Getting over domestic violence? Help?

[Inkdrinker]

Context: I am now 25 years old. This abuse started at age 14 up until I was 18. This was with my ex partner, not my current partner.

At 14, I was extremely vulnerable. My childhood wasn't the best and I was desperate to be loved. I met a 17 year old who I thought would love me. I thrived on having an older boyfriend as any teenage girl would. The relationship started well but it soon went downhill with little comments about my make up, my clothes, my friends etc. I fell pregnant with my eldest at 15, he was furious and I stuck my ground and had my daughter. The abuse escalated massively, I was beaten although never extremely bad, normally in places where people couldn't see. He would bit my breast leaving marks. He would hold a knife to my throat and tell me I will never see my daughter again. When my daughter was 3 weeks old, he raped me. This abuse went on for years and I confided in my childhood friend who documented all the images of bruises and marks he made. She was amazing then and is still my closest friend. I didn't tell my family, I was too ashamed. At 18, he strangled me until I lost consciousness and then I left. I knew he would kill me if I didn't.

The issue is, I've been with my current partner for 7 years. He is the most loving person ever and knows everything that ever happened. He supports me in every way he possibly can but I can't get rid of the anger I feel towards my abuser. It doesn't help, I have to see him every week as he sees his daughter. I have to put on a friendly face for my daughter when I would like nothing more than to leave him in the past where he belongs, but he is my eldest father and my daughter adores him, I wouldn't take that from her.

I just want to forget about everything he ever did. He still gets under my skin even now. I just wish I could forget it all.

Of course he gets under your skin - your brain and body haven't forgotten the abuse and your anger (rightly) serves as a reminder to keep you and your daughter safe. Was he prosecuted for the abuse?

@Sarahlou63

Of course he gets under your skin - your brain and body haven't forgotten the abuse and your anger (rightly) serves as a reminder to keep you and your daughter safe. Was he prosecuted for the abuse?

I understand that but my anger isn't serving anyone, certainly not myself. It's just causing massive issues and keeps me living in the past.

I didn't push for charges, I was young, unsupported and terrified. I naively thought I could just lock the memories away and move on with my life whilst making sure him and my daughter have a healthy relationship x

Has he changed, or has he acknowledged what he did was atrocious? Is it possible that he could do the same to someone else?

Therapy could help you but while he remains in your life and could possibly do the same to someone else, it will be very difficult to lock the memories away or draw a line under the trauma. Please believe I mean this gently but how can you reconcile your abuse with him having a relationship with your daughter?

On a practical note you could learn self defence and/or get a punch bag so that you can expend that pent up anger harmlessly.

I don't know if he's changed. He says so but because I don't spend time with him in a close facility I don't know, personally, I doubt it. No, no apology, no nothing. Kind of feels like I've had no closure from it.

I don't wish to fix my anger towards him by having him have a relationship with my daughter. I just wouldn't take away her dad which she loves to pieces over what he did to me. He has never harmed her and the visitation is watched but thankfully not by me.

Therapy is what I have asked for but I've been put on waiting list after waiting list. Punch bag doesn't sound like a bad idea though haha! Xx

I've been (and am) exactly where you are OP although I'm now less angry. The only thing that has made a difference for me has been counselling, at each point that I've felt the feelings relating to the DV were having an impact on my life in a big way. I had a load of counselling last year, nearly 8 years after the abusive relationship ended, because I'd been struggling suddenly with flashbacks. Im now in a better place although still struggling a bit.

I don't think it ever goes away. Abuse changes you irreversibly. I find it has more of an affect on me nearly a decade later than grief from losing close family members. Keep pushing for therapy. Have you gone via womens aid or other domestic violence organisations to access therapy? They tend to be a bit quicker than via the GP.

It will get better, or the anger may change to something else, but my advice would be to find ways to live with it, alongside it. Rather than clinging to a hope that it will go away. Once I'd accepted that it was easier to manage.

I still have my moments. I had a panic attack out of nowhere in the middle of a uni class last week which took me by surprise (we were discussing a rape scene in a text and I'm usually ok with that sort of thing these days).

Just remember that you are infinitely stronger than you think you are, and that you are on a journey of recovery. It takes as long as it takes.