How do I keep going?

[Mysterweepinata]

Have been feeling low for over a year now with PND.
Had cbt last spring which helped a bit but last few months have been absolutely awful. I’ve made so many stupid mistakes and I think I’ve got the point I’ve ruined my life irreparably. I’m 49 with three kids - two of which have special needs and one who is 18 months. We shouid not have had a third baby and I feel so guilty for bringing a little life into the world when I can’t be the calm, happy, relaxed mum I ought to be.

I think about suicide every day even though I know it would be a horrible selfish thing to do to my DP and children. I’m so tired I don’t want to feel anything anymore… I just want to drift away into nothingness. I used to have hopes and dreams but now I just see my life as one long trudge. I can’t see how things are going to get better. Everyone in my life needs something from me on what feels like a constant basis. I don’t have friends or relatives that can help - in fact the remaining parent I do have is elderly and needs me more and more. How the heck do I get through this?

I'm sorry you're so unhappy and that you have so much to contend with - I'm in a similar place, mentally but I have far less on my plate, so let me just say you're doing an amazing job! Have you spoken to your doctor about antidepressants?

Does your DP know how you're feeling?

Please contact your GP tomorrow morning. It sounds like you have a huge amount to contend with, but even so life doesn't have to feel like this.

Thank you notgettingbetter. I’ve not been prescribed anything other than CBT to date but yes I need to ask for more help. Im unsure about how candid I shouid be with the doctor … what will happen if I talk about feeling suicidal? Im terrified (maybe irrationally) of being committed.

That sounds awful. Really, really tough situation.
You poor thing OP. I hope your GP can help.

No you won't be committed. But they might well give you medication.

Sarahlou - yes DP is aware and trying to help. He wants me to see a doctor and is trying to help but he works quite a full on job and there’s only so much he can do. Part of the stress I’m going through is money related so It’s vital that he does well at work and keeps his job.

Thank you for the lovely comments … in everyday lufe I feel so stupid and unlovable … having you treat me with such kindness is making me cry!

Please speak to your GP about your suicidal tboughts. You won't be

Do be honest with the GP. It takes a lot more than expressing suicidal thoughts to be sectioned. You are not stupid and unloveable! Sending you a big hug ❤️

Sorry...won't be sectioned as you haven't made plans to end your life. Antidepressants can give you a boost so that you are in a better place to be able to work out how to make things better longer term.

I also don't have family to help out. And my partner has none which makes him feel trapped.

I had PND and it can be debilitating. You sound as though you have so much on your plate. Definitely go to the doctor and tell them exactly how you’re feeling. They will likely prescribe you medication - I was given antidepressants and it made such a difference, just took away that feeling of helplessness and desperation. You are doing a great job - having young children is exhausting and often thankless, but your kids love you. It’s probably impossible to see it now but it will get better if you seek help. And keep talking - either on here, to your DP, friends, etc.

OP this sounds so tough. Feeling for you What ages are your older children, and what are their needs? My two both have additional needs too, and it is exhausting.

Echo everyone who has mentioned asking the GP for antidepressants. My goodness they are one of the best medicines ever invented. Do tell the GP just how bad things are, they need to know

I’m ashamed to say recently I have started to resent my poor mum … I find it very stressful trying to sort out her life admin while juggling the needs of a very active toddler at the same time … then I feel guilty as I would be far more able to care for her if I hadn’t had a baby last year… I’m trying to convince her to get a daily carer but she doesn’t feel she’s at that stage yet 😩

Joobley- Oder kids are 13 and 10 so massive age gap! They are both ASD … fairly high functioning but meal times are stressful (very picky eaters) I end up cooking 3-4 different meals to accommodate everyone, they need a lot of help with school work / organizing themselves and their personal hygiene habits need a lot of overseeing… eldest will happily sit on PlayStation and wet himself if he is not reminded to go .

It doesn't seem that you are in any position to be helping with your mother's care. She will need to make her own arrangements.
But you may need to be very honest with your family about how you are feeling, including mental illness so that they are more understanding and can make arrangements for themselves instead of the responsibility being yours - because you are not well and you can not do it right now.

Thanks Booty … the boys have seen my crying lately and I have told them that I’m really tired… I don’t know how much to say without making them anxious. I need to have a conversation with my mum you are spot on. I have historically covered up my feelings to try to protect her (she has anxiety issues) bit I’m not strong enough to carry that burden anymore.

You need to prioritise your DC and mental health and step back from your DM. Kindly, her wants come low down your list and any parent worth their salt would surely not allow their busy adult DC with families of their own to run round after them indefinitely?! That sounds harsh. But you do have a choice to make life a little easier. You and your DC come first.
Would getting away/returning to work help? It saved me, and I didn't have PND!

Op, you need to speak to your gp and be absolutely honest about how you are feeling. Antidepressants can be transformative and start to work in a couple of weeks.
As well as that can you afford a few hours babysitting/ au pair a week? Even 2 hours to go out by yourself with a music or a podcast on and just walk somewhere pretty? Or go out with a girlfriend without kids for an hour or two?
I completely sympathise I have 3 with ASD youngest is 10 so not a toddler. We are similar ages.
Could you use some tech ( reminders on Alexa?) to remind the older ones to pee etc.
Re food cheat as much as you can, prepared mash/ veg, some nursery teas( beans on toast/ toasties with carrot) stuff all the kids will eat. It doesn’t have to be perfect, good enough is enough !
Teach the older ones one job, bathroom cleaning or hoovering and pay them in tokens for their favourite game.
Big hugs from me, keep posting xxxxxx

No advice but wanted you to know you're not alone in having these thoughts. My situation is very different but I have these thoughts most days and they're fairly constant at the moment. I'm going to phone my GP tomorrow, will you do the same?

@Mysterweepinata I understand what you mean about your older two needing a lot of support with eating, homework, hygiene etc. and making 3-4 meals, agh this is so tiring isn't it, trying to accommodate everyone.

As a pp said, if all the kids will eat toasties, then do that for tea. (But realise they might not all eat toasties, mine don't.)

Because of different food restrictions with my kids, we now have a weekly meal plan which is designed so the meals can be served up "unconstructed " and people construct a meal out of it as they want/can.

Eg on Mon it's pasta night: we put a bowl of cooked plain pasta on table, with pasta sauce in a jug, bowl of grated cheese, bowl of cherry tomatoes and garlic bread. Kids eat the bits they can, DH and I eat everything.

We do same on other nights based around rice / baked potatoes etc. Always have bread of some kind on table.

Sounds a faff but it's been a game changer for us, has completely removed the mental load of trying to decide what to cook.