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Original poster

I NEED A CHANGE... IM GETTING TIRED OF CRYIN N SCREAMIN

37 replies

jewel121 · 21/12/2007 20:37

I am scared!!!!!!!!! Ive heard its good to talk. Ive tried im constantly talking. Today i walked out on my son. I actually left! Dont ask me where i was going.I dont even know. All i know is i was cold and tired of him seeing me cry. The saddest part of it was before i vene lfet i looked in my phone book, to cry for help. And NO ONE not one person picked up and not a real friend to even cry to and ask for help. I just wanted my son to escape for a few hours away from the flat and the darkness where facing at the moment. The other day the balifs came, my son started to cry, he was scared they'd break the door down. I mean how useless am i as a mohter my 5yr trying to make things better but he cant, i should be protecting him. Up till last monday i was packing some stuff as we were being evicted. I dont know if im coming or going...no 5yr old has to face what my son faces. We ran out of electric the other day, we had to light up some candles, i tried my best to make him comfortable but i can see the stress in his eyes. I havent even bought him one christmas present. Today i had £7 pounds, and i went to iceland, tears runnin down my cheeks as i bought food for today. In 3 weeks time i face sentencing. I might be serveing time... never been in trouble before i got caught up with bad ppl, to get me and my son out of a financial situation. How can i be strong today when i dont know how to be strong. Ive been sick for so long i dont know anything else. I have mum, and im glad i have a mum but shes not there... like she should. I have no other family that lives in this country. Ive lived a life that could write many books, i just want a better life for my son and I. The tablets do what they can, but on bad days i dont even feel them. Someone in my last reply said im crying for help, and if i recieve help why isnt it working. Well i dont know...

OP posts:
evelina · 21/12/2007 22:57

did a v quick google search myself and the following came up;
www.roundtable.co.uk (for Area 17 London N/E)
www.rotarygoldersgreen.org.uk (for north london rotary)
www.childrenincrisis.org.uk (no idea what this one is as didn't have time to look at site).
You have actually done some good yourself tonight jewel, as I am currently sitting with about 4 boxes of food (not fresh) in my car boot left over from my round table deliveries which I was planning to find a home for at some point in next few days (after my "urgent" xmas jobs done/tidying up house etc) which will now become my number one job tomorrow to deliver.

Original poster
jewel121 · 21/12/2007 23:06

thanks im going to try that search.

OP posts:
evelina · 21/12/2007 23:27

have to go to bed now. Really hope you get a good night's sleep and a bit of a break from it all. There are plenty of good people out there who would love to help you out. Hope you don't get too many knock backs. You've made me shed a tear tonight as well. Give you lo a big cuddle- well done for being open and asking for help x

Original poster
jewel121 · 21/12/2007 23:27

I just want to say thanks for the ppl who helped me share my story today. I have an illness called depression like but if i can share my story and help others with stories similar to mine then i can take each day at a time. Its nice to know ppl care and even though nothing physically changed today, i know i have mumsnet to open up my scars and wounds to and no one can judge me. Thanks all. I dred the morning but hope the morning is brighter than today.

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LolaTheShowgirl · 22/12/2007 01:48

Hi Jewel, I don't know what to say to help except hang on in there. You sound like a lovely mum...if you weren't, you wouldn't have come here asking for help. Remember that every day is different and it won't always be like this. How are you for money now? Do you have enough for food for you and your boy?

cassiegemini · 22/12/2007 09:33

Hi Jewel, I said I'd come back last night but I couldn't, sorry.

The idea of contacting a church is a great one and I really hope you are able to get some immediate help. Keep posting.

You were dreading the morning but I hope it's not turned out too bad for you.

curlywurlywee · 22/12/2007 13:07

Hi Jewel, still thinking of you and hope your day is brighter and you have got some help from the church/charities. Wish I could help you myself but too far away. However, we are all here for you to talk to. Depression is a horrible thing - I've suffered from it too and so have many other mumsnetters. Hope your little boy is OK and that you find some kind of peace between you. You will come through this eventually and I know it's easier said than done but hang on in there. Best wishes and hugs to you and your ds.

evelina · 22/12/2007 15:05

yes, hoping for the best for you and your lo as well jewel

Original poster
jewel121 · 22/12/2007 15:49

hi all... well today started off really bad! I didnt sleep too good. I wanted to burn the flat down. i stayed up till 6am talking myself out of it. I talk to myself a lot... hmmm seems to help! Im feeling 'nothing' today. I called a few services including helplines. I havent heard nothing from the rotary. I have jus managed to get a bath...im glad about that! The rest of the day is unknown to me yet... im jus trying to hang in there.

OP posts:
curlywurlywee · 23/12/2007 18:47

So sorry your day is not going so well. I hope you've heard from the charities by now. If not, walk into your local church. So glad you didn't give into your temptation to burn down your flat! Have you tried ringing the Samaritans? They are really great at listening. How are things now? Thinking of you still.

evelina · 23/12/2007 21:06

Still thinking of you as well jewel. Definitely just walk into a church over the christmas period if nothing else has turned up. They will be busy but at least it will get you and your ds out of the flat. And I agree with curly about the Samaritans.

Original poster
jewel121 · 04/01/2008 23:13

Happy new year! I can actually write happy as thats the emotions i feel right now. The chistmas wasnt great, far from! But ive decided to make 2008 a year of victory for me and my son. I have had no physical changes made happen,...but ive woken up with a new outlook on things. I found a friend... Jesus! I know some people are cynical but its been 4 days and im smiling! The past yr i went through was hell on earth. I know i wasnt the only one. I know there will be days when i feel low, and feel like crying and feel alone. But i can now talk to God and cry to him. Well...anyways it makes me feel better. Thank you everyone for your help and advice! Sometimes we face such dark times, its hard to see the light at the other end of the tunnel, i know i couldnt! But the important thing is i made it through. I know the journey is not over yet but this battle is won. As i didnt succeed in ending my life. I am taking each day one step at a time! I have life, i have a beautiful son, i have his love...im blessed! Everyday i think of something positive and add to the list.
Jewelxx

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