I feel dead inside

[willowtree1234567]

I don't even know where to start.

I'm so sad. I was emotionally and physically abused by my stepfather who moved in just after my dad died suddenly when I was a child. My mum didn't protect me and I feel like I've bottled it up for so many years but I feel angry and I don't know what to do about it.

I feel like nobody likes me unless I'm being a fake version of myself. I know how to make people laugh so they think I'm ok but inside I feel like I'm dead.

I have really bad anxiety. My daughter has covid and I feel like I've reverted back to the ocd I suffered as a child.

I hate Christmas anyway and I've fallen out with my family. They're such unkind people and one family member in particular has behaved really cruelly. I want to cut them off but I can't.

I just feel so isolated. I want to be on my own but I feel so lonely and worried all the time. It's exhausting but I can't sleep. I can't shake this feeling they something awful is about to happen.

i didn't start making progress till i took the right meds.It can take a few different ones to find one that works for you.But i have been exactly were you are now.

After meds i found it easier to tell myself that all that was in the past i shouldn't let it ruin my future.Yeah i don't have friends but i have my kids.I live to make their lives better than mine was.Over time it became fun making the home tacky festive.Coming up with stuff to make it fun.I still struggle christmas its hard as it brings up bad memories.But making the most of it helps.I even plan a cheapo camping trip in summer to focus on.Having stuff to look forward to also helps

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. It's hard to allow space for those feelings until you are ready to allow them to bubble fully up I have found, therapy has allowed me time and space to begin to process stuff that I haven't been able to look at before. Could you access any for yourself? Your feelings and thoughts relative to your past and the impact they are having on your present all sound very valid. Take care and be gentle with yourself. x

I echo finding the right medication to get back to some kind of even keel while you source therapy. Daily journaling can help sometimes, listening to podcasts on how anxiety can impact both physically and mentally make help to take the fear out of what you are experiencing currently.
Try and take each day at a time for now. I feel for you op, but know many of us have gone through something similar and things can get better.

Your problem is both complex and, sadly, not uncommon.

When we're young we rely on the adults around us to protect us. When they don't, we can only internalise the feelings of hurt, confusion and fear - because we have no one else to turn to and the immature* conclusion is that what happened must be your fault. In your case you used humour to defect from your true feelings but that can only go so far.

Please know that what happened to you is 100% NOT your fault. It's probably not your stepfather's or mother's fault either - they most likely experienced the same type of abuse or neglect as children and knew no better.

You can break the cycle, with counselling and the awareness that your past is not your future.

• By immature I mean a child doesn't have the rational/conscious or logical reasoning to figure out that what's happening to them is a result of circumstances rather than a result of their behaviour or personality.

Please get an emergency appointment with you GP OP. Meds aren’t the full solution, you will need to be referred for therapy, but they are an important start as they will allow you to get your head above water.

Ranjan chatterjees the 4 pillar plan is also a great intro to self care.

I am so sorry you are feeling like this, but it can get better.