Is this Borderline Personality Disorder?

[Twillow]

My adult daughter lives at home and has some unusual behaviours. I know families argue but these are extreme - I often find I don't really know what they were about afterwards. They start with one tiny thing (like her complaining that someone has left toothpaste in the sink - some OCD issues) then explode into everything under the sun. She can be destructive. She throws a lot of insults that are wearing me down - I know I'm not perfect, but she accuses me of causing all her problems. She has a lot of self-esteem issues about her weight and appearance (none of which are justified) and disordered eating.

She holds down a job and everyone outside the house thinks she's wonderful, but at home it's constant walking on eggshells.

For background, I left her abusive father when she was a teenager - worryingly some of his behaviours were very similar, and I've also read that trauma in childhood can contribute to BPD.

Any tips on dealing with this in terms of helping her and keeping my own sanity please?

GP and therapy, nobody on the internet will diagnose a BPD from a short post.
Also, how old is she? Get her to move out if she cannot behave properly l.

I'm not asking for a diagnosis per se, just if this rings any bells.
Maybe I've been managing her behaviour all wrong and made it worse, I don't know. It's very hard.
She is not a bad kid! But the issues are massively disrupting home life as well as her own mental health.
She has had some contact with the GP but past experiences with mental health support have put her off engagement.

It is impossible to know.

From your post it seems that she has low self esteem with regards to her appearance, has disordered eating and gets very angry during arguments where she blames you for her problems. On the positive side, she holds down a job and people like her. There could be numerous explanations for her difficulties. But what makes you think that she may have borderline personality disorder?

She does sound unhappy. Maybe she could speak to a GP or a counsellor? Maybe she needs some help to recover from growing up with an abusive father?

Female autism can present like this: she is masking in her daily life and exploding at home. Eating disorders also a symptom. How did she cope with school?

I would suggest going to the GP with her, with a list of areas of concern, and asking if a referral might be possible. Alternatively, private assessment is an option.

If someone posted about a husband or partner who was a nightmare at home but everyone outside the house thinks (s)he's wonderful I doubt they'd be much talk about mental health issues.

She's an adult and is choosing to be abusive to you and sweet as pie to the outside world. So treat her like an adult and ask her to leave and make her own way. Whether or not you have contributed to her current issues, you can not resolve them for her now, that is her own work. Suggest she seeks therapy and learns to live independently. You can't be her punchbag. That is unreasonable.

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This might be a worthwhile read to see if it fits you situation x

@GladysTheOstrich

Female autism can present like this: she is masking in her daily life and exploding at home. Eating disorders also a symptom. How did she cope with school?

I would suggest going to the GP with her, with a list of areas of concern, and asking if a referral might be possible. Alternatively, private assessment is an option.

I was also going to suggest female autism

She was fine with school until 6th form when marked deterioration and refusal.
I have been to the doctor with her in the past but we're beyond the point of her trusting me with that now.
She has had counselling but it is a temporary help and in arguments she'll say 'the therapist said it's all your fault' (which I doubt a therapist would say).
I need to manage her behaviour better I think. It is improving as I have detached myself more, but it's hard not having a 'normal' relationship (I have other children so the difference is striking).

Hi, sorry you're living like this OP. I'm a mum of an adult child with BPD. My daughter is 20. My daughter was diagnosed 2 years ago and she and we are all in therapy to support her recovery. We are well acquainted with the illness and part of a network of carers.
In total honesty to you, yes, from what you describe she may have BPD. But as pp have said it's a proper psychiatrist assessment that's needed.
The disorder comes in many guises. It is perfectly feasible for someone with histrionic BPD to hold down a job, appear like an Angel with colleagues. However, the situation unravels with loved ones. They tend to have few if any close friends and the emotional disregulation that's bubbling away under the surface will be acted out in episodes with family etc.
Maladaptive behaviours which are common with BPD are eating disorders (binge,purge,anorexia), self harm, drugs/alcohol, risky sex etc. Impulsivity often risky is a symptom- fast driving, self harm etc. The sufferer feels a deep, profound emptiness, lack of self worth, insecurity and fear of abandonment. Triggers for episodes are often social / family is rapid cyclings (ie within one day) as opposed to bipolar.
My own daughter has 'quiet BPD' and is a very functional person. The disorder is much maligned and sadly stigmatised and misunderstood by society.
Causes are very biological/genetic, sometimes trauma but not always, and possibly parenting style. No one thing is responsible and YOU must never feel this is your fault.
The good news is that BPD is highly treatable with hard work and therapy. People will always be highly sensitive but can live a good life with therapy. The gold standard therapy recommended by NICE in the UK is DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy). Some NHS trusts within the United Kingdom do offer DBT with a diagnosis. It is highly effective.
Interaction within the home really helps too. The key word I'm going to tell you is Validation. Very best thing you can do to improve communication with your daughter is to validate her feelings.This is very different from validating the content of what she's saying (which frankly could be bullshit) but it's simply replaying back the emotion which she is trying to convey to you in her mood.
Do also take a giant step back from her and stop fixing. Nobody can fix anyone with BPD....they have to fix themselves.
If you have a second if you're interested please drop me a DM and I'd be delighted to try and introduce you to a warm and welcoming Facebook community of carers for people who are in your situation, feel very isolated and need insight, intelligence and support.

Sorry....I just wanted to add a quick suggestion on dealing with the insults and accusations which I hope will support you straight away with the nastyness that you're facing ....
Example with the toothpaste.
"X I can hear that you're really frustrated at seeing a dirty basin. I get it. I understand you like to find stuff clean. The truth is we have to function in a house where others live and stuff gets used. When you speak to me in insulting terms I will not engage with you at all and the discussion is over. We can talk again when you refer to me in respectful terms. I acknowledge your feelings and need to express those feelings. I cannot talk to you if you address me in insulting terms"
Should the situation deteriorate to ongoing verbal or physical threats or abuse please think about your living arrangements. Many people with BPD do better and face recovery living away from family.

Have sent DM response Twillow

Did she have any support when your marriage ended? If your husband was abusive then she experienced abuse too. Have a look at CPTSD, and if it is that, remember she is the victim of abuse, she doesn't have a disordered personality.

(I'd also echo the comments about autism. It's not unusual to start showing in females in their late teens, despite being there all along.)