Could someone help me let go of all this anxiety

[Fluffyunicorn1]

I need help with channeling my anxiety. I’ve tried cbt and it was useless. I don’t want to take medication because I want to be able to overcome this and not mask it.

I have general anxiety.

As a child I didn’t dare do wrong and my mum was what I recognise now as emotionally abusive. When I was naughty she wouldn’t talk to me or anything just ignore me. I remember just crying and begging her to speak to me and she wouldn’t. It made me a people pleaser. I never wanted to get into trouble so I only did things I knew would make her happy. My own happiness suffered through my teenage years because I never did anything because she didn’t like me to.

When I was 17 I met my ex had a baby at 18 and another at 23. My ex was extremely abusive. Being a people pleaser I constantly wanted to please him and I tried everything. Nothing was ever good enough. It was emotionally abusive which turned physical after our second child was born. I ended up with a restraining order and he’s not aloud to see the children. His mum made the whole process 10 times harder by defending him and constantly trying to convince me he was a changed man etc.

Fast forward 2 years and I have a good job (something I was never aloud before) I passed my driving test and bought a car. Me and my girls have an amazing life.

Why can’t I get rid of this anxiety? I worry about finances. Probably because I was never aloud access to money or my own money so I’m terrified of not having money for food etc even though there’s no logical reason why I wouldn’t.

I lost my Nan unexpectedly almost 5 years ago and since then I’ve had panic attacks quite regularly. A lot of my anxiety has since then focused on my health. Everything little is so much bigger.

I’m 29 I shouldn’t be worrying about various cancers and god knows what else I should be living.

I think some of it may be hormonal as i seem to be extra anxious around the middle of the month. I’ve tried to combat this by taking the pill but it doesn’t seem to have helped I still get all the the same pmt symptoms.

I just want to feel better. I do a Damon good job at hiding it day to day. Nobody knows I suffer I literally do suffer in silence. Not that I really have anyone to talk to about it anyway.

How do I make it stop?

It sounds like you’ve had to show a lot of strength to get to the successful place you are at in your life, and doing what you’ve done, on your own, will have taken its toll. There’s nothing wrong with that. That everything you’ve had to cope with is manifesting in anxiety does not mean that you aren’t a strong person.

Plenty of strong, capable, people take at least some medication to deal with anxiety. It really can help a lot, even on a low dose.

Alongside or instead of medication there are only the things that you will have heard of already, like therapy, mindfulness and meditation, exercise etc, but nothing is an easy fix that will just make it stop unfortunately. It’s about finding ways to genuinely cope and there’s no harm in letting medication be a part of that, even if you only use it when you’re having panic attacks.

It's good that you've identified the source of your anxiety - have a read of this article to understand how and why it happened and, more importantly, what you can do about it.

Thank you both. That arrival is so useful especially the old rules new responses part. I always keep the peace, everyone else’s happiness comes before mine and I hate conflict and therefore just do whatever to please other people to avoid conflict.

There’s nobody in my life I can physically talk to. I don’t really have friends because mentally I just can’t give anything. I get along with people and at work I have some great colleagues but I hide everything and keep it all to myself.

A lot of the time I just want to burst into tears but I hold it back.

I always avoid ringing the doctors. When I last went they less than useful. They told me medication doesn’t treat anxiety it just masks it and I should have therapy. Well I’ve tried cbt and general therapy and after my ex I had trauma therapy which helped me see that things weren’t my fault etc but didn’t help the anxiety.

I try meditation but I seem to just lay there with thought whirling no matter how hard I try.

I’m just tired of feeling shit. I’m tired of noticing things on my body and jumping to omg it’s cancer and I’m going to die. I’m tired of being scared to buy anything just in case.

I’m just tired of it and I want to be normal

You have absolutely no idea how proud of yourself and what you've achieved you should be do you OP? Reading your post made me well up, you've overcome some massive stuff and built what sounds like a fantastic life for you and your girls, that's seriously impressive and more than a bit inspiring!

Usual/obvious advice is therapy if you can afford it and can manage it around work and DC, a chat with the GP about coping strategies and maybe some anxiety meds. In addition though, and I know it sounds a bit naff but I would write a nice big list of all your good qualities and the amazing things you've achieved and overcome and put it up somewhere prominent where you'll see it every day to remind yourself of how far you've come. It's hard with the sort of upbringing you describe to not feel like an imposter if you end up in a good place, it's also hard to believe in yourself and what you're capable of so having written proof might help!

This is kind of your last hurdle though, one last thing to overcome so you and your girls can finally relax and enjoy the life you've built so it's worth throwing everything at it to get it sorted. You deserve everything you now have, you just have to learn how to believe that

Can I ask why you didn't get any benefit from the CBT? It would seem ideal to help you make the link between wonky thoughts and the anxiety that arises from them. Another option is hypnotherapy which works on the same basis but deals direct with your subconscious beliefs.

I have studied both so happy to ask any questions if you'd like to PM me.

It sounds as though you might have complex ptsd (CPTSD) caused by childhood trauma. There's an amazing book by Pete Walker - www.amazon.co.uk/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD-ebook/dp/B00HJBMDXK?tag=mumsnetforu03-21 which I have found tremendously helpful in terms of coming to terms with what happened and giving strategies as to how to cope - it explains the merits and failings of all therapy types including talking therapy, CBT etc etc and recommends a combined approach. It sounds as though you could benefit from it! To me it was like a light switched on when I read it, as I always blamed myself for anxiety etc but it has helped me process the reasons and understand more where it came from and how to deal with it. Good luck OP!

@sarahlou63 I think I’ve pmd you. I’m thank you.

@loloballlolo thank you I’ll take a look.

@IcicleIcicle you’ve made me cry! Thank you. My logical brain says I’m an absolute legend but for some reason it seems broken and some days are so much worse than others and today is just one of those days.

Take sertraline. Has absolutely changed my life. My brain isn't endlessly whirring away and panicking. Would you judge someone for taking pain killers if they were in pain and couldn't overcome it?

How is your general lifestyle, OP? Do you exercise regularly? Eat well?

I've been there and on occasion still have awful anxiety. One of the things that helped me, and I'm not sure how to describe doing this, is to stop running from the anxiety. Stop, and look at it. Work out if your response is fight flight or freeze. And remember, anxiety can't hurt you. Your thoughts are not concrete and it won't last forever. Also second the trauma suggestion. I read a really good book called The Body Keeps Score. It's all about ptsd and how to become at peace.

You've done so amazing. I know you don't feel like you have. But we are all your personal cheerleaders. You're going to be ok.