Does this sound like depression to you?

[hyperworm]

I have never ever had any real mental health problems in the past and have always been the sort of person who is able to rationalise problems and perk myself up quickly /see things from different perspectives and always find a positive out of a negative .

Since covid began, my husband lost his work and managed to secure a really stable job in another company that is an hour and half away from our home. We are in the process of relocating to a half way mark between his job and our home town. We've bought a lovely house in a lovely little village and our daughter will be able to start at the preschool attached to the school round the corner to the new house . Sounds perfect and that we are going to be set for our family.

I have been so fickle for this entire year of deciding to relocate. One moment I want to go and then the next I don't . One moment I think all I need is my husband and our little girl and then the next I am crying that I'll miss my mum who is down the road to me at the moment, and our friends and all the conveniences of living where we do at the moment . My mum also made a huge deal of us leaving - she is fine with the idea now , but she said some nasty things which have stuck.

We will only be living 50mjns-1hour away from our friends and family. And maybe once we get settled in it won't seem so bad . My husband and I used to live away from our home town before pre having a child and I never felt this way then - that was the best time ever !!

I am in low spirits and at the same time I'm excited for the new house , but nervous with the upheaval around a toddler and work, and then excited for the fact my daughter will be living down the road to her new future school (she's only 3 at the moment ). But then I feel guilty that I won't be near my family . I am scared if we ever had a second child I wouldn't have local support from my mum and friends. I don't know who I am anymore and have lost my identity through being a mum. I work part time from home - it doesn't fulfil me - my boss is the lady who covered me on maternity leave as I chose to step down when I returned- I am bored in a job that is below what I was doing before . I hate having to work and can't put my focus to it - I want to have a job and earn my own wage - but I also want to be a Stay at home mum as childcare guilt is unbearable . I want a different job but then I know I wouldn't be as well cared for as I am in my current company who are overall great !

I am close to tears all the time and anytime anyone asks me how I am, I shed tears . I am crying now just thinking about crying !

I have never been like this before and I just don't know what to do. My husband is worried about me and wants to fix me - but there isn't one thjng that I can guarantee will make me happy . I question whether I'll be happier in the new house , whether if I got a new job I would be happy again or whether I would be happy again if I quit my job and became a stay at home mum until I found something I wanted to do. Would I be happy if we stayed living in the same place as now ?
I feel so numb and can't focus or concentrate on day to day activities it takes a lot of energy for me to clean the kitchen or do anything.

This winter I have had two colds and both have turned into sinusitis and tonsillitis - I have also had recurring thrush now for 10months and spent a small fortune on medicine from the pharmacy . This makes me so aware and anxious that my mental well-being is now affecting my physical health.

I don't know what I am asking for really and thank you if you have read this far xx

My mum also made a huge deal of us leaving - she is fine with the idea now , but she said some nasty things which have stuck.

There's the crux of your problem. Have a chat with your mum and undo the nasty things, then replace them with stronger positives such as I never felt this way then - that was the best time ever - get that feeling back!!

It doesn't sound like depression, it sounds like anxiety. Which would not be surprising given the huge changes in your life. Either way a trip to the GP for meds or counselling might help.

I don't think it even sounds like anxiety. It's all completely rational and reasonable. You are entering a very unstable and changeable time. And worse still your mum said very hurtful things, which has damaged your relationship ship. Talk to her about that.

Covid is a very unstable time. Why you decide to move for Dh's new job? Could covid make him work at home?

Op you have a lot of things on your plate atm:

• house move
• dh new jpb
• settling toddler in to new nursery
• a mum who is making you feel guilty and causing you distress
• feeling unhappy in your career
• uncertainty over job/future plans
• a global pandemic

No wonder you are overwhelmed! Please take a moment to breathe and try and tackle each of these things one small step at a time, and park the rest temporarily while you are doing so. In other words, try and compartmentalise when the anxiety gets too bad.

it sounds like you have done exactly the right thing moving for your own family. Your mum should NOT be making you feel guilty about that. She should he supporting what is best for you, your dh and her gc. So please shut out her voice in your head for now and 'park' that for later.

I imagine that once you establish yourself in your new home and in the village, and your toddler settles at pre-school, things will start to look a bit better, so take it a step at a time, and try and put other worries aside, apart from the one thing you are focusing on at the time..

The main problem here is you say "you have lost who you are through being a mum" so maybe, once you are established in your new location, you need to make a plan?

Perhaps decide of you want to try for a second child while you have good employers, or is it time to break away from a job that is making you feel unfulfilled and happy? Maybe you want to put the idea of a second child on hold for now, and focus on your career? Once you make some decisions, you should feel more in control and less anxious

Take it steady, a step at a time!

Good luck!

Doesn’t really sound like depression, it sounds like a normal reaction to upheaval in your life. You’ve had some big changes this year and of course you’re worried about moving. It sounds like your mum is not helping by saying nasty things. You’ll likely feel better once you’ve moved and settled in.

A good thing you have got going for the move is you’ll be able to meet new local friends via pre school and then school. Hopefully that will help you feel grounded there quickly.

Your mum isn't helping by being selfish.
Pull back a bit from her. The new preschool and village sound lovely. Give them a shot.
Things will fall into place.

Thank you so much for all your replies and kind words of encouragement, it really helps to hear how my thoughts are interpreted by anon folk out there !
I think since having a baby I have just longed so much to settle down and relax - the first year was so tough and I found it so hard as our daughter was so clingy to me and I couldn't do anything for myself. And then in the second year of her life , covid hit and just as we were beginning to get used to this parent thing , that all turned our world upside down again and all the stresses mentioned above just made it all very stressful. The move on top of that is just another emotional hurdle I have to get over before I can feel grounded and settled . I do hope in the long term it is the right decision for us and we can feel grounded and happy and I can reconnect with who I am as a person . I have completely lost my identity snd the move in predominantly for my husbands work - if we are closer to his office , when he is able to go im, it won't be a long commute and our daughter will be able to start preschool and school knowing that they are round the corner to the new house and she won't have a looming transition if we left the move till later down the line (I would hate to have her move schools if it can be avoided) plus if I do want to be a stay at home mum and we can afford to do so, I have to "follow" where the income is and the income at the moment is not where we are presently.
I don't know yet if my mental health can face another child , but I would like to hope one day in the future I'll have found myself again and I can start to consider it

It’s anxiety and not wanting to go.
You can see the pluses of going, but it’s not what you want deep down.

I’m now in a situation where I wish I hadn’t let my DH’s work dictate our life.
I lived near to a motorway for him, when I actually wanted to move home near to my mum.