Whilst this is my first post under this account, I was a member a long time ago and for a long while too. I closed that account for various reasons but I'm needing support so I've rejoined.
Not that I need to justify anything but I'm feeling like a first post like this may need a bit of explaining.
Anyway...
I’m feeling embarrassed about this but have a feeling it’s been going on a lot longer than I care to admit (I think as far back as 17 years) and I think I’m ready to admit I finally need help. I’ve managed to hide how I’m feeling really well (or maybe I haven’t as my husband asks “what’s wrong with you” a bit). It’s becoming harder to hide the way I’m feeling.
I’m a right mixture of emotions. I’m either feeling close to tears, numb and flat, angry or irritated.
Generally close to tears a lot and it wouldn’t take much to trigger it, for example last week all it took was a colleague asking how my weekend was and I cried. All that had happened at the weekend was an argument with my husband but it felt so big that it was eating away at me.
Other times I feel numb / flat. Like no enthusiasm or excitement to do anything. I don’t even do my hair or makeup anymore, or take pride in my appearance which I used to do. The things I used to like doing don’t matter anymore. I used to volunteer at a local toddler group which I loved but recently I haven’t been able to face it, I made an excuse about work commitments but the truth is I just can’t face it. I’m not wanting to socialise, I’ve lost lots of friends over the years as I haven’t got the headspace to maintain the friendship. Which has made me feel isolated and lonely.
Feeling this way means I also struggle with the enthusiasm for household tasks - house declines in my standards of clean and tidy, then it takes a huge effort and all day to do it which then wipes me out the next day. I cant settle to anything. Ie if I sit to watch tv / film / read a book I can’t just watch it, end up fiddling with phone for something to do.
I also get angered very easily and shout a lot. I feel like I’m damaging my children (and my husband) and all they will remember is this angry, shouting horrible mother and wife. Finding I’m getting easily irritated too, things like chewing noises, someone sniffing if they have a cold or even my husband snoring at night fills me with the rage.
I had a pretty significant event happen to me in my late teens, regarding one of my parents. It was a long drawn out process which resulted in court and was awful to live through. Though as soon as it was over I shut that all away and pretended it never happened. I barely ever mention it but when anyone mentions it I fly off the handle and either cry for ages or shout. Feel generally “off” for days after that.
I’ve recently started a new job (8 weeks ago). I thought that leaving my old job and starting my new one would help as it’s a fresh start but it hasn’t helped. I feel more overwhelmed than ever due to the responsibility, the early starts and late finishes don’t help and can’t change these really due to the caring responsibilities at home that comes with having a family. All I know is by Sunday evening I’m feeling awful and dreading going in. I feel like I’m crap at my job and I’m still having to ask advice all the time and I’m sure they are all sick of me.
I also feel my physical health is struggling too due to this.
Despite being shattered all the time I have awful trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. I often wake far too early and struggle to get back to sleep and on non work rates I need to sleep in the day, even if it’s only a quick nap.
I have a lot of headaches along with neck and back ache, feels like my heart is racing sometimes and have discomfort in my neck and chest when I’m feeling worked up. Also get throbbing in my varicose veins when this happens too.
My tummy feels upset a lot and quite often in the mornings I’ll have a runny tummy and nausea. The extent to how bad it is measures up against how bad I’m feeling and I’ve also caught every cold going recently.
I’ve got zero sex drive, periods have started to go a bit irregular though I don’t know if bad enough for concern (26 days to up to 44 days).
Eating is a real challenge. I either don’t feel hungry at all or I’m starving. I’m generally picking at food all the time, just quick and easy (and unhealthy) things. The effort to cook a meal is immense and I’m so happy my husband has to go this on my long work days as it means I don’t have to do it.
I just feel that I’m letting them all down by being a rubbish wife and mother. I almost feel as though the rest of the family would be happier if I lived someone else. I’m not suicidal or thinking of hurting myself, I just feel I’m dragging them down and they would be happier if I was somewhere else without these mood swings.
I feel very stupid and selfish for feeling this way. I have a good husband, 2 wonderful children which I’m so blessed to have, a good job and we live in a lovely home. It just feels so selfish and ungrateful to feel this way