New partner - I have serious MH issues

[OutbackQueen]

I’ve been single for a decade, late 50s and have given up on finding a partner. Someone’s come along; he seems kind, caring and I really think we might have a future together. However I suffer with serious mental health issues (namely anxiety/health anxiety) which can be debilitating and stop me from functioning.

I want to give him the heads up before something happens and he thinks it’s his fault ( which it won’t be). Should I say something now or wait until it becomes obvious, which it will sooner or later as I’m really quite ill. I’m getting as much help as I can by the way and have been for years but so far nothing’s worked. I also have alcohol problems and want to stop drinking. I want to tell him that a supportive partner would really help me but is this too much to put on him when we’ve only known eachother a few months?

He needs to know. I'm sorry you have poor MH but that really impacts on others, as will the alcoholism. You cannot rely on him to be your saviour, you need to be functioning at the best you possibly can be to enter into a relationship. Otherwise one or both of you will be hurt.

Sorry it's probably not what you want to hear.

No it is what I want to hear @Puffalicious. He’s told me he wants to be in a relationship where we’re there for eachother when we’re not well so maybe I should see if he means it? He’s already had two strokes himself and I know that I’d be there for him in a heartbeat if he was physically unwell. There’s such a stigma about MH though....

Yes, there is a terribly unfair stigma about MH. But if he's going to be a shit about it, better to find out now and not when you are in crisis. And if he is accepting, much better to explain to him how it manifests and what he can do to help you when you are calm and feeling strong.

As far as the alcohol, that is a road you must walk alone. You cannot expect a partner, even a supportive one, to stop you from drinking. You have to be able to do that by yourself and for yourself. And that's something you can start today, by seeking medical and psychological help and by going to AA, LifeRing, or another support group.

Are you getting any help for your alcoholism and your mental health issues?
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And listen, I hate to sound like a skeptic, but after having two strokes, just be sure that he is not looking for a future 'caretaker' should he become really unwell rather than a full and equal partner.

You have a duty to protect yourself.

Thank you, yes have been snd still am trying to get help for the anxiety but nothing seems to work. I know the alcoholism us something I have to deal with myself. He’s very fit now and I don’t get the impression at all that ge’s looking for a future caretaker.

@AcrossthePond55

And listen, I hate to sound like a skeptic, but after having two strokes, just be sure that he is not looking for a future 'caretaker' should he become really unwell rather than a full and equal partner.

You have a duty to protect yourself.

This! Be careful.

Sorry but if he’s had 2 strokes he shouldn’t be getting stressed. I don’t think it’s fair on him or you. Could you get help first and then start dating.

The stopping drinking is fully your side you can’t expect support and he can’t give it . Only you know when and if you want to stop it. Start by going to AA and go from there.

I don’t think it’s fair to expect him to take on the supportive partner role as yet, but he should be aware of it so that he doesn’t centre our dates around going to the pub etc and can help you to find healthier ways to spend your time together, getting out for walks etc to help your MH and his physical fitness too.

I think it’s important to put it out there before you’re in a crisis and need his support otherwise he will be blindsided by it. Try and be aware of yourself and give him plenty of warning if you feel yourself going downhill so that he knows how you could use some support. But also let him know that you are 100% responsible for your own health and are trying to sort it out, with or without him, and that his presence in your life would only be to enhance it, that he doesn’t owe you anything (until you’ve been together many years of course, at which point you’d hope you both owe each other some care and compassion).

That’s a lovely post @RoyKentsChestHair. We have dogs and walking is his passion so we try and do that everyday. I really do want to stay out of the pub....