I am not okay but I don’t think anyone else really realises. I apologise that this will be longish post.
The last few months have been extremely hard as I have a primary age child who has been refusing school, has severe anxiety and has now started having non-epileptic seizures. (This means they are a caused by psychological factors rather than being caused by neurological factors.)
We are on waitlist for CAHMS, and ASD pathway (both with very long waits) and also have paediatric neurology and physiotherapist apts booked on NHS (which were both cancelled at short notice, so I don’t know when they will be rearranged)
I already paid privately for one neurology apt - when the seizures first started - and intended to put ADHD assessment on credit card for my DD, but now can’t afford to have her assessed for both ASD and ASHD and can’t afford to pay for the “wrong one” and then be told she needs to be assessed for the other, so am in limbo there really..
Little support from school, they play down her difficulties (and I think they would prefer her not to have any diagnosis as they don’t want provide extra support for her.) She used to mask well there but not so much since September.
I have been in touch with IPSEA and am going to request EHCP assessment. Have also got the forms for DLA.
Anyway, that is a brief outline of the stressors recently. I also have 3 other DC who don’t have SEN but still need attention. They are worried after seeing their sister having seizures, so actually need more from me than ever at the moment, which is hard to give as I spend a lot of time dealing with DD’s meltdowns and anxieties.
One is a teenager doing A-levels who needs face to face time to support him with homework, as well as the various clubs and activities and daily life for the others.
I work 3 days a week in a job that it is quite emotionally and mentally demanding. I was trying to juggle this for months around my daughters illness and apts and ended up having a week off before Christmas as she wasn’t in school at all. I am behind on work.
There is no-one else there to pick up my work if I am not there and that means vulnerable people will be let down. Some of my work is tutoring, they don’t have anyone else to teach my subject.
I am so tired. I have a diagnosis of bipolar type 2 and also of ADHD.
My mental health has been really stable for 4 years, on medication. I think that everyone around me, including my husband and my own family, forget about my own mental health issues and also assuming I am okay, as I appear to cope very well even when I am not. It was like that before though, people can’t tell when I am low as I hide it well and I ended up having a complete breakdown last time.
I cannot even think straight with regard to the upcoming week. I don’t know how it will go with getting her into school, or if it will set off the seizures again - which have calmed over the last week.
The school SENCO is hard work and every conversation with her feels like a invisible. battle. Her insinuation is that my DD is “fine” in school and I need to stop worrying (she really isn’t fine at all!)
I need to chase up the apts, find out what is happening with CAHMS, fill the DLA form in, set up a camera in her bedroom ( as she has tried to get out of the window/front door during episodes) and all the other things on my list.
Work are supportive in a “I hope everything is okay with your daughter” way, but also with a “this needs to be submitted by this date and can’t be late” reminder. I am on a zero hours contract but would be eligible for SSP.
We could get through the month financially (just) if I got signed off - all I want to do is sleep, but I can’t sleep as I am worrying all night long.
I just can’t figure out how I can do my job and cope with everything else, but I think I will really be burning my bridges career wise if I get signed off at this stage. I don’t care so much about that long-term actually, but I care about what will happen to my students if I am not there.
The way I feel just feels so so similar to the way I felt when I broke mentally four years ago, and I don’t what it to happen again, I just can’t see a way forward right now and I don’t want to admit to anyone how little I am actually coping.