Don't want this life

[maybeimjustlikemymother]

I'm finding everything so relentlessly depressing. I think I regret having DD, who is coming up two years old, even though I love her. I had post natal depression (and long-standing depression and anxiety/possibly bipolar 2 before I even got pregnant).

Christmas and New Year always leave me feeling low but today I am really not coping. Cried on and off all day. Partner has looked after DD. We are both finding her behaviour challenging at the moment (constant tantrums) and I keep thinking it's because I'm a shit depressed mum. Just got to get through until her bedtime and then what? I get to cook a meal for DH before he goes out for the evening and I cry in bed. I'm lucky in so many ways but right now I hate my life.

I don't have any advice, I'm sorry. What I will say though is that 2 year olds are so hard. I have 3 year old (now much easier than when she was 2) and due to covid we've been apart. While I wouldn't admit this in real.life I have loved the break. Is there any way you could have a regular break?
I'd also talk to a GP in the new year. Maybe medication/counselling would be the way to go and give you a fresh start.

I completely understand how you feel and you're not alone! Children are the best but at the same time it's scary knowing you have choice but to bring them up now, no matter how much you love them. You're not a shit mom and even though you are depressed, you are aware of your thoughts and feelings and that really is something to be proud of. You're doing so great and I'm sorry you feel the way you do right now. I feel the exact same a lot of the time. Is it a regular occurrence that you stay in looking after your DD while your partner goes out? X

Wait, what? You're this low, and still expected to cook a meal and he's waiting for you hurry it up do he can go bugger off?

I learned this in Mumsnet a Loooonnnng time ago: "never accept a diagnosis of depression without first ensuring you're not surrounded by assholes."

If you could cure yourself any way you wanted (don't think about others) how would it be? I'm not saying do it, but it'll give you a starting thought.

NB: all children, no matter the age, pick up on their primary caregiver's moods. The VERY best thing you could do for her is to de-stress.

I wasn't a depressed Mum but mine still had mega tantrums. It's a developmental phase.

You're doing brilliantly. Especially since you have had to cope PND and other anxiety type conditions which means your brain chemicals make it more challenging for you to function optimally.

In short you are a survivor!

Now there are a variety of things that may help. Your GP should be able to provide/signpost you towards some of them. Just a next step.

Years from now you will look back and congratulate yourself on getting through this difficult bit of your life.

Thanks for the replies

We've been together for 10 years and I've always struggled with my mental health on and off yet at the same time I'm very productive and successful and keep my shit together for the most part (even if I'm dying inside and using not so healthy ways of coping).

DH believes I will always "get through" these lows so he minimises them. He does his best to be supportive but he comes from a family where emotions aren't talked about and people certainly don't have mental health issues ("toughen up girl"- actual words from my MIL). Therefore I think he tries to turn a blind eye or just tell me to "rest" even when this isn't practically possible. He is getting better and did at least offer to stay home tonight but I wanted him to go and have some fun.

Honestly, right now my cure would be to coparent (eg split) and then I could use childcare more without the expectation that all my non working time (I work full time as a healthcare professional) is spent parenting. But I don't think I really want to separate.

I'm seeing a private psychiatrist next week for a medication review as Prozac (fluoxetine) isn't helping anymore. I've taken some diazepam tonight and that has helped.

I agree about children picking up on their parents emotions - I know a fair amount about attachment and the concepts of "mirror neurons" and emotional co-regulation so I feel tremendously guilty about what my depressive episodes are doing to my little girl's nervous system. I think I shield her from it usually but today she was definitely picking up on my stress.

@glimpsing Our posts crossed! Thank you so much for the encouragement and positivity 😚

You're very welcome. Happy to help.