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What exactly happens in a counselling session

15 replies

JohnSmithDrive · 27/12/2021 18:46

I've always been quite proud of my robust MH and resilience, but I suspect it actually turns out I've just never had much bad stuff happen!

DH died this year and to begin with I was "fine". It was sad, but he'd been ill a long time, we were expecting it etc etc. I kept busy and started to build a life without him.

Recently though the wheels have come off. The run up to and Christmas itself was unbearably hard and I've started leaning on DS1 (20yo) far too much. I'm having the same arguments with him that I once had with DH re lack of consideration for my feelings etc He's not a bad lad, he's just a young man starting to build a life of his own and not around as much as he used to be, which I recognise is a good thing when I'm coping, but is very hard to deal with when I'm not.

Anyway, it can't carry on so I've arranged some counselling. I can't imagine what will actually happen or what they can "do" to help?

OP posts:
EducatingArti · 27/12/2021 18:48

It is amazing how with a therapist that is a good fit for you, things shift and change in unexpected ways.

JohnSmithDrive · 27/12/2021 18:52

Yes, but what actually happens?

OP posts:
EducatingArti · 27/12/2021 18:57

It is hard to say exactly because it will vary from therapist to therapist depending on their approach and training etc. It should, at the very least be a safe and confidential space for you to be honest about and reflect on your feelings, attitudes, ways you relate to people etc. Whatever is the most important thing for you to focus on really.

ParkheadParadise · 27/12/2021 18:57

I had bereavement counselling after my dd died. I was numb and wouldn't talk about it.
Personally, I found counselling very hard and painful, to begin with. I found the silence unbearable.
Counselling probably saved me and my marriage.
It was good being able to say what I couldn't to DH and my family at the time.
I did benefit from it.

VerveClique · 27/12/2021 18:59

They ask you how you’re feeling and why. And during the process of taking about it, maybe over many many sessions, you begin to make decisions about how to move on.

I’m sure there’sa lot more to it. But that’s my experience.

It feels a bit artificial… two chairs facing each other, box of tissues in the table, usually a clock is visible. The setting is usually quiet and restful thought.

It’s a massive opportunity to sort out your thoughts and feelings (a bit like sorting out anything else really) and make decisions when you’re ready.

iklboodolphrednosedpaindear · 27/12/2021 18:59

Well, if you go to the one I had first, she will spend most of the session talking about herself and all her problems because, apparently, I'm easy to talk too.

A good fit therapist is worth their weight in gold though.

JohnSmithDrive · 27/12/2021 19:00

This is going to be via Zoom, which I'm not really comfortable with. I think a straightforward telephone conversation might be better?

OP posts:
EducatingArti · 27/12/2021 19:02

A good analogy can be like deciding to clear out "that" cupboard. You have the opportunity to unpack everything and at points it all looks like a total mess and you wonder why on earth you started but gradually you start to be able to decide what you want to keep and what you no longer need and can get rid of and where you will put the things back on shelves.

DukeofEarlGrey · 27/12/2021 19:04

Sorry for your loss OP Flowers

It will depend on the therapist and type of therapy, but also on you. A good therapist will discuss expectations and suitability upfront or in the first session with you and you should absolutely ask questions about it.

OP, you already sound very self-aware with your insights about your son and willingness to take responsibility for yourself. Well done for catching it and seeking help.

DukeofEarlGrey · 27/12/2021 19:05

@JohnSmithDrive

This is going to be via Zoom, which I'm not really comfortable with. I think a straightforward telephone conversation might be better?
Most therapists would be happy to do either. I think both can work well.
HeyMicky · 27/12/2021 19:08

OP, I'm very sorry for your loss. Don't feel the wheels have come off, grief is a process and you are doing brilliantly.

I also wanted to say that you are so brave and clear eyed to recognise that you can't lean on your son too hard and to seek support. Well done Thanks

Jenjenn · 27/12/2021 19:22

I am having therapy over zoom. They will ask you how you are and what brings you there. Just be honest with them and they will help you "sort" through your thoughts and feelings. I found some of my feelings were validated in theraphy for the very first time and it was liberating and empowering. I found first sessions difficult and exhausting. I would try to not have much on immediately after.

Jenjenn · 27/12/2021 19:37

Another thought, zoom can ve better than a call as they will be able to read your body language and your reactions to certain questions etc. I was very unsure but it my GP thought that I should try it before going down the route of antidepressants. He said that 6 sessions is the point when people tend to start seeing a change.

LostForIdeas · 27/12/2021 19:42

Zoom is better than a phone call. The counsellor can read your body language, see if you start crying etc…

Otherwise, it will be very different from one counsellor to the next but I’d expect that you will start by talking about what you are finding hard atm, how you are feeling etc….
It will be a safe, no judgemental place when you can cry/rage/say things you wouldn’t say to anyone else. (Or not. That’s up to you!!)

I’d look around before choosing someone. It took me time to find someone that worked for me (or was professional enough). So worth remembering that if it doesn’t work, the issue might well be the counsellor rather than counselling iyswim

Biffatcrafts · 27/12/2021 19:43

I'm a retired therapist, but as all therapists are individuals, each will have their own way of working with you.

However, (and I hope this helps) for me the first session was always begun by welcoming them, and then inviting the client to firstly ask me all and any questions they had, about therapy options, about me and my experience, and about any concerns they have about confidentiality and any potentially sensitive subjects we might discuss. I would always reassure them that there is no such thing as a silly question, and that they could ask me anything, big or small.

Then once they had asked anything they wanted, I would ask them about what had prompted them to seek therapy. If they are struggling to express this, I may ask them about smaller things first, like what it is that is that they want to get from therapy, for example feeling happier, feeling confident, feeling more at peace, feeling stronger.

Often a client will then talk about the most recent event which has occurred (in as much or as little detail as they feel comfortable with at that time), and in doing so they can also give me indications, hints and clues about whether there are other, historical events which are also involved and where the deeper root of the trauma or crisis may lie.

I do ask gentle questions during a first session, but the aim is not to go right to the painful parts right away because both I and the client need time to make a connection that lets the client feel safe and confident about speaking about their personal life and experiences. I always remember that I will often be the very first person who has ever been told this information, and that is a very sacred trust which I respect at all times. I will often make notes, as this then helps me plan the therapy in future sessions.

I do leave pauses for clients to think about what they want to say, or find the right words. Silence can be a good thing, as it means the client is working internally towards deciding how to express themselves. Please OP, don't think for a moment if you need a pause or silent time to think that it is bad ... it isn't. A good therapist will allow you as much time as you need to find the words you want.

The above process normally takes about 30 to 35 minutes. At the end of it I would, in a first session, perhaps need to ask a few more questions just to double check I have understood and noted all the important points my client wanted to convey. Then I would summarise the potential way forward for the client, such as what type of therapy I believe will help them and what it would involve. I would then ask if they had any other questions or doubts and listen to those and reply as needed.

Finally I would ask if they wanted to proceed with that therapy with me, and then we would agree a schedule going forwards.

That would normally take us to the 50 minute point, which was generally as long as my standard sessions would last.

OP, I have read that you might feel more comfortable with a telephone call rather than zoom. However I would encourage you, if you can, to do the session by zoom as therapists will also get a lot of information from your non verbal signals .. things like your breathing, eye movements, body and hand position etc and a telephone call will not allow them to do these observations. Please don't think you will be judged if you cannot manage a zoom call, but these silent communications can really help a therapist understand how and what you are feeling, so if you can do the zoom call, I would really encourage you to do that.

I hope this has helped, and I wish you every success in your therapy.

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