I should be happy & I'm not.

[LauraP88]

That says it all really. I should be happy and content and instead I'm fundamentally unhappy.
I have a lovely house, 3 beautiful children and a loving husband and I'm constantly miserable.
I had a really rough 3rd pregnancy and I'm under Perimental midwives and on fluoxetine but I just feel so alone, so lost and so unhappy.
Christmas is usually my time of year, I'm always excited and happy about it but this year Christmas could really just F Off.
I feel so overwhelmed, so anxious, so fed up and like I'm sinking further and further into this dark hole but can't pull myself out of it.
DH is trying so hard to help and be supportive but my mood is placing a huge strain on our relationship, and causing problems between us.
DS(8) is going to be observed at school after the holidays for possible ADHD, DS(4 months) is suffering from extremely bad reflux along with a hernia which we've been referred for and DD(3) is just mummy's little shadow. I absolutely adore my children and my life but I can't shake this feeling of I'm not enough, I'm making them miserable because of how miserable I am. I'm not wanting to do anything or go anywhere, barely functioning with basic day to day stuff.
If I was brave enough I'd ask to be sent somewhere but I don't know where I'd go or how I'd do it plus I'd miss my babies.
I know I need help I just don't know what to do.

I'm sorry you're feeling so low. I am feeling similarly - there is much in my life to be glad of yet I'm severely depressed. Sending you a big hug ❤️

@Notgettingbetter it's a horrible feeling isn't it. I'm sorry you're feeling the same. How do you cope? Are you in therapy or on medication?

It has helped me to let go of the idea that I 'should' be happy. It has taken a lot of therapy to release it but I feel more realistic now. There is no 'should' when it comes to feelings. This is how you feel and this is what you are going through. Your distorted thinking is making you believe that your kids are missing out because of your low mood, but you are their world, whatever your mood they orbit around you and they love you regardless of how you are. They just love you. Give yourself time, tell Christmas to fuck off if you need to, just allow yourself permission to accept that life isn't perfect. Because it really isn't.

Mini pill?

Made me and all my friends batshit after birth

@LauraP88

I don't know if I could claim that I cope... I'm taking two antidepressants and until recently I was seeing a counsellor weekly. I stopped because I could tell it wasn't helping - not that she isn't good at her job - she is, but I really can't see how we could get any further and I'm basically throwing away money. That's not to say it wouldn't be helpful for you - I definitely recommend counselling/therapy. I have a mental health nurse I can contact if I'm in a crisis but I haven't so far. I haven't really clicked with him to be honest, but I also haven't been in an extreme crisis for a while. I think it would be wise to contact your midwife or GP, just to see if they can suggest anything you haven't thought of. I hope you're feeling a bit better by the time you read this ❤️

@coffeeisthebest Thank you for that. I've got a perinatal nurse that tells me this whenever I see her it's just so hard to let go of these feelings.
I'm totally aware that life isn't perfect but I'm constantly in either "threat" mode or "achieve" mode I can never just "be" and it's getting out of that funk I struggle with.

@Huy456 no I'm not on any form of contraception for this exact reason. I've got so much of a massive hormone imbalance it would be stupid trying to throw some synthetic ones in the mix too

Yes I hear you. That's why I have needed a lot of therapy sessions until I have come even close to knowing that if I wake up feeling shit that's ok (which is lucky because that's most days) because that is just how I feel. It isn't more earth shattering than that. But it has been sooo hard to accept that when I also thought that I had enough that I should be happy. Because it isn't necessarily the life that you are living now that is making you unhappy. It is generally some crap from your past. Well it was for me anyway. Also if you address yiur mental health and learn ways to live with yourself your children will benefit massively compared to a mother who lives in denial of being depressed and anxious. You are doing what you can and you are more than enough for your children. Go easy on yourself.

Oh gosh, this resonates with me. Especially where you said you’re either in ‘threat’ or ‘achieve’ mode. I had PND after DC2 and it came on insidiously at around 3 months pp and lasted until DD was 10 months. I had CBT but I genuinely feel like I lost myself in the demands of young children and exhaustion. DD is now 13 months and I feel happy again, I didn’t think I would.
Hang in there, you are enough and you are doing well. I hope things improve soon, you’re still in a whirlwind of exhaustion.
I only have 2, can’t imagine what life is like with 3. Keep going, I hope in a few months you’ll suddenly realise that you’re ok again and things improved without you noticing. That’s how it felt for me.

Ok, breastfeeding also made me crazy but I appreciate it's not the same for everyone. Basically for the first year treat yourself like a friend who has just been through a really traumatic time and is in poor health, go really easy on yourself x

Thank you so much for all your responses. It's so nice to know I'm not alone.

I basically spent all of my 3rd pregnancy hiding away in my room. Didn't want/couldn't deal with my other 2, felt like a failure of a mother because the pregnancy took a toll on me physically as well as mentally so wasn't there for them.
Now it's reached the stage where I feel I'm constantly trying to make up for being absent by constantly being present for them and putting myself last. Simple things like working out which I loved doing I don't anymore, can't remember the last time I made an effort with my appearance, add on top of that financial stress too and life just feels too much. Being a mum is so hard sometimes I just want to feel like "the old me" again

Just give it some time and buy in all the help you can. Nothing is really wrong except how hard you are being on yourself

So much of this sounds familiar, no matter how many times people tell you it is hard to stop these feelings.

Remember that old MN saying, comparison is the thief of joy? You're comparing yourself to a standard which I can assure you, very few mums live up to. If my best friend listed out everything you're dealing with, and then said she was a shit mum, I'd give her a massive hug and a head wobble. You need to be a best friend to yourself and absolutely TELL OFF that horrid little voice in your head telling you that you arent good enough.

You have a job you can't resign from, you're a mum of 3. The job description is massive, you're on duty 24 x7 and when you're sick, guess what you still have to go to work anyway. Or, if you're "lucky" someone will take pity and help out for a few hours by babysitting the kids so you can nap. As if magically that two hours of nap time is supposed to fix the YEARS of accumulated sleep deprivation!

Two things revolutionised my thinking with DS2. For some reason it finally sunk in that it doesnt matter if I'm the best mum ever or not. I'm the mum my kids have got, and if I've made mistakes well, I'm hardly the first mum to have got something wrong.

There are some truly awful mums out there, who abuse their children, and if you're falling into that bucket you need to seek help urgently. But I assume you're not. In which case I can assure you that you are doing fine.

Kids are incredibly adaptable. Your 3 yo and 8 yo really won't suffer lasting damage by you "hiding" from them during your pregnancy. Children live in the now.

Put the baby in a sling, and spend time with the kids looking at the world from their point of view. Life is a lot more fun and simple when you look at it like a child would. Us adults, we complicate things a lot.

Let the housework go for a while. Tell Christmas to F off! The kids will be happy with a stocking full of chocolate and a few games. I can assure you that a morning spent rolling around on the floor in PJs playing games, a stomp outside in wellies after lunch, and a family movie woth hot chocolate in the evening will be enough to make their Christmas perfect.

As for looking crap, not exercising and missing the old you... hmmm I can't solve that one. I am STILL a mess and my youngest is 3. I think I'm now a hopeless case. I so want to do better, but it is hard to find time. I also put myself last, and I know it isnt a healthy thing to do.

The best thing I've done is take up gardening - it is such a fantastic hobby, gets me outside working and the kids love to come out and play. Rubbish in winter, I miss being out in the daylight.

Have you heard of 'the happiness trap'? It's a fab book for if feeling like you should be happy and letting go of some of that pressure in practical ways.
You could go into private rehab if you could afford it for a few nights? You could talk to your perinatal midwives about what they feel might help and whether a mum and baby unit is an option for a bit if that's what feels helpful. It's possible that what is more accessible are things like IAPT (talking therapies) emotional support through places like Mind or help through things like Social prescribing.
Do you have homestart in your area? They can be an amazing bit of support if you can't buy in any help..and totally agree with the posters who've said if you can pay for some help do.

Is there anyone about who can help you get a little you time to exercise or take care of yourself?

Sitting down with some help to plan your week out can be helpful, if you Google BBC the fabulous four Apps scheduling there is a simple guide to planning in ways to include
Things that-
Give you a sense of Achievement
Give you Pleasure
Exercise which is under Physical
And things that are Social

It sounds like a ballache but looking after yourself on small ways is one of the things that is likely to help the weight start to lift the load a little.

5 minute rule can be a helpful one too..so if there is a task like doing your first work out that feels almost impossible to start..and it can be like climbing Everest when you're really low to get stiff done even stuff you really want to do..then you set yourself something like either a 5 minute timer on your phone or on Alexa..or to do the task just for as long as the next song is on the radio..or as long as a TV ad break...of you stop after the five minutes you have to praise yourself for giving it. A go..and sometimes you might find you've got the energy for one more song or another 5 minutes having got into it.

I know stuff Like that can sound utterly ridiculous when things are feeling so awful and overwhelming..but In my recovery the small behavioural tools are what helps me far beyond medications and other things I've tried.