It feels like every choice I make, no matter how long I think about it turns out wrong. Lately it feels too much.
Single mum, one kid and we were in a social housing bedsit. It was a really nice area, quiet, friendly but far away from family and too small. Moved to a two bed near family, thought it was the right thing. It's felt horrible though. There's been many problems with the house that I wasn't aware of but I keep fixing and think tomorrow will be better.
It's also infested with mice. So I call pest control, he puts some poison food down. And i think great, I made the right choice. The mice are getting worse though and now nesting by my bed. I can hear them all night and the man isn't coming back until new years. I blocked up the holes but the poison food doesn't seem to do anything, it's got worse since the poison. They say the whole house needs to be done, but can't do it unless all tenants report it. I just moved in, I don't want to offend the other tenants by saying didn't you notice the massive vermin problem.
They've been nice to me when I bump into them and the one I haven't met yet left me an Xmas card saying looking forward to meeting us. I don't want to fuck it up.
Anyway, I have bad mental health issues on top of all this and had to quit the CBT to move here. I feel like I'm sliding down now. My agoraphobia has been bad and I didn't leave the house since 23rd. Said to myself this isn't okay you need to make your steps and get you both out of the house. So walked to the park, feeling good, feeling I'm making a good choice. Kid says he wants food so we head for the main road. It's okay, it's busy but it's not far, you can do it.
Kid keeps trying to go in the road so I stop and tell him firmly to stop pulling towards the road. Old lady in front of us starts mumbling, so I think she needs help or I startled her. I say to her 'sorry? Are you okay?' then I hear what she is saying. 'too many black people, this country used to be only white people' (I'm mixed race). I just keep walking. Now anxiety is through the roof, we're nearly at the shop though and kid will be so happy to get a treat.
Shop wasn't so bad apart from the manager nearly knocking me over to check I'm not stealing shower gel.
Back on our street the neighbours that are always weird about parking are staring at me the whole time putting their stuff in their boot. I guess they know I'm going to move my car to outside my door when they leave. Yes I will. It's already been broken into and had my emergency coat stolen out of it. I want it outside my door and you can put your car outside your door. It makes sense. But now that's probably the wrong choice too. Park your car where you can see it and piss off the neighbours or park your car where you can't see it and have insurance getting shirty if something happens to it.
Get home and find a removals business card wedged in my doorbell. I don't know who I've managed to piss off now but now I can't stand it anymore. I feel like I just can't make a good choice. I don't want to decide anything anymore because I keep fucking it up. I wish I'd never gone out today. Then I wouldn't have moved the car, I wouldn't have heard the racist mumbles, I wouldn't have been stressed and panicky, I wouldn't have seen the removals card. If it wasn't for my kid I wouldn't go out again for a long time. I would just sit in here and let the world go around. I hate having to be part of this whole big thing that I don't understand and everyone else just gets. Everything is a massive dilemma for me and things keep going wrong. I don't want to piss anyone off, I just want to go through each day with the minimal amount of interaction and then it might, just might, not go wrong.
I'm just rambling and I haven't even got a question I just need to express this somewhere that's not my head. This isn't even everything but it's just today. Idk what to do about the mice. I'm not scared of mice but I'm terrified that they're going to bring fleas or cock roaches or something. I found mouse poo in the toy cupboard so I've put all the toys up high, cleaned and in storage boxes. Now my kid has to ask for his toys, I hate it. I've found it on the carpet so I'm hoovering over and over again because Idk how to stop a toddler playing on the floor. I put down the mat but he won't stay on it and I'm fed up of washing it. It's really hard to sleep with hearing them under the floor but my bed can't go anywhere else at the moment. It makes me not want to eat, thinking that I'm living in mouse poo. I'm just rewashing and bleaching stuff every time I find more. I'm so fed up with washing the same stuff. I will have to talk to the other tenants but I know it'll piss them off, they're going to hate me. They probably already do though, I can't think of who else would leave the card.
My mum keeps telling me to bring the cat back to mine but he's never caught a thing in his life. I'm sure if I bring him he'll make friends with the mice, they'll eat his food and he'll eat the poison. I just know it will go wrong.
I know I need to go back on the waiting list for help. I just wanted to have a rest of the constant CBT and oh you're still not better then you must try harder. I just obviously don't CBT good enough because it's been 20 fucking years and I'm still shit at life.
Sorry it's so long. Thanks for letting me say this somewhere.