people ( my husband, Mum and sister) know I’m on them and I have friends who are very anti taking any medication for anything which I think contributes to me feeling like I want to be off them. Anyone else taking ADs long term and felt like this?

Yes, absolutely!
I have been on citalopram 20mg for about 4 years, but again have struggled with periods of anxiety and depression all my adult life. Like you I have come down to 10mg quite a few times, then have tried to taper down and struggled with withdrawal so have gone back to 20mg.
In October I decided enough was enough and that I was going to come off completely. I followed Drs advice re: tapering and got through physical withdrawal fairly OK. Mid December I had a complete breakdown, became suicidal amd was having daily panic attacks.
I'm now back on 20mg, and am trying to come to terms with being on them forever. I totally empathise with the feeling that I'm cheating at life- everything in my life is lovely, but I'm still not coping. It's really hard isn't it?

My doctor told me no-one would feel this was about being on long term medication for a heart condition, or diabetes or whatever.

It’s not failing, it’s not cheating. It’s accepting we have a debilitating medical condition which can be vastly improved with safe, effective medication.

I think this is a really common feeling although it doesn’t really make sense. If you took medication for Thyroid problems, for example, you wouldn’t stop them or feel any guilt about taking them. I think we need to change our mindset around ADs and forget any “stigma” that’s associated with them. If your body needs something to tick along comfortably then so be it.

Happyface sorry to hear you’ve been through the same thing but it massively helps me to know I’m not alone. Same as you, got through physical withdrawal ok then massive panic attacks, couldn’t sleep. I think I have to try and see it as some kind of chemical imbalance. I just cannot function properly without it.

I need asthma medication daily.
I need anti depressants daily.
Nothing to feel bad about.

Hi! I am going to be on anti depressants for the rest of my life and I feel good about it. Thank god no more trying to cope with withdrawal and knowing inevitably I will have to go back on them when I dip again. It’s absolutely amazing to be released from this rollercoaster. Finding a doctor who agrees with this is a game changer! Please accept this as a real positive - it IS a chemical imbalance and how amazing is it that it can be helped with the right meds? Also please ditch any counsellor/therapist who wants you to come off the meds. They don’t get it. Best wishes.

My dh will be on citalopram 30mg for life. Without it he can’t work and can’t function. It’s no different to taking thyroid medication or any other sort of medication for a deficiency / hormone imbalance.

Me too me too
Although I've been involved with anti depressants for much longer than you.

I came off for a year and had a horrible acute stress episode

Came off just before the pandemic and the kids off school sent me spiralling

Can I just admit as well that on top of having loads of therapy, I am a counsellor, so I often feel a pressure to be sorted

Big group (socially distanced) hug and Pat of self compassion. No one walks in our shoes ....

@Lindylu74

Happyface sorry to hear you’ve been through the same thing but it massively helps me to know I’m not alone. Same as you, got through physical withdrawal ok then massive panic attacks, couldn’t sleep. I think I have to try and see it as some kind of chemical imbalance. I just cannot function properly without it.

Yes, I think seeing it as a chemical imbalance rather than a massive personality defect is the way to go. I'm actually off work at the moment due to December's breakdown, and I just cannot be having time off every time I have a wobble...

Thanks everyone for your posts. I sometimes think I’m the only one who can’t seem to do life without ADs but it really helps to know that there are many of us who need something to balance us out. I’m trying to reframe my thinking and seeing it as a positive. I can’t put myself or my family through the rollercoaster of withdrawal again.

This article (amongst many others) debunks the 'chemical imbalance' theory. The vast majority of drug evaluation and testing worldwide is carried out, or financed, by pharmaceutical companies.

If drugs work for you, then that's good. But drugs can't deal with the underlying reasons for depression or anxiety.

Have a read of Johann Hari's book, the Lost Connection or watch his Ted talk -

www.ted.com/talks/johann_hari_this_could_be_why_you_re_depressed_or_anxious?language=en#t-13342

This may be true but unfortunately makes my anxiety worse as I feel like a failure for not being able to come off them. Right now I need them in order to function so I’m taking them.