Anger issues/post natal anxiety?

[Darklava09]

I feel I need to post somewhere to get it off my chest.

I’ve always suffered with a temper and anger issues. I find I can take so much and just explode and sometimes over trivial things.
I found my aggression started after I had my first child almost 10 years ago.

I’ve worked on myself a lot since then and had several rounds of CBT and in general are a lot more calmer. I’ve never took medication at all.

I had another baby a few months ago now and I’ve found when tired mainly my fuse is a lot shorter which in a sense I know is normal being more irritable when tired. But I feel this rage build in me when I’m frustrated with the baby and I can feel my jaw clenched. Sometimes he isn’t even crying it’s just he’s fussing or not going to sleep and I can feel myself getting frustrated and I have to contain myself.
This has started to worry me as I’m thinking one day what happens if I lost it and hurt him.

I know I love him and wouldn’t intentionally hurt him but when I feel this anger build I have to really think about what I’m doing. And this worries me all it takes is one mistake or one accident.

I have suffered on and off with anxiety and it’s a lot worse at the moment as he’s been quite poorly and hard work. I am constantly worried about his health and then this can be exacerbated when I’m tired.
When we have good days I notice my anxiety isn’t there but when he’s ill I can literally feel my anxiety rise, I feel tearful and don’t want to be here and feel like I’m not good enough to do it and be his mom.

Growing up I had an abusive childhood so I don’t want the same for my children. I don’t want to be the mom who shouts and looses her temper all the time. I don’t want to feel this rage build and I want to be able to not feel this way. I don’t know where to start or what to do?

Please help.

This was me a year ago. I spoke to my health visitor and she put me through the right connections, i ended up having CBT and EMDR therapy. The emdr really got to the route of the anger problems (also due to abusive childhood) please contact your HV. Hugs to you, i know how hard it is

Do you have anyone who could help you? Give you a break so you can take some time for yourself?

@washingfiasco where can I get a referral for the EMDR?

@RedRobyn2021 yes I live with my partner but he works full time. He’s currently poorly so I’ve been doing all the night stuff whereas usually I get some help. Other than that it’s just us really I don’t get much help nor do I trust many people to look after him.

Yes do seek therapy. I'm so sorry about your childhood but the honesty in your post reveals someone who would be really open to therapy I reckon. The mere fact that you are so concerned about your anger getting out of hand will probably stand as a preventative to you acting out in the way you fear but you do need to address it as it won't get better without airing out the past. Good luck, you can do this!

@coffeeisthebest thank you. I have had cbt and I do find it useful and I’ve had it a few times when I feel myself slipping with anxiety.
But clearly I need something else for the anger. It doesn’t happen all the time or often and I can control it a lot better now than I used to but I need to do something as I shouldn’t feel this agitated over such small things as a baby not going back to sleep.

One min I’m ok and let’s say my eldest is arguing with his dad or not listening and it’s ongoing I just feel this rage I can shout so loud. His dad hates it and often it’s not needed and what does it achieve? Right after I regret it and hate that I’ve done it. So I know it’s wrong but yet I literally cannot control it sometimes.

Eugh I hate it. My 9 year old has aggressive outbursts when pushed and I blame myself because he’s clearly seen it off me and the cycle continues

I suffered from post natal rage. The only thing that helped was lexapro.

I’ve suffered with post natal rage, it’s also linked to my cycle and it happens mostly during my luteal phase. I couldn’t control it and I end up shouting and screaming. I’ve recently started SSRI antidepressants during those two weeks and the change has been immense.

I was so scared to take anything for a long time (I did try CBT but it didn’t work) and the guilt because I could have stopped this ages ago is huge but I just have to move on and do better now.

@MynameisJune interesting as I notice mine also based heavily around my cycle and my partner also notices and can tell what day I am in my cycle in respect of my mood

@Darklava09, yes it's uncomfortable and horrible to feel continuously on the edge and angry. Honestly I don't think CBT will cut it as you need to go deeper to look at where your anger stems from and direct it back where it should be. Your reactions to your child may be completely out of proportion to what is required in the situation, kids are just being kids after all, we are the ones who rage and shout at them when they are not doing what we expect. We also live in a culture that still condones shouting and also hitting children so you need to be prepared to challenge what you have learnt about raising children if you really want to change this. The ball is in your court. Good luck!

@coffeeisthebest no I agree I don’t think cbt will work I just don’t know what else is out there.

The thing is I know exactly where my anger stems from and why I have it. It’s how I was raised and process things.

What makes it worse is I work in a job where I help other people parent and give them parenting advice and I feel like the biggest fraud. That’s the thing when children are acting like children and doing what children or babies do. Of course they won’t sleep etc and I know this and get it but then to feel the anger I do, is quite frankly embarrassing and I’m disgusted with myself.

I think what bothers me is I am self aware so I don’t hit my children but I don’t like how I sometimes respond verbally or shout and go from 0-100. I don’t want my kids walking on egg shells like I had to.

@darklava09, oh ok I hear you. So from my own experience in therapy I would say there is a VAST difference in understanding your past and actually experiencing what wounded you as a child. A few years ago I would have written exactly as you had, I understand my history yet I feel like a fraud and I get so angry at my kids and don't understand why. It has only been through long term integrative therapy with a counsellor who could stop me intellectualising everything and really sit in my own history. I don't know if that sounds like bollocks, but all I do know is that my background of rage has been vastly diminished, my children no longer evoke deep uncontrollable anger that was never theirs but mine to begin with, and also I can write to you now without feeling like a total hypocrit. I have a lot of stuff still to look at in other areas but my kids are not on the receiving end of my childhood wrath anymore. They have boundaries but I don't implement them with rage. That is a huge difference for me and has eased a truck load of guilt. I hope you can try and find some therapy just to allow you to live more authentically with your family and within your job.

Also, bear in mind that your kids aren't having your childhood and the mere fact you are concerned and aware will hopefully mean they don't need to walk on eggshells around you. They will pick up on your compassion and self awareness. Make sure you are supremely kind to yourself for now, you sound like you are going through a lot. x